The Jest Book Part 69

MCCXXVIII.--QUID PRO QUO.

AN Irish lawyer, famed for cross-examining, was, on one occasion, completely silenced by a horse-dealer. "Pray, Mr. ----, you belong to a very honest profession?"--"I can't say so," replied the witness; "for, saving you _lawyers_, I think it the _most dishonest going_."

MCCXXIX.--SERVANTS.

IT was an observation of Elwes, the noted miser, that if you keep _one_ servant your work will be done; if you keep _two_, it will be half done; and if you keep _three_, you will have to do it yourself.

MCCx.x.x.--PLAIN ENOUGH.

A GENTLEMAN, praising the personal charms of a very plain woman in the presence of Foote, the latter said: "And why don't you lay claim to such an accomplished beauty?"--"What right have I to her?" exclaimed the gentleman. "Every right, by the law of nations," replied Foote; "every right, as the _first discoverer_."

MCCx.x.xI.--A POSER.

AT Plymouth there is, or was, a small green opposite the Government House, over which no one was permitted to pa.s.s. Not a creature was allowed to approach, save the General's cow. One day old Lady D----, having called at the General's, in order to make a short cut, bent her steps across the lawn, when she was arrested by the sentry calling out, and desiring her to return. "But," said lady D----, with a stately air, "do you know who I am?"--"I don't know who you be, ma'am," replied the immovable sentry, "but I knows you b'aint--you b'aint the _General's cow_." So Lady D---- wisely gave up the argument, and went the other way.

MCCx.x.xII.--TRUE CRITICISM.

A GENTLEMAN being prevailed upon to taste a lady's home-made wine, was asked for an opinion of what he had tasted. "I always give a candid one," said her guest, "where eating and drinking are concerned. _It is admirable stuff to catch flies_."

MCCx.x.xIII.--ORIGIN OF THE TERM GROG.

THE British sailors had always been accustomed to drink their allowance of brandy or rum clear, till Admiral Vernon ordered those under his command to mix it with water. The innovation gave great offence to the sailors, and for a time rendered the commander very unpopular among them. The admiral at that time wore a grogram coat, for which reason they nicknamed him "Old Grog," &c. Hence, by degrees, the mixed liquor he constrained them to drink universally obtained among them the name of _grog_.

MCCx.x.xIV.--WELL SAID.

A GENTLEMAN, speaking of the happiness of the married state before his daughter, disparagingly said, "She who marries, does well; but she who does not marry, does better."--"Well then," said the young lady, "I will _do well_; let those who choose _do better_."

MCCx.x.xV.--SLEEPING AT CHURCH.

DR. SOUTH, when once preaching before Charles II., observed that the monarch and his attendants began to nod, and some of them soon after snored, on which he broke off in his sermon, and said: "Lord Lauderdale, let me entreat you to rouse yourself; you snore so loud that you will _awake the king_!"

MCCx.x.xVI.--SHERIDAN CONVIVIAL.

LORD BYRON notes: "What a wreck is Sheridan! and all from bad pilotage; for no one had ever better gales, though now and then a little squally.

Poor dear Sherry! I shall never forget the day he, and Rogers, and Moore, and I pa.s.sed together, when _he_ talked and we listened, without one yawn, from six to one in the morning."

One night, Sheridan was found in the street by a watchman, bereft of that "divine particle of air" called reason, and fuddled, and bewildered, and almost insensible. The watchman asked, "Who are you, sir?" No answer. "What's your name?" A hiccup. "What's your name?"

Answer, in a slow, deliberate, and impa.s.sive tone, "Wilberforce!" Byron notes: "Is not that Sherry all over?--and, to my mind, excellent. Poor fellow! _his_ very dregs are better than the first sprightly runnings of others."

MCCx.x.xVII.--THE WORST OF TWO EVILS.

VILLIERS, Duke of Buckingham, in King Charles II.'s time, was saying one day to Sir Robert Viner, in a melancholy humor: "I am afraid, Sir Robert, I shall die a beggar at last, which is the most terrible thing in the world."--"Upon my word, my lord," said Sir Robert, "there is another thing more terrible which you have to apprehend, and that is that you will _live_ a beggar, at the rate you go on."

