The Jest Book Part 85

MDXXVI.--PROFESSION AND PRACTICE.

A YOUNG lawyer who had been "admitted" about a year, was asked by a friend, "How do you like your new profession?" The reply was accompanied by a brief sigh to suit the occasion: "My _profession_ is much better than my _practice_."

MDXXVII.--A RISKFUL ADVENTURE.

MR. REYNOLDS, the dramatist, once met a _free_ and _easy_ actor, who told him that he had pa.s.sed three festive days at the seat of the Marquis and Marchioness of ----, _without any invitation_. He had gone there on the a.s.sumption that as my lord and lady were not on _speaking terms_, _each_ would suppose the _other_ had asked him, and so it turned out.

MDXXVIII.--WONDERFUL UNANIMITY.

JUDGE CLAYTON was an honest man, but not a profound lawyer. Soon after he was raised to the Irish bench, he happened to dine in company with Counsellor Harwood, celebrated for his fine brogue, his humor, and his legal knowledge. Clayton began to make some observations on the Laws of Ireland. "In my country" (England), said he, "the laws are numerous, but then one is always found to be a key to the other. In Ireland it is just the contrary; your laws so perpetually clash with one another, and are so very contradictory, that I protest _I don't understand them_."--"True, my lord," cried Harwood, "_that is what we all say_."

MDXXIX.--A MICHAELMAS MEETING.

SAMUEL TAYLOR COLERIDGE was so bad a horseman, that when mounted he generally attracted unfavorable notice. On a certain occasion he was riding along a turnpike road, in the county of Durham, when he was met by a wag, who, mistaking his man, thought the rider a good subject for sport. "I say, young man," cried the rustic, "did you see a _tailor_ on the road?"--"Yes, I did; and he told me that, if I went a little further, I should meet a _goose_."

MDx.x.x.--A TYPOGRAPHICAL TRANSFER.

THE editor of the _Evangelical Observer_, in reference to a certain person, took occasion to write that he was _rectus in ecclesia_, _i.e._, in good standing in the church. The compositor, in the editor's absence, converted it into _rectus in culina_, which although not very bad Latin, altered the sense very materially, giving the reverend gentleman _a good standing in the kitchen_.

MDx.x.xI.--EPIGRAM.

(Upon the trustworthiness of ---- ----.)

HE'LL keep a secret well, or I'm deceived, For what he says will never be believed.

MDx.x.xII.--GOING TO EXTREMES.

WHEN ladies wore their dresses very low and very short, a wit observed that "they began too late and ended too soon."

MDx.x.xIII.--SILENT APPRECIATION.

A GENTLEMAN gave a friend some first-rate wine, which he tasted and drank, making no remark upon it. The owner, disgusted at his guest's want of appreciation, next offered some strong but inferior wine, which the guest had no sooner tasted than he exclaimed that it was excellent wine. "But you said nothing of _the first_" remarked his host "O,"

replied the other, "the first required nothing being said of it. _It spoke for itself._ I thought the second wanted a _trumpeter_."

MDx.x.xIV.--JUSTICE MIDAS.

A JUDGE, joking a young barrister, said, "If you and I were turned into a horse and an a.s.s, which would you prefer to be?"--"The a.s.s, to be sure," replied the barrister. "I've heard of an a.s.s being made a judge, but a horse never."

MDx.x.xV.--A SIGNIFICANT DIFFERENCE.

AT an hotel at Brighton, Douglas Jerrold was dining with two friends, one of whom, after dinner, ordered "a bottle of _old_ port."--"Waiter,"

added Jerrold, with a significant twinkle of his eye, "mind now; a bottle of your _old_ port, not your _elder_ port."

MDx.x.xVI.--LAW AND PHYSIC.

WHEN Dr. H. and Sergeant A. were walking arm-in-arm, a wag said to a friend, "These two are just equal to one highwayman."--"Why?" was the response. "Because it is a lawyer and a doctor--_your money or your life_."

MDx.x.xVII.--EUCLID REFUTED.

"A PART," says Euclid, "one at once may see, Unto the whole can never equal be"; Yet W----'s speeches can this fact control, Of them a part is equal to the whole.

MDx.x.xVIII.--KEEPING IT TO HIMSELF.

BURKE once mentioned to Fox that he had written a tragedy. "Did you let Garrick see it?" inquired his friend: "No," replied Burke; "though I had the folly to _write_ it, I had the wit to keep it _to myself_."

MDx.x.xIX.--CLa.s.sICAL WIT.

DR. MAGINN dining with a friend on ham and chicken, addressed Sukey Boyle, his friend's housekeeper, thus: "You know, Boyle, what old Ovid, in his 'Art of Love' (book iii.), says; I give you the same wish:--

"'Semper tibi _pendeat hamus_,'

May you always have a _ham_ hanging in your kitchen." The doctor insisted that tea was well known to the Romans, "for," said he, "even in the time of Plautus it was a favorite beverage with the ladies,--

"'Amant _te_ omnes mulieres.'"

_Miles Glor._, Act i., sc. i., v. 58.

Observing Sukey Boyle, he said to his friend, "Ah! John, I see you follow the old advice we both learned at school, [Greek: Charizou te Psyche], 'Indulge yourself with Sukey.'" There was some hock at dinner, which he thus eulogized:--

"'Hoc tum saevas paulatim mitigat iras, Hoc minuit luctus moestaque corda levat.'"

_Ov. Trist._, lib. iv., _el._ vi., v. 15, 16.

MDXL.--A PREFERABLE WAY.

ONE of the Kembles made his first appearance on the stage as an opera singer. His voice was, however, so bad, that at a rehearsal the conductor of the orchestra called out, "Mr. Kemble! Mr. Kemble! you are murdering the music!"--"My dear sir," was the quiet rejoinder, "it is far better to murder it outright, than to keep on _beating it as you do_."

MDXLI.--A STOUT SWIMMER.

SOME one jocularly observed to the Marquis Wellesley, that, in his arrangements of the ministry, his brother, the Duke, had thrown him overboard. "Yes," said the Marquis; "but I trust I have strength enough to swim _to the other side_."

MDXLII.--A CHOICE OF EVILS.

ONE asked his friend, why he married so _little_ a wife? "Why," said he, "I thought you knew, that of all evils we should choose the _least_."