A Select Collection of Old English Plays Volume Xiv Part 107

JOLLY. What have we here, adultery? Take them both: here will be new matter.

PAR. Master constable, a little argument will persuade you to believe I am grossly abused. Sure, this does not look like a piece that a man would sin to enjoy: let that then move your pity and care of my reputation. Consider my calling, and do not bring me to a public shame for what you're sure I am not guilty of, but by plot of some villains.[262]

BAWD. Dear, will you disclaim me now?

PAR. O impudence!

JOLLY. Master constable, do your duty. Take them both away, as you will answer it.

CAPT. Give him his ca.s.sock to cover him.

[_They put on his ca.s.sock and her coat, and lead them away._

PAR. Why, gentlemen, whither will you carry me?

CAPT. To the next justice, I think it is Master Wild; he is newly come from travel. It will be a good way, neighbours, to express our respects to him.

PAR. No, faith, gentlemen, e'en go the next way to Tyburn, and despatch the business without ceremony, for you'll utterly disgrace me. This is that d.a.m.ned captain: my wife is abroad too; I fear she is of the plot.

JOLLY. Come, away with 'em.

BAWD. Whither will they lead us, dear?

PAR. O, O, impudence! Gentlemen, do not lead us together, I beseech you.

CAPT. Come, come, lead them together: no ceremonies. Your faults are both alike.

[_Exeunt omnes._

SCENE II.

_Enter_ WANTON _and_ WILD.

WAN. You had best brag now, and use me like my lady What-d'ye-call; but if you do, I care not.

WILD. Come, y' are a fool. I'll be a faithful friend, and make good conditions for thee before thy husband be quit.

[WILD _sits down with_ WANTON _in his lap_.

WAN. You must do it now or never.

WILD. Hark, hark! I hear them. What's the news?

_Enter_ CAPTAIN, JOLLY, WATCH, BAWD, _and_ PARSON.

CAPT. We have brought a couple of delinquents before your wors.h.i.+p: they have committed a very foul fault.

JOLLY. And we have brought the fault along too, that your wors.h.i.+p may see it. You will be the better able to judge of the offenders.

PAR. Ha! what do I see? My wife in master justice's lap!

WAN. What has the poor fellow done?

CAPT. Why, madam, he has been taken in bed with this woman, another man's wife.

WAN. In bed with her, and do you raise him to punish him? Master constable, if you would afflict him, command them to lie together again. Is not the man mad?

PAR. This is fine roguery! I find who rules the roost.

WILD. Well, to the business. You say he was taken in bed with another man's wife.

CAPT. Yes, and't like your wors.h.i.+p.

WILD. Make his mittimus to the Hole at Newgate.

WAN. Sure, I have seen this fellow's face. Friend, have I never seen your face before?

PAR. If I mistake not, I have seen one very like your ladys.h.i.+p's too. She was a captain's cast wh.o.r.e in the town. I shall have a time to be revenged.

WILD. How now, sirrah, are you threatening? Away with him.

CAPT. I'll fetch a stronger watch, sir, and return presently.

WILD. Do, master constable; and give the poor woman something, and set her free; for I dare say 'twas his wickedness. She looks like one that ne'er thought on such a thing.

BAWD. G.o.d bless your wors.h.i.+p, I am innocent. He never left making love till I consented.

_Enter_ CAPTAIN _in his own shape_.

PAR. O miserable, miserable!

CAPT. How now, what's the news here? My honoured friend and master parson, what makes you here at this time of night? why, I should have thought this a time to have envied you for your fair bride's embraces. Do you give these favours? Are these your bride-laces? It's a new way.

[_Plays with the cord that binds his arms._

PAR. Is it new to you?

WAN. How now, captain?

CAPT. Wanton, is this your plot to endear your husband to you?

PAR. No, 'tis thy plot, poor beaten captain; but I shall be revenged.

CAPT. Yes, faith, it was my plot, and I glory in't; to undermine my Machiavel, which so greedily swallowed that sweet bait that had this hook.

PAR. 'Tis well.

CAPT. But my anger ends not here. Remember the base language you gave me--son of a thousand fathers; captain of a tame band; and one that got my living by the longstaff-speeches--for which and thy former treacheries I'll ruin thee, slave. I'll have no more mercy on thee than old women on blind puppies. I'll bring you to your commendations in Latin epistles again, nor leave thee anything to live on--no, not bread--but what thou earn'st by raking gentlewomen's names in anagrams.[263] And, master justice, if ever you'll oblige me, stand to me now, that I may procure the whipping of him from the reverend bench.