The Jest Book Part 82

MCDLXIX.--ABSURDLY LOGICAL.

A MAD Quaker (wrote Sydney Smith) belongs to a small and rich sect; and is, therefore, of _greater_ importance than any other _mad person_ of the same degree in life.

MCDLXX.--PROOF POSITIVE.

A CHEMIST a.s.serted that all bitter things were hot. "No," said a gentleman present, "there is a _bitter_ cold day."

MCDLXXI.--PLAYER, OR LORD.

ONE day, at a party in Bath, Quin said something which caused a general murmur of delighted merriment. A n.o.bleman present, who was not distinguished for the brilliancy of his ideas, exclaimed: "What a pity 'tis, Quin, my boy, that a clever fellow like you should _be a player_!"

Quin, fixing and flas.h.i.+ng his eyes upon the speaker, replied: "Why! what would your lords.h.i.+p have me be?--a lord?"

MCDLXXII.--IN MEMORIAM.

SOYER is gone! Then be it said, At last, indeed, great PAN is dead.

MCDLXXIII.--PRIME'S PRESERVATIVE.

SERGEANT PRIME had a remarkably long nose, and being one day out riding, was flung from his horse, and fell upon his face in the middle of the road. A countryman, who saw the occurrence, ran hastily up, raised the sergeant from the mire, and asked him if he was much hurt. The sergeant replied in the negative. "I zee, zur," said the rustic, grinning, "yer _ploughshare_ saved ye!"

MCDLXXIV.--A SHARP BRUSH.

SHERIDAN was down at Brighton one summer, when Fox, the manager, desirous of showing him some civility, took him all over the theatre, and, exhibited its beauties. "There, Mr. Sheridan," said Fox, who combined twenty occupations, without being clever in any, "I built and painted all these boxes, and I painted all these scenes."--"Did you?"

said Sheridan, surveying them rapidly; "well, I should not, I am sure, have known you were a Fox by your _brush_."

MCDLXXV.--NOT SO "DAFT" AS REPUTED.

THERE was a certain "Daft Will," who was a privileged haunter of Eglington Castle and grounds. He was discovered by the n.o.ble owner one day taking a near cut, and crossing a fence in the demesne. The earl called out, "Come back, sir, that's not the road."--"Do ye ken," said Will, "whaur I'm gaun?"--"No," replied his lords.h.i.+p. "Weel, hoo the deil do ye ken _whether this be the road or no_?"

MCDLXXVI.--PICKING POCKETS.

"THESE beer-shops," quoth Barnabas, speaking in alt, "Are ruinous,--down with the growers of malt!"

"Too true," answers Ben, with a shake of the head, "Wherever they congregate, honesty's dead.

That beer breeds dishonesty causes no wonder, 'Tis nurtured in crime,--'tis concocted in plunder; In Kent while surrounded by flouris.h.i.+ng crops, I saw a rogue _picking a pocket_ of hops."

MCDLXXVII.--HUSBANDING HIS RESOURCES.

A WAG, reading in one of Brigham Young's manifestoes, "that the great resources of Utah are her women," exclaimed, "It is very evident that the prophet is disposed to _husband his resources_."

MCDLXXVIII.--SMOOTHING IT DOWN.

A CLIENT remarked to his solicitor, "You are writing my bill on very rough paper, sir."--"Never mind," was the reply of the latter, "it has to be _filed_ before it comes into court."

MCDLXXIX.--MAKING FREE WITH THE WAIST.

CURRAN, in cross-examining the chief witness of a plaintiff in an action for an a.s.sault, obliged him to acknowledge that the plaintiff had put his arm round the waist of Miss D----, which had provoked the defendant to strike him: "Then, sir, I presume," said Curran, "he took that _waist_ for _common_?"

MCDLx.x.x.--A HOPELESS INVASION.

ADMIRAL BRIDPORT, speaking of the threatened invasion by the French in 1798, dryly observed, "They might come as they could; for his own part, he could only say that they should not _come by water_."

MCDLx.x.xI.--DROLL TO ORDER.

ONE evening, a lady said to a small wit, "Come, Mr. ----, tell us a lively anecdote," and the poor fellow was mute during the remainder of the evening. "Favor me with your company on Wednesday evening, you are such a lion," said a weak party-giver to a young author. "I thank you,"

replied the wit; "but on that evening I am engaged _to eat fire_ at the Countess of ----, and _stand upon my head_ at Mrs. ----."

MCDLx.x.xII.--MEN OF WEIGHT.

IF fat men ride, they tire the horse, And if they walk themselves--that's worse: Travel at all, they are at best, Either oppressors or opprest.

MCDLx.x.xIII.--CHEMICAL ODDITY.

WHILE an ignorant lecturer was describing the nature of gas, a blue-stocking lady inquired of a gentleman near her, what was the difference between oxygin and hydrogin? "Very little, madam," said he; "by oxygin we mean pure _gin_; and by hydrogin, _gin and water_."

MCDLx.x.xIV.--AN APISH RESEMBLANCE.

CHARLES LAMB used to say, that he had a great dislike to monkeys, on the principle that "it was not pleasant to look upon one's _poor relations_."

MCDLx.x.xV.--HE WHO SUNG "THE LAYS OF ANCIENT ROME."

LORD MACAULAY, pa.s.sing one day through the Seven Dials, bought a handful of ballads from some street-folks who were bawling out their contents to a gaping audience. Proceeding on his way home, he was astonished to find himself followed by half a score of urchins, their faces beaming with expectation. "Now then, my lads, what is it?" said he. "O, that's a good 'un," replied one of the boys, "after we've come all this way."--"But what are you waiting for?" said the historian, astonished at the lad's familiarity. "Waiting for! why ain't you going to _sing, guv'ner_?"

MCDLx.x.xVI.--DEATH-BED FORGIVENESS.

A VETERAN Highlander, between whose family and that of a neighboring chieftain had existed a long hereditary feud, being on his death-bed, was reminded that this was the time to forgive all his enemies, even he who had most injured him. "Well, be it so," said the old Gael, after a short pause, "be it so; go tell Kinmare I forgive him,--but my curses rest upon my son _if ever he does_."

MCDLx.x.xVII.--A REASONABLE PREFERENCE.

WHETHER tall men or short men are best, Or bold men, or modest and shy men, I can't say, but this I protest, All the fair are in favor of _Hy-men_.