The Book of Gud Part 11

"I grant that, but his book deserved it--everything I said about it was absolutely true."

"What did he call his book?" asked Fidu.

"He called it," replied Gud, "'An Outline of History.'"

Chapter XXII

Presently Gud ran dead against an ivory wall; but being versed in aviation, he flew over it. Having done so he went on walking. Gud perceived that he was walking in a kingdom, and he walked warily, for he was doubtful whether monarchy was an ideal form of government.

His doubts increased as he noted the subjects of the kingdom, for they appeared to be full of guile. So when he became tired and sleepy, he durst not enter into an abode, but lay down beneath a friendly tree and fell asleep.

When Gud awoke he found that his sandals had been stolen from off his feet. This made him very sorrowful, for his sandals had been well broken to fit his own feet but he was worried lest they might hurt the feet of the thief. So he made a hue and cry. When a subject of the kingdom appeared, Gud demanded to be taken at once to the king.

The king, being self-made, was not very wise and did not perceive that Gud was his equal; therefore Gud was obliged to kneel on the little mat that the king kept before his throne so that visitors would not bruise their knees on the agate floor.

When Gud had done kneeling and salaaming, the king offered him a cigarette and selected a cigar for himself. Then he asked how the crops were where Gud came from.

"They are very good," said Gud, "but the morals in your kingdom are not."

To Gud's astonishment, the king replied meekly: "I know it."

Gud now related to the king how the very sandals had been stolen from off his feet as he slept beneath the tree.

"Oh, wise stranger," cried the king, "it grieves me much to have you, who come from a distant realm, discover that I have thus failed in the first duty of government which is the protection of property. Therefore let me make rest.i.tution for the injury done you in my kingdom."

The king now sent a lackey to his treasure vault, and he fetched Gud a pair of jeweled sandals which fitted his feet perfectly.

Gud's grief being a.s.suaged and his anger abated, he was genuinely sorry for this stupid king, and said to him: "I have knocked about a bit and picked up a few ideas in practical politics, so perhaps I can help you."

"It is my shame and sorrow," confessed the king, "to admit to you that I rule over a realm of thieves. We were formerly proud of our talents in that direction, for at one time this kingdom was surrounded by rich neighbors and our prosperity was based on the capturing of bounteous booty from our enemies. Alas, our enemies combined and built a great ivory wall and walled us in. And now my people steal from each other. I have issued countless edicts against stealing, and even crucified a few thieves, but it avails me nothing. My people steal and are proud of it.

Yet there is honor among my thieves. They are at heart law-abiding and truth-telling citizens."

"How do you know they are?" asked Gud.

"I know, because I had a census taken in which I asked each and every one if he were a thief, and all the thieves answered most truthfully that they were thieves."

"How do you know they answered truthfully?" questioned Gud, as he flecked his ash. "And if they are thieves, how can they be law-abiding citizens?"

"That explanation is easy. You see, my people do not consider my edicts against stealing as law because they maintain that it conflicts with their established habits."

"Did you say all of your citizens were thieves?"

"No, not all; sixty per cent., to be specific. If you do not understand percentage, that means that there are three thieves for every two honest men."

When the king said this Gud's eyes brightened and a satisfied smile beamed on his courtly countenance. "The trouble," said he, "is that your system of government is wrong."

"What?" exclaimed the king. "I am the government. Am I wrong?"

"Yes, you should have another government."

"You mean that I should hire an a.s.sa.s.sin to kill me, so that my son should be the government?"

"No," replied Gud, "I mean that you should have a different form of government."

"I never heard of a different form of government!" declared the king, throwing his cigar on the rug in his excitement.

"Then I will explain it to you. What you need is a democracy. Your people want it for they have an innate sense of it already. They believe in the majority rule. Because the majority of them are thieves they want stealing legalized. In fact, to make law against stealing is, under the circ.u.mstances, very demoralizing, for it breeds contempt for law."

"By my crown!" exclaimed the king, slapping his knee. "You are right. If you will just show me how, we will make this democracy."

So Gud showed the king how to write a declaration of independence and frame a democratic const.i.tution, and then they staged abdication and the king placed his crown in the historical museum.

When the king had done that, Gud said: "Now have a bill pa.s.sed making stealing legal so that the law will agree with the habits and customs of the majority."

When the king had done that also Gud said: "You are more popular than ever, so start a secret society to be called 'The Ancient Order of Honest Thieves.' Write the const.i.tution and by-laws yourself and make every citizen of your democracy eligible to members.h.i.+p, providing he can show proof that he has stolen something; but make it a first principle of honor that a thief shall not steal from a fellow thief."

The king was delighted, and straightway did all which Gud demanded.

The society was so popular that not only the thieves joined, but the honest men became thieves and joined also. Everything went well until all the citizens of the democracy but one had become members of the "Ancient Order of Honest Thieves." Everything that this man had possessed had been stolen, and he was naked and hungry, so finally he decided to join the society. There being no one else left to steal from, the last honest man stole the jeweled slippers that the king had given unto Gud.

At this Gud became so angry that he declared himself emperor, and hanged the king on a rainy day.

Chapter XXIII

When Gud came upon the stupid girl she was sitting under an apple tree and weeping bitterly.

"Why do you weep?" asked Gud.

"I weep," replied the girl, "because I am in disgrace."

"Oh, I see, you are a fallen woman. Why don't you commit suicide?"

"But I am too young to die," moaned the girl, "and besides I haven't fallen yet. I am weeping because they tell me I am immodest."

"But why do they say you are immodest?" asked Gud, as he picked up a green apple and tasted it to see if it were ripe.

"Because," explained the girl, "I made me a bathing pett.i.tcoat and went bathing in the pool. Someone had told me how to make it and how to sew lead sinkers in the hem of it. But I could only remember that it was something about fis.h.i.+ng tackle, and I sewed corks in the hem instead of sinkers, and so when I went bathing, the skirt floated on the top of the water."

Gud stroked his beard thoughtfully. "I can put out the eyes of the fishes," he suggested.

"But they would still remember."