MCCx.x.xVIII.--QUID PRO QUO.

A WORTHY Roman Catholic clergyman, well known as "Priest Matheson," and universally respected in the district, had charge of a mission in Aberdeens.h.i.+re, and for a long time made his journeys on a piebald pony, the priest and his "Pyet Shelty" sharing an affectionate recognition wherever they came. On one occasion, however, he made his appearance on a steed of a different description, and pa.s.sing near a Seceding meeting-house, he forgathered with the minister, who, after the usual kindly greetings, missing the familiar pony, said, "Ou, priest! fat's come o' the auld Pyet?"--"He's deid, minister."--"Weel, he was an auld faithfu' servant, and ye wad nae doot gie him the offices o' the Church?"--"Na, minister," said his friend, not quite liking this allusion to his priestly offices, "I didna dee that, for ye see he _turned Seceder afore he deed, an' I buried him like a beast_." He then rode quietly away.

MCCx.x.xIX.--CREDIT.

AMONG the witty aphorisms upon this unsafe topic, are Lord Alvanley's description of a man who "muddled away his fortune in paying his tradesmen's bills"; Lord Orford's definition of timber, "an excrescence on the face of the earth, placed there by Providence for the payment of debts"; and Pelham's argument, that it is _respectable to be arrested_, because it shows that the party once had credit.

MCCXL.--SEEING NOT BELIEVING.

A LADY'S-MAID told her mistress that she once swallowed several pins together. "Dear me!" said the lady, "didn't they _kill you_?"

MCCXLI.--SPIRIT OF A GAMBLER.

A BON-VIVANT, brought to his death-bed by an immoderate use of wine, after having been told that he could not in all human probability survive many hours, and would die by eight o clock next morning, exerted the small remains of his strength to call the doctor back, and said, with the true spirit of a gambler, "doctor, I'll bet you a bottle I _live till nine_!"

MCCXLII.--BURKE'S TEDIOUSNESS.

THOUGH upon great occasions Burke was one of the most eloquent of men that ever sat in the British senate, he had in ordinary matters as much as any man the faculty of tiring his auditors. During the latter years of his life the failing gained so much upon him, that he more than once dispersed the house, a circ.u.mstance which procured him the nickname of the Dinner-bell. A gentleman was one day going into the House, when he was surprised to meet a great number of people coming out in a body. "Is the House up?" said he: "No," answered one of the fugitives, "but Mr.

Burke _is up_."

MCCXLIII.--VERY LIKE EACH OTHER.

IT appears that there were two persons of the name of Dr. John Thomas, not easily to be distinguished; for somebody (says Bishop Newton) was speaking of Dr. Thomas, when it was asked, "which Dr. Thomas do you mean?"--"Dr. John Thomas."--"They are both named John."--"Dr. Thomas who has a living in the city."--"They have both livings in the city."--"Dr.

Thomas who is chaplain to the king."--"They are both chaplains to the king."--"Dr. Thomas who is a very good preacher."--"They are both good preachers."--"Dr. Thomas who squints."--"They both squint." They were afterwards both Bishops.

MCCXLIV.--FORTUNATE STARS.

"MY stars!" cried a courtier, with stars and lace twirled, "What homage we n.o.bles command in the world!"

"True, my lord," said a wag, "though the world has its jars, _Some people_ owe much to their _fortunate stars_!"

MCCXLV.--A NEW READING.

TOWARDS the close of the administration of Sir Robert Walpole, he was talking very freely to some of his friends of the vanity and vexations of office, and, alluding to his intended retirement, quoted from Horace the following pa.s.sage:--

"Lusisti satis, edisti satis, atque bibisti: Tempus abire tibi est."

"Pray, Sir Robert," said one of his friends, "is that good Latin?"--"I think so," answered Sir. Robert; "what objection have you to it?"--"Why," said the other dryly, "I did not know but the word might be _bribe-isti_ in your Horace."