The Jest Book Part 43

(On the King's double dealing.)

OF such a paradox as this, Before I never dreamt; The King of England has become, A _subject_ of contempt!!!

DCCLIX.--PAINTING.

A GENTLEMAN seeing a fine painting representing a man playing on the lute, paid this high compliment to the artist. "When I look on that painting I think myself _deaf_."

DCCLX.--NIL NISI, ETC.

A GENTLEMAN calling for beer at another gentleman's table, finding it very bad, declined drinking it. "What!" said the master of the house, "don't you like the beer?"--"It is not to be found fault with," answered the other; "for one should never speak ill of the _dead_."

DCCLXI.--ODD FORESIGHT.

LADY MARGARET HERBERT asked somebody for a _pretty_ pattern for a nightcap. "Well," said the person, "what signifies the pattern of a nightcap?"--"O! child," said she, "you know, in _case of fire_!"

DCCLXII.--"THEREBY HANGS," ETC.

A CERTAIN Irish judge, called the Hanging Judge, and who had never been known to shed a tear except when _Macheath_, in the "Beggar's Opera,"

got his reprieve, once said to Curran, "Pray, Mr. Curran, is that hung beef beside you? If it is, I will try it."--"If you try it, my lord,"

replied Curran, "it's sure _to be hung_."

DCCLXIII.--GENERAL WOLFE.

GENERAL WOLFE invited a Scotch officer to dine with him; the same day he was also invited by some brother officers. "You must excuse me," said he to them; "I am already engaged to Wolfe." A smart young ensign observed, he might as well have expressed himself with more respect, and said _General_ Wolfe. "Sir," said the Scotch officer, with great prompt.i.tude, "we never say _General_ Alexander, or _General_ Caesar." Wolfe, who was within hearing, by a low bow to the Scotch officer, acknowledged the pleasure he felt at the high compliment.

DCCLXIV.--A QUESTION FOR THE PEERAGE.

AS the late Trades Unions, by way of a show, Over Westminster-bridge strutted five in a row, "I feel for the bridge," whispered d.i.c.k, with a s.h.i.+ver; "Thus tried by the mob, it may sink in the river."

Quoth Tom, a crown lawyer: "Abandon your fears: As a bridge it can only be tried by _its piers_."

DCCLXV.--A NOISE FOR NOTHING.

WHEN Thomas Sheridan was in a nervous, debilitated state, and dining with his father at Peter Moore's, the servant, in pa.s.sing by the fire-place knocked down the plate-warmer, and made such a clatter as caused the invalid to start and tremble. Moore, provoked by the accident, rebuked the man, and added, "I suppose you have broken all the plates?"--"No, sir," said the servant, "not one!"--"Not one!" exclaimed Sheridan, "then, hang it, sir, you have made all that noise _for nothing_!"

DCCLXVI.--SHORT MEASURE.

SOME one wrote in a hotel visitors' book his initials, "A.S." A wag wrote underneath, "_Two-thirds_ of the truth."

DCCLXVII.--DECANTING EXTRAORDINARY.

THEODORE HOOK once said to a man at whose table a publisher got very drunk, "Why, you appear to have emptied your _wine-cellar_ into your _book-seller_."

DCCLXVIII.--A DILEMMA.

WHILST a country parson was preaching, the chief of his paris.h.i.+oners sitting near the pulpit was fast asleep: whereupon he said, "Now, beloved friends, I am in a great strait; for if I speak too softly, those at the farther end of the church cannot hear me; and if I talk too loud, I shall _wake_ the chief man in the parish."

DCCLXIX.--HOW TO MAKE A MAN OF CONSEQUENCE.

A BROW austere, a circ.u.mspective eye, A frequent shrug of the _os humeri_, A nod significant, a stately gait, A bl.u.s.tering manner, and a tone of weight, A smile sarcastic, an expressive stare,-- Adopt all these, as time and place will bear: Then rest a.s.sured that those of little sense Will deem you, sure, _a man of consequence_.

DCCLXX.--A CHEAP WATCH.

A SAILOR went to a watchmaker, and presenting a small French watch to him, demanded to know how much the repair of it would come to. The watchmaker, after examining it, said, "It will be more expense repairing than its original cost."--"I don't mind that," said the tar; "I will even give you double the original cost, for I gave a fellow a blow on the head for it, and if you repair it, I will give you _two_."

DCCLXXI.--SCOTCH WUT.

A LAIRD riding past a high, steep bank, stopped opposite a hole in it, and said, "John, I saw a brock gang in there."--"Did ye," said John; "wull ye haud my horse, sir?"--"Certainly," said the laird, and away rushed John for a spade. After digging for half an hour, he came back, nigh speechless, to the laird, who had regarded him musingly. "I canna find him, sir," said John. "Deed," said the laird very coolly, "I wad ha' wondered if ye had, for it's _ten years_ sin' I saw him gang in there."

DCCLXXII.--ATTENDING TO A WISH.

"I WISH you would pay a little attention, sir!" exclaimed a stage manager to a careless actor. "Well, sir, so I am paying _as little_ as I can!" was the calm reply.

DCCLXXIII.--A MECHANICAL SURGEON.

A VALIANT sailor, that had lost his leg formerly in the wars, was nevertheless, for his great prudence and courage, made captain of a s.h.i.+p; and being in the midst of an engagement, a cannon bullet took off his wooden supporter, so that he fell down. The seamen immediately called out for a surgeon. "Confound you all," said he, "no surgeon, no surgeon,--_a carpenter! a carpenter_!"

DCCLXXIV.--CANINE POETRY.

A PRETTY little dog had written on its collar the following distich:--

"This collar don't belong to you, sir, Pa.s.s on--or you may have one too, sir."

The same person might have been the proprietor of another dog, upon whose collar was inscribed:--

"I am Tom Draper's dog. Whose dog are you?"

DCCLXXV.--FOOTIANA.

FOOTE praising the hospitality of the Irish, after one of his trips to the sister kingdom, a gentleman asked him whether he had ever been at _Cork_. "No, sir," replied Foote; "but I have seen many _drawings_ of it."