A Select Collection of Old English Plays Volume Xiv Part 82

[_Aside._

CAR. I relish not th' discourse.

[_Aside._

DUKE. Have we not here some ladies o'th' New Dress, So newly styl'd, and in their honour soil'd, Who have deserted whom they ought to love?

LADIES. Is this the court masque, and the ball we look'd for?

[_Aside._

DUKE. Be you those ladies?

CHRIS. I am one of them, forsooth.

LADIES. We are the same, so like your excellence.

And now redress'd.

DUKE. We understand no less: Your alimonies signed by our court!

CHRIS. They have not signed mine, if't please your dukes.h.i.+p.

Truly, I am a very impudent, lame woman, and my husband a feeble, weak-doing man. Your grace must needs grant me ale-money.

DUKE. See what examples, ladies, you have given To simple women! I shall here propose Two tenders to your choice: either receive (And with a conjugal endearment, too) Your late-deserted husbands, or prepare The remainder of your days to entertain A strict monastic life. Your sentence's pa.s.s'd: Choose which you please.

JOC. I never shall endure A cloister'd life, unless I had a friar; Sir Gregory Shapeless shall be my Platonic.

MED. Rather than none, I'll take Sir Tristram Shorttool.

JUL. I for Sir Arthur Heartless.

CAV. I must put on my nightgown for Sir Jasper Simpleton.

FRI. Sir Amadin Puny then must be my joy, Who will be still, I think, a puny boy.

TIN. Well, since we are to this condition grown, 'Tis better far to use our own than none.

While I, of youthful favourites bereft, Will live with Scattergood, if aught be left.

SIR REU. Nay, madam, but it were not amiss if you knew first whether Scattergood will live with you, or no. Release your alimony, and I'll resign my right in your propriety;[180] and in my widowed life mourn in sack: lo, infinitely.[181]

DUKE. This juncto must be fix'd on firmer ground; Coolness of fancy acts not on the object Which it pretends to love. Join hearts to hands, And in this second contract reunite What was so long divided. Love's a cement Admits no other allay but itself To work upon th' affections. [_To the husbands._] Be it yours (For virile spirits should be so demean'd), With pleasing candour to remit what's pa.s.s'd, And with mild glosses to interpret thus In their defence still to the better sense; "Their frailties in your ladies wrought these failings, Which pious pity should commiserate, And seal it with indulgence. [_To the ladies._] Then intend Your office, madams: which is to redeem Your late-abused time: which may be deem'd Richly recover'd, being once redeem'd."

LADIES. May all our actions close with discontent When we oppose their humours.

KNIGHTS. Say and hold; And this act of oblivion shall be sign'd.

[_They salute, and take hands._

DUKE. This does content us highly; powers above Makes lovers' breach renewal of their love.[182]

CHRIS. And must Christabel, too, pack home to her husband without her ale-money?

DUKE. Or to thy death an aged prioress!

CHRIS. Nay, but by your good favour I'll meddle with none of your priorities; I'll rather go mumble a crust at home, and chuck my old Jocelin.

DUKE. Nor is this all; our sentence must extend Unto those ladies' favourites, whose hours, Strangely debauch'd, make spoil of women's honours.

LADIES. We hate them worse than h.e.l.l.

FAVOURITES. Good your grace, we are reclaim'd.

DUKE. That's but an airy note.

When practical, we'll hold it cordial.

Meantime, we do adjudge you to the quarries; Where you shall toil, till a relation give Test of your reformation. Look on those Tunis-engagers, who were timely drawn From their trepanning course, and by their hazard, Secur'd through valour, rais'd their ruin'd fortunes Above expectance! When your work is done, We shall find like adventures[183] for your spirits To grapple with, and rear your blanch'd repute.

Leave interceding, for we are resolv'd.

Now, conscript consuls, whose direction gives Life to our laws, we cannot choose but wonder How your impartial judgments should submit (As if they had been bia.s.sed) to grant These alimonies to their loose demands.

Sure, such decrees would not have relish'd well Your jealous palates, had you so been used.

"Wives to desert your beds, impeach your fames, In public courts discover your defects, Nay, to belie your weakness, and recover For all these scandals alimonious wages To feed their boundless riot!"

CONSUL. They're annull'd; Our courts will not admit them.

DUKE. 'Tis well done, For gentlemen t' engage their state and fame, And beds of honour, were a juggling game.

So we dismiss you. May the palms of peace Crown Seville's state with safety and increase.

Whereto when our reluctant actions give The least impede, may we no longer live!

[_Exeunt omnes. Trumpets sounding._

EPILOGUE

_You see our Ladies now are vanished, And gone, perchance, unto their husbands' bed, Convinc'd of guilt; where if they cannot tame Their loose desires, but still retain the name Of Alimony Ladies, you shall hear, They will not forfeit what they hold so dear-- Prohibited delights; and in that stain With blushless dalliance visit you again.

Nor shall we build on these our confidence Who give less reins to reason than to sense: Yet for redemption of their husbands' lands, Seal our acquittance with your graceful hands._

_Naviter inc.u.mbens calamo, sine merce laboro; Merce carens vates nomine verus ero._

_Haec thalami socias alimonia fecit iniquas; "Haud aries uni sufficit unus ovi."_--Arnold.

FINIS.