A Select Collection of Old English Plays Volume Ii Part 19

Go, or I shall send thee hence in the devil's name!

Avoid, thou lousy lurden and precious stinking slave, That neither thy name knowest nor canst any master have!

Wine-shaken pillory-peeper,[191] of lice not without a peck, Hence, or by G.o.ds precious,[192] I shall break thy neck!

CAREAWAY.

Then, master, I beseech you heartily take the pain, If I be found in any place, to bring me to me again.

Now is not this a wonderful case, That no man shall lese himself so in any place?

Have any of you heard of such a thing heretofore?

No, nor never shall, I daresay, from henceforth any more.

JACK JUGGLER [_Aside_.]

While he museth and judgeth himself upon, I will steal away for a while, and let him alone.

[_Exit Jack Juggler_.

CAREAWAY.

Good Lord of heaven, where did I myself leave?

Or who did me of my name by the way bereave?

For I am sure of this in my mind, That I did in no place leave myself behind.

If I had my name played away at dice, Or had sold myself to any man at a price, Or had made a fray, and had lost it in fighting, Or it had been stolen from me sleeping, It had been a matter, and I would have kept patience; But it spiteth my heart to have lost it by such open negligence.

Ah, thou wh.o.r.eson, drowsy, drunken sot!

It were an alms-deed to walk[193] thy coat, And I shrew him that would for thee be sorry, To see thee well curried by and by; And, by Christ, if any man would it do, I myself would help thereto.

For a man may see, thou wh.o.r.eson goose, Thou wouldest lese thine a.r.s.e, if it were loose!

Albeit I would never the deed believe, But that the thing itself doth show and preve.[194]

There was never ape so like unto an ape, As he is to me in feature and shape; But what woll my master say, trow ye, When he shall this gear hear and see?

Will he know me, think you, when he shall see me?

If he do not, another woll as good as he.

But where is that other I? whither is he gone?

To my master, by c.o.c.k's precious pa.s.sion: Either to put me out of my place, Or to accuse me to my master Bongrace!

But I woll after, as fast as I can flee: I trust to be there as soon as he.

That if my master be not ready home to come, I woll be here again as fast as I can run.

In any wise to speak with my mistress, Or else I shall never escape hanging doubtless.

DAME COY.

I shall not sup this night, full well I see; For as yet n.o.body cometh for to fet me.

But good enough, let me alone: I woll be even with them every-chone.

I say nothing, but I think somewhat, i-wis: Some there be that shall hear of this!

Of all unkind and churlish husbands this is the cast, To let their wives sit at home and fast; While they be forth, and make good cheer: Pastime and sport, as now he doth there.

But if I were a wise woman, as I am a mome, I should make myself, as good cheer at home.

But if he have thus unkindly served me, I woll not forget it this months three; And if I wist the fault were in him, I pray G.o.d I be dead, But he should have such a curry,[195] ere he went to bed, As he never had before in all his life, Nor any man else have had of his wife!

I would rate him and shake him after such a sort, As should be to him a corrosive full little to his comfort!

ALLISON TRIP-AND-GO.

If I may be so bold, by your mistress-s.h.i.+p's license, As to speak and show my mind and sentence, I think of this you may the boy thank; For I know that he playeth you many a like prank, And that would you say, if you knew as much as we, That his daily conversation and behaviour see; For if you command him to go speak with some one, It is an hour, ere he woll be gone; Then woll he run forth, and play in the street, And come again, and say that he cannot with him meet.

DAME COY.

Nay, nay, it is his master's play: He serveth me so almost every third day; But I woll be even with him, as G.o.d give me joy, And yet the fault may be in the boy-- As ungracious a graft, so mot I thrive, As any goeth on G.o.d's ground alive!

CAREAWAY.

My wit is breeched in such a brake, That I cannot devise what way is best to take.

I was almost as far as my master is; But then I began to remember this, And to cast the worst, as one in fear: If he chance to see me and keep me there, Till he come himself, and speak with my mistress, Then am I like to be in shrewd distress: Yet were I better, thought I, to turn home again.

And first speak with her, certain-- c.o.c.k's body, yonder she standeth at the door!

Now is it worse than it was before.

Would Christ I could get again out of her sight: For I see by her look she is disposed to fight.

By the Lord, she hath there an angry shrew's look--

DAME COY.

Lo, yonder cometh that unhappy hook!

CAREAWAY.

G.o.d save me, mistress, do you know me well?

DAME COY.

Come near[196] hither unto me, and I shall thee tell Why, thou naughty villain, is that thy guise, To jest with thy mistress in such wise?

Take that to begin with, and G.o.d before!

When thy master cometh home, thou shalt have more: For he told me, when he forth went, That thou shouldest come back again incontinent To bring me to supper where he now is, And thou hast played by the way, and they have done by this.

But no force I shall, thou mayest trust me, Teach all naughty knaves to beware by thee.

CAREAWAY.

Forsooth, mistress, if ye knew as much as I, Ye would not be with me half so angry; For the fault is neither in my master, nor in me, nor you, But in another knave that was here even now, And his name was Jenkin Careaway--

DAME COY.

What, I see my man is disposed to play!

I ween he be drunken or mad, I make G.o.d a vow!

CAREAWAY.

Nay, I have been made sober and tame, I, now:-- I was never so handled before in all my life: I would every man in England had so beaten[197] his wife!

I have forgotten with tousing by the hair, What I devised to say a little ere.

DAME COY.

Have I lost my supper this night through thy negligence?

CAREAWAY.

Nay then were I a knave, mistress, saving your reverence.

DAME COY.

Why, I am sure that by this time it is done--

CAREAWAY.

Yea, that it is more than an hour agone--

DAME COY.

And was not thou sent to fetch me thither?

CAREAWAY.

Yea, and had come right quickly hither, But that by the way I had a great fall, And my name, body, shape, legs, and all: And met with one, that from me did it steal; But, by G.o.d, he and I some blows did deal!

I would he were now before your gate, For you would pummel him jollily about the pate.

DAME COY.

Truly this wage-pasty[198] is either drunken or mad.