Far to Seek Part 17

"Son of my heart--I must!"

"One more kiss then--for luck!"

So she kissed him, for luck, and left him to his midnight browsings....

Next morning she sat among her cus.h.i.+ons in the studio, ostensibly reading a long letter from her father. Actually, her mind was intent on Nevil, who stood at his easel absorbed in fragmentary studies for a new picture--flying draperies; a man's face cleverly fore-shortened.

Though nearing fifty, he looked more like five-and-thirty; his face singularly free of lines; his fair hair scarcely showing the intrusion of grey. To her he seemed perennially young; and dearer than ever--if that could be--as the years mellowed and deepened the love on which they had boldly staked everything that counted most for them both. Yet, for all her skill in divination, she could not tell precisely how he would take the things Roy had to say; nor whether Roy himself would say them in just the right way. With Nevil, so much depended on that.

Till this morning, she had scarcely realised how un.o.btrusively she had been, as it were, their connecting link in all difficult or delicate matters, where their natures were not quite in tune. But now, Roy being a man, they must come to terms in their own fas.h.i.+on....

At the first far-off sound of his step on the stairs, she rose and came over to the easel, and stood there a few moments--fascinated always by the swift sure strokes.

"Good--eh?" he asked, smiling into her serious eyes.

She nodded. "Quite evident--you are in the mood!" Her fingers lightly caressed the back of his hand. "I will come back later. _Such_ a tray of vases waiting for me in the drawing-room!"

As Roy entered, she pa.s.sed him and they exchanged a smile. Her eyes, mutely blessing him, besought him not to let his eager tongue run away with itself. Then she went out, leaving them together--the two who were her world.

Down in the drawing-room, roses and sweet-peas, cut by Christine--her fairy daughter--lay ready to hand. Between them they filled the lofty room with fragrance and harmonies of delicate colour. Then Christine flew to her beloved piano; and Lilamani wandered away to her no less beloved rose-garden. Body and mind were restless. She could settle to nothing till she knew what had pa.s.sed between Nevil and Roy. His boyish confidences and adorations of the night before had filled her cup to overflowing. She felt glad and proud that her first-born should have set his heart on the high project of trying to promote deeper sympathy between his father's great country and her own people, in this time of dangerous antagonism and unrest.

But beneath her pride and gladness, stirred a fear lest the scales she had tried to hold even, should be inclining to tilt the wrong way. For duty to his father's house was paramount. Too strong a leaning towards India--no matter for what high purpose--would still be a tilt the wrong way. She had seen the same fear lurking in Nevil's heart also; and now, unerringly, she divined the cause of that hidden trouble which baffled Roy. Nevil feared that--if Roy went to India--history might repeat itself. She admitted the danger was real; and she knew his fear implied no reflection on herself or her country. Best of all, she knew that--because of his chivalrous loyalty that had never failed her--he would not speak of it, even to his son.

Clearly then, if Roy insisted on going to India, and if a word of warning must be spoken to ease Nevil's mind, only one person in the world could speak it--herself. For all her sensitive shrinking she could not, at this critical turning-point, stand outside. She was "in it"--as Roy dramatically a.s.sured her--up to the hilt....

Time pa.s.sed--and he did not come. Troubled, she wandered back towards the house; caught sight of him, lonely and abstracted, pacing the lawn: saw him stop near the great twin beeches--that embowered a hammock, chairs and rugs--and disappear inside. Then she knew her moment had come....

She found him p.r.o.ne in the hammock: not even smoking: staring up into the cool green dome, fretted with graceful convolutions of trunk and branches. One lightly clenched hand hung over the edge. Att.i.tude and abstraction alike suggested a listless dejection that sharply caught at her heart.

He started at sight of her. "Blessed little Mummy--no hiding from _you_!"

He flung out his left hand. She took it and laid it against her cheek: a form of caress all her own.

"Were you wis.h.i.+ng to hide? I was waiting among the roses, to show you the new sweet-peas."

"And I never came. Proper beast I am! And sprawling here----" He swung his long legs over the side and stood up, tall and straight--taller than Nevil--smiling down at her. "I wasn't exactly hiding. I was s.h.i.+rking--a little bit. But now you've found me, you won't escape!"

Pressing down the edge of the hammock, he half lifted her into it and settled her among the cus.h.i.+ons, deftly tucking in her silks and muslins.

"Comfy?" he asked, surveying her, with Nevil's own smile in his eyes.

"Comfy," she sighed, wis.h.i.+ng discreet warnings at the bottom of the sea.

Just to be foolish with him--the bliss of it! To chime in with his moods, his enthusiasms, his nonsense--she asked nothing better of life, when he came home. "Very clever, Sonling. But no,"--she lifted a finger--"that won't do. You are twenty-one. Too big for the small name now. So far away up there!"

