The Jest Book Part 20

GARRICK was on a visit at Hagley, when news came that a company of players were going to perform at Birmingham. Lord Lyttelton said to Garrick, "They will hear you are in the neighborhood, and will ask you to write an address to the Birmingham audience."--"Suppose, then," said Garrick, without the least hesitation, "I begin thus:--

Ye sons of iron, copper, bra.s.s, and steel, Who have not heads to think, nor hearts to feel--"

"Oh!" cried his lords.h.i.+p, "if you begin thus, they will hiss the players off the stage and pull the house down."--"My lord," said Garrick, "what is the use of an address if it does not come home to the _business_ and _bosoms_ of the audience?"

CCCLIX.--A GOOD REASON.

A GENTLEMAN, talking with his gardener, expressed his admiration at the rapid growth of the trees. "Why, yes, sir," says the man; "please to consider that they have _nothing_ else to do."

CCCLX.--FOLLOWING A LEADER.

FRANKLIN, when amba.s.sador to France, being at a meeting of a literary society, and not well understanding the French when declaimed, determined to applaud when he saw a lady of his acquaintance express satisfaction. When they had ceased, a little child, who understood the French, said to him, "But, grandpapa, you always applauded the loudest when they were _praising you_!" Franklin laughed heartily and explained the matter.

CCCLXI.--IDOLATRY.

THE toilette of a woman is an altar erected by self-love to vanity.

CCCLXII.--TWICE RUINED.

"I NEVER was ruined but twice," said a wit; "once when I _lost_ a lawsuit, and once when I _gained_ one."

CCCLXIII.--Q.E.D.

A COUNTRY schoolmaster was met by a certain n.o.bleman, who asked his name and vocation. Having declared his name, he added, "And I am master of this parish."--"Master of this parish," observed the peer, "how can that be?"--"I am master of the children of the parish," said the man; "the children are masters of their mothers, the mothers are rulers of the fathers, and consequently _I am master_ of the whole parish."

CCCLXIV.--SHORT STORIES.

SIR WALTER SCOTT once stated that he kept a lowland laird waiting for him in the library at Abbotsford, and that when he came in he found the laird deep in a book which Sir Walter perceived to be Johnson's Dictionary. "Well, Mr. ----," said Sir Walter, "how do you like your book?"--"They're vera pretty stories, Sir Walter," replied the laird; "but they're unco' _short_."

CCCLXV.--ON A LADY WHO SQUINTED.

IF ancient poets Argus prize, Who boasted of a hundred eyes, Sure greater praise to her is due, Who looks a hundred ways with two.

CCCLXVI.--AN ORIGINAL ATTRACTION.

FOOTE one evening announced, for representation at the Haymarket Theatre, "The Fair Penitent," to be performed, for that night only, by a _black lady of great accomplishments_.

CCCLXVII.--DEMOCRATIC VISION.

HORNE TOOKE, being asked by George III. whether he played at cards, replied, "I cannot, your Majesty, tell a _king_ from a _knave_."

CCCLXVIII.--FISHY, RATHER.

LORD ELLENBOROUGH, on his return from Hone's trial, suddenly stopped his carriage at Charing Cross, and said, "It occurs to me that they sell the best herrings in London at that shop. Buy six."

CCCLXIX.--LIGHT BREAD.

A BAKER has invented a new kind of yeast. It makes bread so light that a _pound_ of it weighs only _twelve_ ounces.

CCCLXX.--SOMETHING LIKE AN INSULT.

THE late Judge C---- one day had occasion to examine a witness who stuttered very much in delivering his testimony. "I believe," said his lords.h.i.+p, "you are a very great rogue."--"Not so great a rogue as _you_ my lord,--t-t-t-take me to be."

CCCLXXI.--ON CHARLES KEAN, THE ACTOR.

AS Romeo, Kean, with awkward grace, On velvet rests, 'tis said; Ah! did he seek a softer place, He'd rest upon his head.

CCCLXXII.--POLITICAL CORRUPTION.

CURRAN, when opposed to Lord Clare, said that he reminded him of a chimney-sweep, who had raised himself by dark and dusky ways, and then called aloud to his neighbors to witness his _dirty_ elevation.

CCCLXXIII.--A QUAKERLY OBJECTION.

A QUAKER being asked his opinion of phrenology, replied indignantly, "Friend, there can be no good in a science that compels a man to _take off_ his hat!"

CCCLXXIV.--A GOOD-HEARTED FELLOW.

IN a valedictory address an editor wrote: "If we have offended any man in the short but brilliant course of our public career, let him send us a _new hat_, and we will then forget the past." A cool chap that!

CCCLXXV.--EPIGRAM ON THE DEATH OF FOOTE.

FOOTE, from his earthly stage, alas! is hurled, Death _took him off, who took off all_ the world.

CCCLXXVI.--THE ANGRY OCEAN.

"MOTHER, this book tells about the angry waves of the ocean. Now, what makes the ocean get angry?"--"Because it has been _crossed_ so often, my son."

CCCLXXVII.--BREVITY.

DR. ABERNETHY, the celebrated physician, was never more displeased than by hearing a patient detail a long account of troubles. A woman, knowing Abernethy's love of the laconic, having burned her hand, called at his house. Showing him her hand, she said, "A burn."--"A poultice," quietly answered the learned doctor. The next day she returned, and said, "Better."--"Continue the poultice," replied Dr. A. In a week she made her last call and her speech was lengthened to three words, "Well,--your fee?"--"Nothing," said the physician; "you are the most sensible woman I ever saw."