The Jest Book Part 48

DCCCXLIX.--"ESSAY ON MAN."

AT ten, a child; at twenty, wild; At thirty, tame, if ever; At forty, wise; at fifty, rich; At sixty, good, or never!

DCCCL.--IN-DOOR RELIEF.

A MELTING sermon being preached in a country church, all fell a-weeping but one man, who being asked why he did not weep with the rest, said, "O no, I belong to _another_ parish."

DCCCLI.--HIGHLAND POLITENESS.

SIR WALTER SCOTT had marked in his diary a territorial greeting of two proprietors which had amused him much. The laird of Kilspindie had met the laird of Tannachy-Tulloch, and the following compliments pa.s.sed between them: "Ye're maist obedient hummil servant, Tannachy-Tulloch."

To which the reply was, "Your nain man, Kilspindie."

DCCCLII.--AN ODD QUESTION.

COUNSELOR RUDD, of the Irish bar, was equally remarkable for his love of whist, and the dingy color of his linen. "My dear d.i.c.k," said Curran to him one day, "you can't think how puzzled we are to know where _you buy_ all your _dirty_ s.h.i.+rts."

DCCCLIII.--NOT INSURED AGAINST FIRE.

FOOTE went to spend his Christmas with Mr. B----, when, the weather being very cold, and but bad fires, occasioned by a scarcity of wood in the house, Foote, on the third day after he went there, ordered his chaise, and was preparing to depart. Mr. B---- pressed him to stay. "No, no," says Foote; "was I to stay any longer, you would not let me _have a leg to stand on_; for there is so _little wood_ in your house, that I am afraid one of your servants may light the fire with _my right leg_,"

which was his wooden one.

DCCCLIV.--NATURAL GRIEF.

ONE hiring a lodging said to the landlady, "I a.s.sure you, madam, I am so much liked that I never left a lodging but my landlady shed tears."--"Perhaps," said she, "you always went away without _paying_."

DCCCLV.--A PROVERB REVERSED.

EXAMPLE is better than precept they say, With our parson the maxim should run t'other way; For so badly he acts, and so wisely he teaches, We should shun what he does, and should do what he preaches.

DCCCLVI.--A CLOSE ESCAPE.

ONE of James Smith's favorite anecdotes related to Colonel Greville. The Colonel requested young James to call at his lodgings, and in the course of their first interview related the particulars of the most curious circ.u.mstance in his life. He was taken prisoner during the American war, along with three other officers of the same rank: one evening they were summoned into the presence of Was.h.i.+ngton, who announced to them that the conduct of their Government, in condemning one of his officers to death, as a rebel, compelled him to make reprisals; and that, much to his regret, he was under the necessity of requiring them to cast lots, without delay, to decide which of them should be hanged. They were then bowed out, and returned to their quarters. Four slips of paper were put into a hat, and the shortest was drawn by Captain Asgill, who exclaimed, "I knew how it would be; I never won so much as a hit at backgammon in my life." As Greville was selected to sit up with Captain Asgill, "And what," inquired Smith, "did you say to comfort him?"--"Why, I remember saying to him, when they left us, '_D---- it, old fellow, never mind_!'"

But it may be doubted (added Smith) whether he drew much comfort from the exhortation. Lady Asgill persuaded the French Minister to interpose, and the Captain was permitted to escape.

DCCCLVII.--A HARD HIT.

MAJOR B----, a great gambler, said to Foote, "Since I last saw you, I have _lost_ an eye."--"I am sorry for it," said Foote, "pray _at what game_?"

DCCCLVIII.--THE TIME OUT OF JOINT.

SOME one who had been down in Lord Kenyon's kitchen, remarked that he saw the spit s.h.i.+ning as bright as if it had never been used. "Why do you mention his spit?" said Jekyll; "you must know that nothing _turns upon that_." In reference to the same n.o.ble lord, Jekyll observed, "It was Lent all the year round in the kitchen, and _Pa.s.sion_ week in the parlor."

DCCCLIX.--MONEY'S WORTH.

A SOLDIER, having retired from service, thought to raise a few pounds by writing his adventures. Having completed the ma.n.u.script, he offered it to a bookseller for forty pounds. It was a very small volume, and the bookseller was much surprised at his demand. "My good sir," replied the author, "as a soldier I have always resolved to _sell my life as dearly as possible_."

DCCCLX.--HIS WAY--OUT.

SIR RICHARD JEBB, the famous physician, who was very rough and harsh in his manner, once observed to a patient to whom he had been extremely rude, "Sir, _it is my way_."--"Then," returned his indignant patient, pointing to the door, "I beg you will _make that your way_!"

DCCCLXI.--A GROWL.

HE that's married once may be Pardoned his infirmity.

He that marries twice is mad: But, if you can find a fool Marrying thrice, don't spare the lad,-- Flog him, flog him back to school.

DCCCLXII.--A MODERN SCULPTOR.

BROWN and Smith were met by an overdressed individual, "Do you know that chap, Smith?" said Brown. "Yes, I know him; that is, I know of him,--he's a sculptor."--"Such a fellow as that a _sculptor_! surely you must be mistaken."--"He may not be the kind of one you mean, but I know that he _chiselled_ a tailor--out of a suit of clothes last week."

DCCCLXIII.--A DIFFICULT TASK.

"YOU have only yourself to please," said a married friend to an old bachelor. "True," replied he, "but you cannot tell what a _difficult_ task I find it."

DCCCLXIV.--THE GOUTY SHOE.

JAMES SMITH used to tell, with great glee, a story showing the general conviction of his dislike to ruralities. He was sitting in the library at a country-house, when a gentleman proposed a quiet stroll in the pleasure-grounds:--

"Stroll! why, don't you see my gouty shoe?"

"Yes, I see that plain enough, and I wish I'd brought one too; but they are all out now."

"Well, and what then?"

"What then? why, my dear fellow, you don't mean to say that you have really got the gout? I thought you had only put on that shoe to get off being shown over the improvements."

DCCCLXV.--A LUSUS NATURae.

AN agricultural society offered premiums to farmers' daughters, "girls under twenty-one years of age," who should exhibit the best lots of b.u.t.ter, not less than 10 lbs. "That is all right," said an old maid, "save the insinuation that some girls are _over_ twenty-one years of age."

DCCCLXVI.--A CASE OF NECESSITY.