The Jest Book Part 80

MCDx.x.xI.--NOTHING TO BOAST OF.

"THE British empire, sir," exclaimed an orator, "is one on which the sun never sets."--"And one," replied an auditor, "in which the _tax-gatherer_ never goes to bed."

MCDx.x.xII.--COLONIAL BREWERIES.

WHAT two ideas are more inseparable than Beer and Britannia? what event more awfully important to an English colony, than the erection of its _first brewhouse?_--S.S.

MCDx.x.xIII.--A CLOSER.

SOME person caused the following inscription to be placed over the door of a house, "Let _nothing_ enter here but what is _good_."--"Then where will _the master_ go in?" asked a cynic.

MCDx.x.xIV.--THE FOOL OR KNAVE.

THY praise or dispraise is to me alike; One doth not _stroke_ me, nor the other _strike_.

MCDx.x.xV.--KNOWING HIS MAN.

AN attorney, not celebrated for his probity, was robbed one night on his way from Wicklow to Dublin. His father meeting Baron O'Grady next day, said, "My lord, have you heard of my son's robbery?"--"No," replied the baron; "whom did _he rob_?"

MCDx.x.xVI.--A GOOD REASON FOR A BAD CAUSE.

AN eminent counsellor asked another why he so often undertook bad causes. "Sir," answered the lawyer, "I have lost so many _good_ ones, that I am quite at a loss which to take."

MCDx.x.xVII.--SELF-APPLAUSE.

SOME persons can neither stir hand nor foot without making it clear they are thinking of themselves, and laying little traps for approbation.--S.S.

MCDx.x.xVIII.--A WOODEN JOKE.

BURKE said of Lord Thurlow, "He was a st.u.r.dy _oak_ at Westminster, and a _willow_ at St James's."

MCDx.x.xIX.--AN OLD ADAGE REFUTED.

A SCHOLAR having fallen into the hands of robbers was fastened to a tree, and left so nearly a whole day, till one came and unloosed him.

"Now," says he, "the old adage must be false, which saith that the _tide_ tarrieth for no man."

MCDXL.--THEATRICAL PURGATIONS.

A DRAMATIC author once observed that he knew nothing so terrible as reading his piece before a critical audience. "I know but one more terrible," said Compton, the actor, "to be obliged to sit and _hear it_."

MCDXLI.--ALL THE SAME.

IN Edinburgh resided a gentleman, who is as huge, though not so witty, as Falstaff. It is his custom when he travels to book two places, and thus secure half the inside to himself. He once sent his servant to book him to Glasgow. The man returned with the following pleasing intelligence: "I've booked you, sir; there weren't two inside places left, so I booked you _one in_ and _one out_."

MCDXLII.--THE PRINCIPLE OF GOVERNMENTS.

I SHALL not easily forget the sarcasm of Swift's simile as he told us of the Prince of Orange's harangue to the mob of Portsmouth. "We are come,"

said he, "for your good--_for all your goods_."--"A universal principle," added Swift, "of all governments; but, like most other truths, only _told by mistake_."

MCDXLIII.--DR. WALCOT'S APPLICATION FOR s.h.i.+ELD'S IVORY OPERA Pa.s.s.

s.h.i.+ELD, while the supplicating poor Ask thee for _meat_ with piteous moans; More humble I approach thy door, And beg for nothing but thy _bones_.

MCDXLIV.--COOKING HIS GOOSE.

THE performers rallying Cooke one morning, in the green room, on the awkward cut of a new coat, he apologized, by saying, "It was his tailor's _fault_."--"Yes, poor man," said Munden, "and his _misfortune_ too!"

MCDXLV.--TAKE WARNING!

A BARRISTER who had retired from practice, said: "If any man was to claim the _coat_ upon my back, and threaten my refusal with a lawsuit, he should certainly have it; lest, in defending my _coat_, I should, too late, find that I was deprived of my _waistcoat_ also."

MCDXLVI.--"THE WIDE, WIDE SEA."

HOOD says that, "A Quaker loves the ocean for its _broad brim_."

MCDXLVII.--CONDITIONAL AGREEMENT.

DR. A----, when dangerously ill at an hotel, was applied to by the landlord to pa.s.s his bill. The doctor, observing that all the charges were very high, wrote at the bottom of the account, "If I die, I _pa.s.s_ this account; if I live, I'll _examine it_."

MCDXLVIII.--ON A SQUINTING POETESS.

TO no _one_ muse does she her glance confine, But has an eye, at once, to _all the nine_.

MCDXLIX.--A NEAT SUGGESTION.

A WELSH judge, celebrated as a suitor for all sorts of places and his neglect of personal cleanliness, was thus addressed by Mr. Jekyll: "As you have asked the Ministry for everything else, ask them for a piece of _soap_ and a _nailbrush_."

MCDL.--SCOTCH "WUT."