The Jest Book Part 60

MLXI.--IN WANT OF A HUSBAND.

A YOUNG lady was told by a married lady, that she had better precipitate herself from off the rocks of the Pa.s.saic falls into the basin beneath than _marry_. The young lady replied, "I would, if I thought I should find a _husband_ at the bottom."

MLXII.--THREE ENDS TO A ROPE.

A LAD applied to the captain of a vessel for a berth; the captain, wis.h.i.+ng to intimidate him, handed him a piece of rope, and said, "If you want to make a good sailor, you must make three ends to the rope."--"I can do it," he readily replied; "here is one, and here is another,--that makes two. Now, here's the _third_," and he threw it overboard.

MLXIII.--THE REASON WHY.

FOOTE was once asked, why learned men are to be found in rich men's houses, and rich men never to be seen in those of the learned. "Why,"

said he, "the _first_ know what they want, but the _latter_ do not."

MLXIV.--PERSONALITIES OF GARRICK AND QUIN.

WHEN Quin and Garrick performed at the same theatre, and in the same play, one night, being very stormy, each ordered a chair. To the mortification of Quin, Garrick's chair came up first. "Let me get into the chair," cried the surly veteran, "let me get into the chair, and put little Davy into the lantern."--"By all means," rejoined Garrick, "I shall ever be happy _to enlighten_ Mr. Quin in anything."

MLXV.--BARK AND BITE.

LORD CLARE, who was much opposed to Curran, one day brought a Newfoundland dog upon the bench, and during Curran's speech turned himself aside and caressed the animal. Curran stopped. "Go on, go on, Mr. Curran," said Lord Clare. "O, I beg a thousand pardons," was the rejoinder; "I really thought your lords.h.i.+p was employed in _consultation_."

MLXVI.--A PRESSING REASON.

A TAILOR sent his bill to a lawyer for money; the lawyer bid the boy tell his master that he was not running away, but very busy at that time. The boy comes again, and tells him he must have the money. "Did you tell your master," said the lawyer, "that I was not running away?"--"Yes, sir," answered the boy; "but he bade me tell you that _he was_."

MLXVII.--SMALL WIT.

SIR GEORGE BEAUMONT once met Quin at a small dinner-party. There was a delicious pudding, which the master of the house, pus.h.i.+ng the dish towards Quin, begged him to taste. A gentleman had just before helped himself to an immense piece of it. "Pray," said Quin, looking first at the gentleman's plate and then at the dish, "_which_ is the pudding?"

MLXVIII.--EPIGRAM ON A STUDENT BEING PUT OUT OF COMMONS FOR MISSING CHAPEL.

TO fast and pray we are by Scripture taught: Oh could I do but either as I ought!

In both, alas! I err; my frailty such,-- I pray too little, and I fast too much.

MLXIX.--MAKING PROGRESS.

A STUDENT, being asked what progress he had made in the study of medicine, modestly replied: "I hope I shall soon be fully qualified as physician, for I think I am now able to _cure a child_."

MLXX.--THE WOOLSACK.

COLMAN and Banister dining one day with Lord Erskine, the ex-Chancellor, amongst other things, observed that he had then about three thousand head of sheep. "I perceive," interrupted Colman, "your lords.h.i.+p has still an eye to the woolsack."

MLXXI.--SIR THOMAS COULSON.

SIR THOMAS COULSON being present with a friend at the burning of Drury Lane Theatre, and observing several engines hastening to the spot where the fire had been extinguished, remarked that they were "_ingens_ cui lumen adeptum."

MLXXII.--THROW PHYSIC TO THE DOGS!

WHEN the celebrated Beau Nash was ill, Dr. Cheyne wrote a prescription for him. The next day the doctor, coming to see his patient, inquired if he had followed his prescription: "No, truly, doctor," said Nash; "if I had I should have broken my neck for I _threw it_ out of a two-pair-of-stairs window."

MLXXIII.--MOTHERLY REMARK.

SIR DAVID BAIRD, with great gallantry and humanity, had a queer temper.

When news came to England that he was one of those poor prisoners in India who were tied back to back to fetter them, his mother exclaimed, "Heaven pity the man _that's tied_ to my Davy!"

MLXXIV.--TOO GOOD.

A PHYSICIAN, much attached to his profession, during his attendance on a man of letters, observing that the patient was very punctual in taking all his medicines, exclaimed in the pride of his heart: "Ah! my dear sir, you _deserve_ to be ill."

MLXXV.--A BALANCE.

"PAY me that six-and-eightpence you owe me, Mr. Malrooney," said a village attorney. "For what?"--"For the opinion you had of me."--"Faith, I _never_ had any _opinion_ of you in all my life."

MLXXVI.--MONEY'S WORTH.

WHILST inspecting a farm in a pauperized district, an enterprising agriculturist could not help noticing the slow, drawling motions of one of the laborers there, and said, "My man, you do not sweat at that work."--"Why, no, master," was the reply, "_seven s.h.i.+llings_ a week isn't _sweating_ wages."

MLXXVII.--ON MR. GULLY BEING RETURNED M.P. FOR PONTEFRACT.

STRANGE is it, proud Pontefract's borough should sully Its fame by returning to parliament Gully.

The etymological cause, I suppose, is His breaking the bridges of so many noses.

MLXXVIII.--WRITING FOR THE STAGE.

PEOPLE would be astonished if they were aware of the cart-loads of trash which are annually offered to the director of a London theatre. The very first ma.n.u.script (says George Colman) which was proposed to me for representation, on my undertaking theatrical management, was from a nautical gentleman, on a nautical subject; the piece was of a tragic description, and in five acts; during the princ.i.p.al scenes of which the hero of the drama declaimed from the _main-mast_ of a man-of-war, without once descending from his position!

A tragedy was offered to Mr. Macready, or Mr. Webster, in _thirty_ acts.

The subject was the history of Poland, and the author proposed to have five acts played a night, so that the whole could be gone through in a week.

MLXXIX.--A COMPARISON.