"If I shot up as high as a lamp-post, my heart would still be down there--at your feet."

He said it lightly--that was the Englishman. But he said it--that was the Rajput. And she knew not which she loved the best. Strange to love two such opposites with equal fervour.

She blew him a kiss from her finger-tips. "Very well. We will not be unkind to the small name and throw him on the rubbish-heap. But now sit, please--Sonling. You have been talking--you and Dad? Not any decision?

Is he not wis.h.i.+ng you should--work for India?"

"Mummy, I don't know." He secured a chair and sat down facing her. "He insists that I'm officially free to kick over the traces, that he's not the kind of father who 'thunders vetos from the family hearthrug!'"

Lilamani smiled very tenderly at that so characteristic touch; but she said nothing. And Roy went on: "All the same, I gathered that he's distinctly not keen on my going out there. So--what the devil am I to do? He rubbed it in that I'm full young, and no hurry--but I feel there's something else at the back of his mind."

He paused--and she could hesitate no longer.

"Yes, Roy--there is something else----"

"Then _why_ can't he speak out?"

"Not to be so impatient," she rebuked him gently. "It is because he so beautifully remains--my lover, he cannot put in words--any thought that might give----" She flung out an appealing hand. "Oh, Roy--can you not guess the trouble? He is afraid--for your marriage----"

"My marriage!" It was clear he did not yet grasp the truth. "Really, Mummy, that's a trifle previous. I'm not even thinking of marriage."

"No, Stupid One! But out there you might come to think of it! No man can tell when Kama, G.o.dling of the arrows, will throw magic dust in his eyes. You might meet other cousins--like Aruna, and there would come trouble, because"--she faced him steadily and he saw the veiled blush creep into her cheeks--"that kind of marriage--for you--must not be."

Now he understood; and, for all her high resolve, she thrilled at the swift flash of anger in his eyes.

"Who says--it must not be?" he demanded with a touch of heat. "Aunt Jane--confound her! When I do marry, it will be to please myself--not _her_!"

"Oh, hush, Roy--and listen! You run away too fast. It is not Aunt Jane--it is _I_ who am saying must not, because I know--the difficult thought in Dad's heart. And I know it is right----"

"Why is it right?" He was up in arms again. Obstinate--but how lovable!--"Why mayn't I have the same luck as he had--if it comes my way? I've never met a girl or woman that could hold a candle to you for all-round loveliness. And it's the East that gives you--inside and out--a quality, a bloom--unseizable--like moonlight----"

"But, my darling! You make me blus.h.!.+" She drew her sari across her face, hiding, under a veil of lightness, her joy at his outspoken praise.

"Well, you made me say it. And I'm not sentimentalising. I'm telling a home truth!"

His vehemence was guarantee of that. Very gently he drew back the sari and looked deep into her eyes.

"Why should we only tell the ugly ones, like Aunt Jane? Anyway, I've told you my truest one now--and I'm not ashamed of it."

"No need. It is a jewel I will treasure in my heart."

She dropped the veil of lightness, giving him sincerity for sincerity as he deserved. "But--Ancient one, have you seen so many girls and women in your long life----?"

"I've seen a pretty good mixture of all sorts--Oxford, London, and round here," he insisted unabashed. "And I've had my wits about me. Of course they're most of them jolly and straight. Good fellows in fact; talking our slang; playing our games. No harm, of course. But it kills the charm of contrast--the supreme charm. They understand _that_ in India better than we do here."

The truth of that last Lilamani could not deny. Too clearly she saw in the violent upheaval of Western womanhood the hidden germs of tragedy, for women themselves, for the race.

"You are right, Roy," she said, smiling into his serious face. "From our--from Hindu point of view, greatest richness of life come from greatest possible difference between men and women. And most of all it is so in Rajputana. But over here...." She sighed, a small s.h.i.+vering sigh. The puzzle and pain of it went too deep with her. "All this screaming and s.n.a.t.c.hing and scratching for wrong kind of things hurts my heart; because--I am woman and they are women--desecrating that in us which is a symbol of G.o.d. Nature made women for ministering to Life and Love. Are they not believing, or not caring, that by struggling to imitate man (while saying with their lips how they despise him!) they are losing their own secret, beautiful differences, so important for happiness--for the race. But marriage in the West seems more for convenience of lovers than for the race----"

"Yet your son, though he _is_ of the West--must not consider his own inclination or convenience----"

"My son," she interposed, gently inflexible, "because he is _also_ of the East, must consider this matter of the race; must try and think it with his father's mind."