The Jest Book Part 22

"I'm very glad," to E--b--h said His brother exquisite, Maca.s.sar Draper, "That 'tis the outer product of your head, And not the _inner_, you _commit to paper_!"

CCCXCV.--THE POLITE SCHOLAR.

A SCHOLAR and a courtier meeting in the street, seemed to contest the wall. Says the courtier, "I do not use to give every _c.o.xcomb_ the wall." The scholar answered, "But _I do, sir_;" and so pa.s.sed by him.

CCCXCVI.--A COOL HAND.

AN old deaf beggar, whom Collins the painter was once engaged in sketching at Hendon, exhibited great self-possession. Finding, from certain indications, that the body and garments of this English Edie Ochiltree afforded a sort of pasture-ground to a herd of many animals of minute size, he hinted his fears to the old man that he might leave some of his small body-guard, behind him. "No fear, sir; no fear,"

replied this deaf and venerable vagrant, contemplating the artist with serious serenity; "I don't think they are any of them likely to leave _me_ for _you_."

CCCXCVII.--QUID PRO QUO.

A PHYSICIAN of an acrimonious disposition, and having a thorough hatred of lawyers, reproached a barrister with the use of phrases utterly unintelligible. "For example," said he, "I never could understand what you lawyers mean by docking an entail."--"That is very likely," answered the lawyer, "but I will explain it to you: it is doing what you doctors never consent to,--_suffering a recovery_."

CCCXCVIII.--RECRUITING SERJEANT AND COUNTRYMAN.

A RECRUITING serjeant addressing an honest country b.u.mpkin with,--"Come, my lad, thou'lt fight for thy King, won't thou?"--"Voight for my King,"

answered Hodge, "why, has he _fawn out_ wi' ony body?"

CCCXCIX.--AN ANECDOTE.

E--D--N was asked by one of note, Why merit he did not promote; "For this good reason," answered he, "'Cause _merit ne'er promoted me_."

CD.--DIDO.

OF this tragedy, the production of Joseph Reed, author of the "Register Office," Mr. Nicholls, in his "Literary Anecdotes," gives some curious particulars. He also relates an anecdote of Johnson concerning it: "It happened that I was in Bolt Court on the day that Henderson, the justly celebrated actor, was first introduced to Dr. Johnson: and the conversation turning on dramatic subjects, Henderson asked the Doctor's opinion of "Dido" and its author. "Sir," said Johnson, "I never did the man an injury, yet _he would read his tragedy to me_."

CDI.--EXTREME SIMPLICITY.

A COUNTRYMAN took his seat at a tavern-table opposite to a gentleman who was indulging in a bottle of wine. Supposing the wine to be common property, our unsophisticated country friend helped himself to it with the gentleman's gla.s.s. "That's cool!" exclaimed the owner of the wine, indignantly. "Yes," replied the other; "I should think there was _ice_ in it."

CDII.--NOT TO BE TRIFLED WITH.

DURING a recent representation of King Lear at one of our metropolitan theatres, an old gentleman from the country, who was visibly affected by the pathos of some of the scenes, electrified the house by roaring out, "Mr. Manager! Sir! Alter the play! I didn't pay my money to be made _wretched_ in this way. Give us something funny, or I'll _summons_ you, sir!"

CDIII.--AS YOU LIKE IT.

AN old sea captain used to say he didn't care how he dressed when abroad, "because _n.o.body_ knew him." And he didn't care how he dressed when at home, "because _everybody_ knew him."

CDIV.--AN UPRIGHT MAN.

ERSKINE was once retained for a Mr. Bolt, whose character was impugned by Mr. Mingay, the counsel on the other side. "Gentlemen," said Erskine, in reply, "the plaintiff's counsel has taken unwarrantable liberties with my client's good name, representing him as litigious and unjust. So far, however, from this being his character, he goes by the name of _Bolt upright_."

CDV.--THE DUKE OF WELLINGTON AND THE AURIST.

ON one occasion the Duke's deafness was alluded to by Lady A----, who asked if she was sitting on his right side, and if he had benefited by the operations which she heard had been performed, and had been so painful to him. He said, in reply, that the gentleman had been bold enough to ask him for a certificate, but that he had really been of no service to him, and that he could only answer him by saying, "I tell you what, I _won't say_ a word about it."

CDVI.--TRUTH NOT ALWAYS TO BE SPOKEN.

IF a man were to set out calling everything by its right name, he would be knocked down before he got to the corner of the street.

CDVII.--ADVERTIs.e.m.e.nT EXTRAORDINARY.

(To those in want of employment.)

Whoe'er will at the "Gloucester's Head" apply, Is always sure to find a _vacancy_.

CDVIII.--A "DOUBLE TIMES."

A HUGE, double-sheeted copy of the _Times_ newspaper was put into the hands of a member of the Union Club by one of the waiters. "Oh, what a bore all this is," said the member, surveying the gigantic journal.

"Ah," answered another member, who overheard him, "it is all very well for you who are occupied all day with business bore; but to a man living in the country,--it is equal to a _day's fis.h.i.+ng_."

CDIX.--PARTNERs.h.i.+P DISSOLVED.

DR. PARR had a high opinion of his own skill at whist, and could not even patiently tolerate the want of it in his partner. Being engaged with a party in which he was unequally matched, he was asked by a lady how the fortune of the game turned, when he replied, "Pretty well, madam, considering that I have _three_ adversaries."

CDX.--EPIGRAM.

(On the depth of Lord ---- arguments.)

YES, in debate we must admit, His argument is quite profound; His reasoning's _deep_, for _deuce a bit_ Can anybody _see the ground_.

CDXI.--A SEASONABLE JOKE.

THEODORE HOOK, being in company, where he said something humorous in rhyme to every person present, on Mr. Winter, the late Solicitor of Taxes, being announced, made the following impromptu:--

Here comes Mr. Winter, collector of taxes, I advise you to give him whatever he axes; I advise you to give it without any flummery, For though his name's _Winter_, his actions are _summary_.

CDXII.--EPIGRAM.

(On the immortality of ----'s speeches.)