The Book of Gud Part 13

We write of it, sir, because the editors and the public demand it, and for no other reason. If immorality in fiction were not profitable we would not write at all. Again I thank you sir, and good day to you."

Chapter XXV

As Gud and the Underdog walked on their way, they pa.s.sed through a dark valley where they could hardly see in the murkiness to keep their feet on the Impossible Curve, and so they proceeded slowly with eyes and ears alert.

Presently Fidu stopped and c.o.c.ked his ear, for his sense of hearing was more acute than his master's. When Gud refused to stop, Fidu ran on for a time, and then he stopped again and listened, and this time Gud stopped and listened also, whereupon he heard from afar, the sound as of a heavy clanking chain.

As they traveled on again the sound grew louder and was mingled with mumbling and smothered curses. It was Fidu, as usual, who ran ahead and found the object from whence came the mumblings of smothered curses.

When Gud drew near he saw a poor being chained to a great rock. Gud tapped the rock with his staff and discovered from its adamantine nature that it was the Rock of Conservatism. But he could not identify the being who was so securely chained, thereto.

"Who are you," demanded Gud, "and why are you chained up here in this brutal fas.h.i.+on?"

The being only answered with more mumbled cursings.

"If he cannot state his case," said Gud, "why should he expect me to free him?"

"But master, there is a smaller chain across his mouth."

"So there is," observed Gud, and he reached over and severed that smaller chain.

"I thank you," said the prisoner, "but there is little more that I can say, for I am still chained to the Rock of Conservatism."

"Oh, very well," replied Gud, as he severed the great chain also. "And now please tell me who you are and why you are bound here?"

The creature arose and stretched his aching bones. "I am Free Speech,"

said he, "and who are you?"

And Gud replied: "I am Gud."

"I never heard of you and what is your business?"

"I am retired. What is your business?"

"My business was talking too much until they bound me. But now that I am again free, I intend to go on talking and saying just what I please. For one thing I do not like that ridiculous old bath robe you wear. If you don't care for pants, why wear anything?"

"Have you always been in the business of talking too much?" inquired Gud.

"No," replied Free Speech, "I was once a school master but I got into difficulty. I had a private school and both the Just and the Unjust sent their children to my school. The Just believed that the world was flat and the Unjust believed that the world was round--"

"Which was it?" asked Gud.

"Keep still and let me talk. The Just wanted me to teach their children that the world was flat and the Unjust wanted me to teach their children that the world was round. So I organized two cla.s.ses in geography and taught the children of the Just that the world was flat and the children of the Unjust that the world was round. The Just had me arrested, but I escaped and went into the business of talking too much and saying what I pleased and asking all the questions I wanted to; and while I am grateful to you for your releasing me, all you did was your duty, and I don't feel there is any privilege of back talk coming to you; and yet you look like you were pretty wise, and there are one or two things that I don't know yet. For instance, has a ghost a soul or is he a soul?

Well, I see you don't know, but maybe you can tell me whether sins are washed away by death-bed repentance, though I really don't care, for it is not important. But I would like to know if faith will remove mountains. I don't believe it will for when I was a small lad I went to live with my grandmother. There was an ugly mountain back of her house and grandmother decided to remove it by faith and she prayed all one evening that the mountain be moved that night. The next morning she woke up and looked out the kitchen window and said: 'I knew that old mountain would still be there.' Which reminds me of a fellow I knew who was a faith healer by profession, and mighty successful, too, and went all up and down the land healing by faith and getting paid handsomely for it.

But his wife at home was an invalid: I asked her why her husband did not heal her and she said, 'I lack faith in him.'

"Do you know why they call sleep innocent, considering the kind of dreams people have? Or why blood is thicker than water? Or what there is about a sphinx that makes people think it knows the answer to riddles?

Or why a greased egg won't hatch? Or whether a man in hot water is more uncomfortable than a round peg in a square hole?"

"No," replied Gud, "I do not know any of these things and I am sorry I unbound you."

"I knew you would be," cried Free Speech, "I could tell by your old gray gown and those antiquated whiskers that you were a conservative and a hide-bound Puritan, but I tell you right now that you can't stop me talking by tying me up, and that it won't do you any good if you do. And that Underdog of yours is no better than you are. The Underdog must be educated by me, though he is usually so stupid that he chases after the copycat instead of listening to me talk, and so I don't really care as much what becomes of him as I pretend I do--and did you ever hear the story about--"

But Gud clapped his hand over the mouth of Free Speech and called: "Quick, Fidu, fetch me the chain."

As Fidu and Gud marched on their way it was to the sound of muttering and mumbled curses and the clanking of a heavy chain.

Chapter XXVI

"Master," remarked Fidu, "I have long suspected that in following this Impossible Curve we are not getting anywhere."

"What difference does it make?" replied Gud, "we are only walking for recreation."

"Oh, yes, I know all that, but still, I do not like to walk in a circle, because it makes me dizzy."

"But we can't be walking in a circle," argued Gud, "because a circle is quite probable and this curve is impossible."

"That may also be true, Master, but nevertheless we just pa.s.sed that world again where you made a virgin prophetess out of a stupid girl, and I know that building ahead of us is the almshouse on the steps of which we found the poor old beggar whom you made so happy."

Gud looked ahead. "Yes, Fidu," he agreed, "you are right; and perhaps we shall meet him again, for he will not be a beggar now but a rich and prosperous novelist."

But alas! when they came up to the almshouse they found the same old beggar looking more disreputable than before.

Gud reached over and shook him, but he did not stir nor answer. Gud turned quickly away and called Fidu, and they pa.s.sed on.

"Why did he not speak?" asked Fidu.

"Because," answered Gud, "the poor old fellow was dead, apparently of starvation."

"And you thought that he would be rich and prosperous."

"Yes, yes, so I did. I gave him the chance of his life, too, by making triangles with three s.e.xes and therefore perfectly moral--it just goes to show how useless it is to attempt to salvage these mendicants."

Chapter XXVII

As Gud was knocking about among the stars he saw yet another world spinning idly on its axis as it floated aimlessly in the nebulous ether.

Prompted by curiosity he drew nearer and observed that the ether was full of ghosts. Most of them seemed to be observing the conduct of the beings in the material world below, and Gud rightly judged them to be demised of that reality and amusing themselves by watching the doings of their descendants.