The Jest Book Part 33

HOOK was once observed, during dinner, nodding like a Chinese mandarin in a tea-shop. On being asked the reason, he replied, "Why when no one else asks me to take champagne, I take sherry with the epergne, and bow to the flowers."

DLx.x.xVII.--ON NAPOLEON'S STATUE AT BOULOGNE TURNED, BY DESIGN OR ACCIDENT, WITH ITS BACK TO ENGLAND.

UPON its lofty column's stand Napoleon takes his place: His back still turned upon that land That never saw his face.

DLx.x.xVIII.--OLD TIMES.

A GENTLEMAN in company with Foote, took up a newspaper, saying, "He wanted to see what the ministry were about." Foote, with a smile, replied, "Look among _the robberies_."

DLx.x.xIX.--AN ARCADIAN.

A LAZY fellow lying down on the gra.s.s said, "O, how I do wish that this was called _work_, and well paid!"

DXC.--JOHNSON AND MRS. SIDDONS.

IN spite of the ill-founded contempt Dr. Johnson professed to entertain for actors, he persuaded himself to treat Mrs. Siddons with great politeness, and said, when she called on him at Bolt Court, and Frank, his servant, could not immediately provide her with a chair, "You see, madam, wherever _you_ go there are _no seats_ to be got."

DXCI.--ROWING IN THE SAME BOAT.

"WE row in the same boat, you know," said a literary friend to Jerrold.

This literary friend was a comic writer, and a comic writer only.

Jerrold replied, "True, my good fellow, we _do_ row in the same boat, but with very different skulls."

DXCII.--A GENUINE IRISH BULL.

SIR BOYLE ROCHE said, "Single misfortunes never come alone, and the greatest of all possible misfortunes is generally followed by a much greater."

DXCIII.--THE RULING Pa.s.sION.

IN the last illness of George Colman, the doctor being late in an appointment, apologized to his patient, saying that he had been called in to see a man who had fallen down a well. "Did he kick the bucket, doctor?" groaned out poor George.

DXCIV.--EPIGRAM.

(On ----'s late neglect of his judicial duties.)

LORD ----'S left his circuit for a day, Which is to me a mystery profound; He leaves the _circuit_! he, of whom they say, That he delights in constant _turning round_.

DXCV.--SHAKESPEARE ILl.u.s.tRATED.

DIGNUM and Moses Kean the mimic were both tailors. Charles Bannister met them under the Piazza in Covent Garden, arm-in-arm. "I never see those men together," said he, "but they put me in mind of Shakespeare's comedy, _Measure for Measure_!"

DXCVI.--DEGENERACY.

THERE had been a carousing party at Colonel Grant's, the late Lord Seafield, and two Highlanders were in attendance to carry the guests up stairs, it being understood that none could by any other means arrive at their sleeping apartments. One or two of the guests, however, were walking up stairs and declined the proffered a.s.sistance. The attendants were utterly astonished, and indignantly exclaimed, "Aigh, it's sare cheenged times at Castle Grant, when gentlemens can gang to bed on their _ain feet_."

DXCVII.--WORTHY OF CREDIT.

A GENTLEMAN was applied to by a crossing-sweeper for charity. The gentleman replied, "I will remember you when I return."--"Please your honor," says the man, "I'm ruined by the _credit_ I give in that way."

DXCVIII.--PAYING IN KIND.

A FARMER, having lost some ducks, was asked by the counsel for the prisoner accused of stealing them to describe their peculiarity. After he had done so, the counsel remarked, "They can't be such a rare breed, as I have some like them in my yard."--"That's very likely," said the farmer; "these are not the _only ducks_ of the same sort I've had stolen lately."

DXCIX.--VERY SERIOUS.

A REGULAR physician being sent for by a quack, expressed his surprise at being called in on an occasion apparently trifling. "Not so trifling, neither," replied the quack; "for, to tell you the truth, I have, by mistake, taken some of my OWN PILLS."

DC.--THE LATE LORD AUDLEY.

MR. PHILIP THICKNESSE, father of the late Lord Audley, being in want of money, applied to his son for a.s.sistance. This being denied, he immediately hired a cobbler's stall, directly opposite his lords.h.i.+p's house, and put up a board, on which was inscribed, in large letters, "Boots and shoes mended in the best and cheapest manner, by Philip Thicknesse, _father_ of Lord Audley." His lords.h.i.+p took the hint, and the board was removed.

DCI.--DELICATE HINT.

QUEEN CAROLINE, when Princess of Wales, in one of her shrewd letters, says, "_My better half_, or my worse, which you choose, has been ill, I hear, but nothing to make me hope or fear."

DCII.--A SCOTCH MEDIUM.

AFTER giving Sandy certain directions about kirk matters, the minister sniffed once or twice, and remarked, "Saunders, I fear you have been 'tasting' (taking a gla.s.s) this morning."--"'Deed, sir," replied Sandy, with the coolest effrontery, set off with a droll glance of his brown eyes; "'Deed, sir, I was just ga'in' to observe I thocht there was a smell o' speerits _amang us_ this mornin'!"

DCIII.--EPIGRAM.

A WATCH lost in a tavern! That's a crime; Then see how men by drinking lose their time.

The watch kept time; and if time will away, I see no reason why the watch should stay.

You say the key hung out, and you failed to lock it; Time will not be kept pris'ner in a pocket.

Henceforth, if you will keep your watch, this do, Pocket your watch, and watch your pocket, too.

DCIV.--PERFECT DISCONTENT.

AN old lady was in the habit of talking to Jerrold in a gloomy depressing manner, presenting to him only the sad side of life. "Hang it!" said Jerrold, one day, after a long and sombre interview, "she wouldn't allow there was a bright side to the moon."