A Select Collection of Old English Plays Volume I Part 72

_Thersites cometh in, first having a club upon his neck_.[571]

Have in a ruffler forth of the Greek land, Called Thersites, if ye will me know: Aback, give me room, in my way do ye not stand; For if ye do, I will soon lay you low.

In Homer of my acts ye have read, I trow: Neither Agamemnon nor Ulysses I spared to check: They could not bring me to be at their beck.

Of late from the Siege of Troy I returned, Where all my harness except this club I lost.

In an old house there it was quite burned, While I was preparing victuals for the host.

I must needs get me new, whatsoever it cost; I will go seek adventures, for I can not be idle; I will hamper some of the knaves in a bridle.

It grieveth me to hear how the knaves do brag; But by supreme Jupiter, when I am harnessed well, I shall make the dasters[572] to renne[573] into a bag, To hide them fro me as fro the devil of h.e.l.l, I doubt not but hereafter of me ye shall hear tell: How I have made the knaves for to play couch-quail.

But now to the shop of Mulciber to go I will not fail.

[_Mulciber must have a shop made in the place, and Thersites cometh before it saying aloud_:

Mulciber, whom the poets doth call the G.o.d of fire, Smith unto Jupiter, king over all: Come forth of thy office, I thee desire, And grant me my pet.i.tion, I ask a thing but small.

I will none of thy lightning, that thou art wont to make For the G.o.ds supernal, for ire when they do shake; With which they thrust the giants down to h.e.l.l That were at a convention heaven to buy and sell.

But I would have some help of Lemnos and Ithalia,[574]

That of their steel by thy craft _condatur mihi galea_.

MULCIBER.

What, fellow Thersites, do ye speak Latin now?

Nay then, farewell, I make G.o.d a vow, I do not you understand, no Latin is in my pallet.

[_And then he must do, as he would go away_.

THERSITES.

I say, abide, good Mulciber, I pray thee make me a sallet.[575]

MULCIBER.

Why, Thersites, hast thou any wit in thy head?

Wouldst thou have a sallet now? all the herbs are dead!

Beside that it is not meet for a smith To gather herbs and sallets to meddle with.

Go get thee to my lover Venus, She hath sallets enough for all us: I eat none such sallets, for now I wax old, And for my stomach they are very cold.

THERSITES.

Now I pray to Jupiter, that thou die a cuckold!

I mean a sallet, with which men do fight.

MULCIBER.

It is a small tasting of a man's might, That he should for any matter Fight with a few herbs in a platter: No great laud should follow that victory.

THERSITES.

G.o.d's pa.s.sion, Mulciber, where is thy wit and memory?

I would have a sallet made of steel.

MULCIBER.

Why, sir, in your stomach long you shall it feel, For steel is hard for to digest.

THERSITES.

Man's bones and sides, he is worse than a beast!

I would have a sallet to wear on my head, Which under my chin with a thong red Buckled shall be: Dost thou yet perceive me?

MULCIBER.

Your mind now I see: Why, thou peevish lad, Art thou almost mad, Or well in thy wit?

Get thee a wallet: Would thou have a sallet?

What wouldst thou do with it?

THERSITES.

I pray thee, good Mulciber, make no mo bones, But let me have a sallet made at once.

MULCIBER.

I must do somewhat for this knave; [_Aside_.

What manner of sallet, sir, would ye have?

THERSITES.

I would have such a one, that nother might nor main Should pierce it through, or part it in twain; Which nother gunstone nor sharp spear Should be able other to hurt or tear.

I would have it also for to save my head, If Jupiter himself would have me dead; And if he in a fume would cast at me his fire, This sallet I would have to keep me from his ire.

MULCIBER.

I perceive your mind.

Ye shall find me kind; I will for you prepare:--

[_And then he goeth into his shop, and maketh a sallet for him; at the last he saith_:

Here, Thersites, do this sallet wear, And on thy head it bear; And none shall work thee care.

[_Then Mulciber goeth into his shop, until he is called again_.