The Book of Gud Part 24

The agonizing shriek startled Gud, so that he leaped sideways rather spryly--considering that he was not slender. Just as he leaped, a chariot rushed by with the speed of light, which is the speed limit. Had Gud been less spry he would have ended fatally, the chariot would not have stopped, and Gud would have never known what it was. But having been spry, Gud had leaped almost out of the way; only his staff had been knocked from his hand and his elbow broken. Observing the injury done to the pedestrian, the demon who drove the chariot caused its speed to abate, and presently it wheeled about and came roaring back to where Gud stood, and stopped.

The demon alighted and said: "Seems we had a little accident."

"Nay, it feels, I know not seems," returned Gud, rubbing his elbow.

"Pedigreed?" asked the demon.

"No, fractured," said Gud.

"Dead, I take it," remarked the demon, and he kicked something that lay limp and p.r.o.ne on the highway.

Then Gud observed that the Underdog was dead.

"How much?" asked the demon. And before Gud could speak, the demon pulled out a roll of the medium of exchange and unrolled it and handed Gud a portion of the medium.

As Gud had no pockets he put the medium under his girdle and remarked: "If my staff had not been broken, I could revive him."

"A pulmotor would be more likely," said the demon; and he went to the chariot, brought back an instrument and applied last aid to the Underdog, who presently wagged his tail feebly, opened his eyes and whined piteously.

Gud realized that the demon had paid him because the Underdog had been dead; and now that Fidu was no longer dead, Gud felt constrained to return that which the demon had given him.

Thereupon the demon looked more gracious and said: "Where are you going?"

"We were walking for pleasure," answered Gud.

At this foolish reply the demon looked confounded. "Well I don't see any pleasure in walking," he remarked. "Better jump in--I'll take you as far as Progress. It is just beyond Advertising."

So Gud a.s.sumed alacrity, and jumped into the chariot; and the demon threw the Underdog, which was still whining piteously, into the rear of the chariot, and then sat himself beside Gud.

The demon manipulated many mechanisms skilfully; and the chariot began to roar mightily and then to purr contentedly, as the great highway slipped beneath it.

Gud was pleased with the demon's chariot and sat back on the cus.h.i.+ons and sighed enviously.

Suddenly the chariot swerved and shrieked its agonizing shriek, and Gud saw a lesser chariot, like unto the demon's chariot but smaller and meaner looking. And the demon smiled scornfully, and said: "That was a Lord."

And they had not gone far after they pa.s.sed the Lord when they came to a small place with a great sign: "SPEED LIMIT THE SPEED OF SOUND."

And the demon swore balefully, and the powerful chariot heaved and groaned distressingly. Gud looked out upon the way and saw that it was rough like a washlady's board, and there were many sharp turns and detours; and at one place there was a sign: "THIS ROAD TO HIGHWATER."

Presently there was another sign: "THIS ROAD TO BREAKFAST."

Gud asked: "What place is this?"

Just as he had spoken the chariot reversed its direction so that Gud could see behind it, and there was a sign which read: "FREE AIR AND GAS TO BURN, BUT DON'T ASK FOR WATER."

Gud was about to ask the meaning of all these strange signs and wonders when the chariot turned a somersault, and Gud saw another sign being written on the sky. This was mightier than all, and as Gud read it the Lord pa.s.sed beneath them; for the reading of the sign was: "THIS IS h.e.l.l."

When they had pa.s.sed through h.e.l.l the road became smooth again, and the demon smiled and began to burn up the road; and Gud looked into a small mirror and could see h.e.l.l diminis.h.i.+ng according to the law of perspective. But of a sudden h.e.l.l ceased to be visible, for the demon was angry; and he was exceeding the speed limit, which was the speed of light, and that is why the light of h.e.l.l could no longer reach them.

As there was nothing now to be seen in the rear, Gud looked ahead and found that he could see more than twice as fast as usual, for they were meeting the light that came from that direction at more than its own speed. So Gud saw the tail light of the Lord that had pa.s.sed them in h.e.l.l. The demon turned on the warning glare to apprize the little Lord of his approach, but this action was without avail since they were exceeding the speed of light and the glare could not s.h.i.+ne fast enough to warn the Lord; and so the Lord was unwarned. Then the demon swore unjustly and called the Lord "A way-swine"; but it availed nothing and the Lord was run down and run over, and left as an empty tin that had been stepped on by a dinosaur with an iron heel.

After they had pa.s.sed through Advertising and through Alltalk, which was a suburb of Advertising, they came to Progress and the demon slowed down and began to show Gud the town.

The Underdog had recovered from his injuries and crawled out and stood on the running board with his fore feet on the front defender and barked joyfully, for Progress was a lively enough town and largely made up of show windows and chariot factories.

When the demon came to the end of his journey Gud alighted and said: "Much obliged."

The demon said: "Not at all."

The Underdog jumped from the chariot and ran gleefully up to one who was standing in front of a factory and playing with an enormous horse-power.

Gud was jealous when he saw how much the Underdog seemed to love the stranger and how much the stranger seemed to love the Underdog, and Gud asked the demon who the stranger was. And the demon said: "Why, that is Lord, who makes the little Lord chariots. If you won't tell him I ran over one, I'll introduce you."

So Gud met Lord, and Lord said: "I think I make a pretty good chariot."

"Yes," said Gud, "It can pa.s.s any chariot in h.e.l.l."

After that Lord excused himself and went into his office to dictate an article on the "Importance of Eating Pork"; and Gud was left at the mercy of Lord's sales force.

So Gud went across the street and entered the palatial office of a great chariot maker and once inside he was obliged to pledge his honor and his name. And when Gud came out of that place he was the proud possessor of a great chariot with a mild roar.

They started off and went back toward h.e.l.l, for they were headed that way and could not turn around. They pa.s.sed through h.e.l.l and went on from h.e.l.l to Breakfast, and the chariot roared beautifully.

Then the price of faith, which the great chariot burned, began to increase at each filling station, and the hope, which smoothed its running, became full of grit, and the charity on which it rolled began to blow up, and the way became rough and the curves became impossible, even for a great chariot; and Gud began to wish for a Lord.

But there was no Lord in sight. Gud tinkered with the great chariot with patience, and energized the battery with nerve, but all was of no avail.

So when a Blackamoor came along on a gray mule, Gud made a bargain and exchanged the great chariot for the mule. But Gud recalling the story about the old man and his son and the jacka.s.s, Gud threw his animal into the river at once, to avoid criticism.

Gud now whistled to the Underdog, and the Underdog harkened to the whistle and followed after Gud, for they were both meek in the humility of wisdom.

Chapter LI

They had not gone far until Gud was arrested. His thumb print was taken and he was cast into jail. As he did not know how to change his thumb print, he wished to know why he had been arrested, in order to judge whether it would be honorable to escape. So he inquired of one of his fellow prisoners. And the prisoner listened to Gud's story and made answer: "You have been arrested because you drove a high-powered chariot without being possessed of a large amount of money. The catalog of crime which such a combination engenders is tedious and fulsome."

"But what is the remedy?" asked Gud, for he did not like to remain a criminal.

"Money," replied the prisoner, "you should make money. If we could get out of this place I would show you how, for I am by trade a money-maker."

"Very well," said Gud, and he commanded the walls of the jail to fall down, and he and the money-maker walked out over the fallen walls and proceeded to the money-maker's den.

But Gud soon tired of the tedious process of copper engraving; and going out for a stroll about the town he came upon the booth of a fortune-teller.

"I wish you would tell me a fortune," said Gud, "for I am badly in need of one."