The Jest Book Part 62

A SCOTCH country minister had been invited, with his wife, to dine and spend the night at the house of one of his lairds. Their host was very proud of one of the very large beds which had just come into fas.h.i.+on, and in the morning asked the lady how she had slept in it. "O very well, sir; but, indeed, I thought _I'd lost_ the minister a' thegither."

MXCVIII.--ENVY.

A DRUNKEN man was found in the suburbs of Dublin, lying on his face, by the roadside, apparently in a state of physical unconsciousness. "He is dead," said a countryman of his, who was looking at him. "Dead!" replied another, who had turned him with his face uppermost; "by the powers, _I wish I had just half his disease_!"--in other words, a moiety of the whiskey he had drunk.

MXCIX.--A SLIGHT DIFFERENCE.

"I KEEP an excellent table," said a lady, disputing with one of her boarders. "That may be true, ma'am," says he, "but you put very little _upon it_."

MC.--MORE HONORED IN THE BREACH.

A LAIRD OF LOGAN sold a horse to an Englishman, saying, "You buy him as you see him; but he's an _honest_ beast." The purchaser took him home.

In a few days he stumbled and fell, to the damage of his own knees and his rider's head. On this the angry purchaser remonstrated with the laird, whose reply was, "Well, sir, I told you he was an honest beast; many a time has he _threatened_ to come down with me, and I kenned he would _keep his word_ some day."

MCI.--"YOU'LL GET THERE BEFORE I CAN TELL YOU."

MR. NEVILLE, formerly a fellow of Jesus College, was distinguished, by many innocent singularities, uncommon shyness, and stammering of speech, but when he used _bad_ words he could talk fluently. In one of his solitary rambles a countryman met him and inquired the road.

"Tu--u--rn," says Neville, "to--to--to--" and so on for a minute or two; at last he burst out, "_Confound it, man! you'll get there before I can tell you_!"

MCII.--ON MR. MILTON, THE LIVERY STABLE-KEEPER.

TWO Miltons, in separate ages were born, The cleverer Milton 'tis clear we have got; Though the other had talents the world to adorn, _This_ lives by his _mews_, which the other could not!

MCIII.--A LONG RESIDENCE.

THE following complacent Scottish remark upon Bannockburn was made to a splenetic Englishman, who had said to a Scottish countryman that no man of taste would think of remaining any time in such a country as Scotland. To which the canny Scot replied, "Tastes differ; I'se tak' ye to a place no far frae Stirling, whaur thretty thousand o' yer countrymen ha' been for five hunder years, an' they've nae thocht _o'

leavin' yet_."

MCIV.--SPARE THE ROD.

A SCHOOLBOY being asked by the teacher how he should flog him, replied, "If you please, sir, I should like to have it upon the _Italian system_--the heavy strokes up-wards, and the down ones light."

MCV.--POLITICAL SINECURE.

CURRAN, after a debate which gave rise to high words, put his hand to his heart, and declared that he was the trusty _guardian_ of his own honor. Upon which Sir Boyle Roche congratulated his honorable friend on the snug little _sinecure_ he had discovered for himself.

MCVI.--EPIGRAM ON A PEt.i.t-MAiTRE PHYSICIAN.

WHEN Pennington for female ills indites, Studying alone not what, but how he writes, The ladies, as his graceful form they scan, Cry, with ill-omened rapture,--"_Killing man_!"

MCVII.--DAMPED ARDOR.

JERROLD and Laman Blanchard were strolling together about London, discussing pa.s.sionately a plan for joining Byron in Greece, when a heavy shower of rain wetted them through. Jerrold, telling the story many years after, said, "That shower of rain washed all the Greece out of us."

MCVIII.--ELLISTON AND GEORGE IV.

IN 1824, when the question of erecting a monument to Shakespeare, in his native town, was agitated by Mr. Mathews and Mr. Bunn, the King (George IV.) took a lively interest in the matter, and, considering that the leading people of both the patent theatres should be consulted, directed Sir Charles Long, Sir George Beaumont, and Sir Francis Freeling to ascertain Mr. Elliston's sentiments on the subject. As soon as these distinguished individuals (who had come direct from, and were going direct back to, the Palace) had delivered themselves of their mission, Elliston replied, "Very well, gentlemen, leave the papers with me, and _I will talk over the business with_ HIS MAJESTY."

MCIX.--TRUTH AND FICTION.

A TRAVELLER relating his adventures, told the company that he and his servants had made fifty wild Arabs run; which startling them, he observed, that there was no great matter in it,--"For," says he, "we ran, and they ran _after us_."

MCX.--A REASONABLE REFUSAL.

AT the time of expected invasion at the beginning of the century, some of the town magistrates called upon an old maiden lady of Montrose, and solicited her subscription to raise men for the service of the King.

"Indeed," she answered right st.u.r.dily, "I'll do nae sic thing; I never could raise a man _for mysel_, and I'm no gaun to raise men for King George."

MCXI.--LORD NORTH'S DROLLERY.

A VEHEMENT political declaimer, calling aloud for the head of Lord North, turned round and perceived his victim unconsciously indulging in a quiet slumber, and, becoming still more exasperated, denounced the Minister as capable of sleeping while he ruined his country; the latter only complained how cruel it was to be denied a solace which other criminals so often enjoyed, that of having a night's rest before their fate. On Mr. Martin's proposal to have a starling placed near the chair, and taught to repeat the cry of "_Infamous coalition_!" Lord North coolly suggested, that, as long as the worthy member was preserved to them, it would be a needless waste of the public money, since the starling might well perform his office _by deputy_.

MCXII.--INCAPACITY.

A YOUNG ecclesiastic asked his bishop permission to preach. "_I_ would permit you," answered the prelate; "but _nature_ will not."

MCXIII.--EPIGRAM.

(Suggested by hearing a debate in the House of Commons.)

TO wonder now at Balaam's a.s.s were weak; Is there a night that a.s.ses do not speak?

MCXIV.--VALUE OF NOTHING.

PORSON one day sent his gyp with a note to a certain Cantab, requesting him to find the value of nothing. Next day he met his friend walking, and stopping him, desired to know, "Whether he had succeeded?" His friend answered, "Yes!"--"And what may it be?" asked Porson.

"_Sixpence_!" replied the Cantab, "which I gave the man for bringing the note."

MCXV.--THE RIGHT ORGAN.

SPURZHEIM was lecturing on phrenology. "What is to be conceived the organ of drunkenness?" said the professor. "The _barrel_-organ,"

interrupted an auditor.