The Jest Book Part 71

MCCLXV.--COLERIDGE AND THELWALL.

THELWALL and Coleridge were sitting once in a beautiful recess in the Quantock Hills, when the latter said, "Citizen John, this is a fine place to _talk_ treason in!"--"Nay, Citizen Samuel," replied he; "It is rather a place to make a man _forget_ that there is any necessity for treason!"

MCCLXVI.--A FLASH OF WIT.

SYDNEY SMITH, after Macaulay's return from the East, remarked to a friend who had been speaking of the distinguished conversationalist: "Yes, he is certainly more agreeable since his return from India. His enemies might perhaps have said before (though I never did so) that he talked rather too much; but now he has _occasional flashes of silence, that make his conversation perfectly delightful_!"

MCCLXVII.--LOST AND FOUND.

THE ferryman, whilst plying over a water which was only slightly agitated, was asked by a timid lady in his boat, whether any persons were ever lost in that river. "O no," said he, "we always _finds 'em agin_ the next day."

MCCLXVIII.--A MILITARY AXIOM.

AN old soldier having been brought up to vote at an election at the expense of one of the candidates, voted for his opponent, and when reproached for his conduct, replied, "Always _quarter_ upon the enemy, my lads; always _quarter_ upon the enemy."

MCCLXIX.--A FORCIBLE ARGUMENT.

THAT erudite Cantab, Bishop Burnett, preaching before Charles II., being much warmed with his subject, uttered some religious truth with great vehemence, and at the same time, striking his fist on the desk with great violence, cried out, "Who dare deny this?"--"Faith," said the king, in a tone more _piano_ than that of the orator, "n.o.body that is within the reach of _that fist of yours_."

MCCLXX.--NOT TO BE DONE BROWN.

DR. THOMAS BROWN courted a lady for many years, but unsuccessfully, during which time it had been his custom to drink the lady's health before that of any other; but being observed one evening to omit it, a gentleman reminded him of it, and said, "Come, doctor, drink the lady, your toast." The doctor replied, "I have toasted her many years, and I cannot make her _Brown_, so I'll toast her no longer."

MCCLXXI.--AN ODD NOTION.

A LADY the other day meeting a girl who had lately left her service, inquired, "Well, Mary, where do you live now?"--"Please, ma'am, I don't _live nowhere_ now," rejoined the girl; "_I am married_!"

MCCLXXII.--A SURE TAKE.

AN old sportsman, who, at the age of eighty-three, was met by a friend riding very fast, and was asked what he was in pursuit of? "Why, sir,"

replied the other, "I am riding _after my eighty-fourth year_."

MCCLXXIII.--MR. TIERNEY'S HUMOR.

MR. TIERNEY, when alluding to the difficulty the Foxites and Pitt.i.tes had in pa.s.sing over to join each other in attacking the Addington Ministry (forgetting at the moment how easily he had himself overcome a like difficulty in joining that Ministry), alluded to the puzzle of the Fox and the Goose, and did not clearly expound his idea. Whereupon, Mr.

Dudley North said, "It's himself he means,--who left the _Fox_ to go over to the _Goose_, and put the bag of oats in his pocket."

MCCLXXIV.--DIFFERENCE OF OPINION.

"IF I were so unlucky," said an officer, "as to have a stupid son, I would certainly by all means make him a _parson_." A clergyman who was in company calmly replied, "You think differently, sir, from _your father_."

MCCLXXV.--ORTHOGRAPHY.

THE laird of M'N----b was writing a letter from an Edinburgh coffee-house, when a friend observed that he was setting at defiance the laws of orthography and grammar. "I ken that weel eno'!" exclaimed the Highland chieftain, "but how can a man _write grammar_ with a pen like this?"

MCCLXXVI.--A SHORT JOURNEY.

"ZOUNDS, fellow!" exclaimed a choleric old gentleman to a very phlegmatic matter-of-fact person, "I shall go out of my wits."--"Well, you won't have _far to go_," said the phlegmatic man.

MCCLXXVII.--LORD HOWE.

ADMIRAL LORD HOWE, when a captain, was once hastily awakened in the middle of the night by the lieutenant of the watch, who informed him with great agitation that the s.h.i.+p was on fire near the magazine. "If that be the case," said he, rising leisurely to put on his clothes, "we shall soon know it." The lieutenant flew back to the scene of danger, and almost instantly returning, exclaimed, "You need not, sir, be afraid, the fire is extinguished."--"Afraid!" exclaimed Howe, "what do you mean by that, sir? I never was afraid in my life"; and looking the lieutenant full in the face, he added, "Pray, how does a man feel, sir, when he is afraid? I need not ask how _he looks_."

MCCLXXVIII.--RATHER ETHEREAL.

DR. JOHN WILKINS wrote a work in the reign of Charles II., to show the possibility of making a voyage to the moon. The d.u.c.h.ess of Newcastle, who was likewise notorious for her vagrant speculations, said to him, "Doctor, where am I to bait at in the _upward_ journey?"--"My lady,"

replied the doctor, "of all the people in the world, I never expected that question from you; who have built so many _castles in the air_ that you might lie every night at one of _your own_."

MCCLXXIX.--HENRY VIII.

THIS monarch, after the death of Jane Seymour, had some difficulty to get another wife. His first offer was to the d.u.c.h.ess Dowager of Milan; but her answer was, "She had but _one_ head; if she had _two_, one should have been at his service."

MCCLx.x.x.--MELODRAMATIC HIT.

BURKE'S was a complete failure, when he flung the dagger on the floor of the House of Commons, and produced nothing but a smothered laugh, and a joke from Sheridan.--"The gentleman has brought us the _knife_, but where is the _fork_?"

MCCLx.x.xI.--A LONG ILLNESS.

A CLERGYMAN in the country taking his text from the fourteenth verse of the third chapter of St. Matthew: "And Peter's wife's mother lay sick of a fever," preached three Sundays on the same subject. Soon after, two country fellows going across a churchyard, and hearing the bell toll, one asked the other who it was for? "I can't exactly tell," replied he; "but it may be for Peter's wife's mother, for she has been sick of a fever _these three weeks_."

MCCLx.x.xII.--DIALOGUE IN THE WESTERN ISLANDS OF SCOTLAND.

"HOW long is this loch?"

"It will be about twanty mile."

"Twenty miles! surely it cannot be so much?"

"Maybe it will be twelve."

"It does not really seem more than four."