A Select Collection of Old English Plays Volume Ix Part 56

Well, trust him not: the tiger hides his claws, When oft he doth pretend[152] the greatest guiles.

But stay: here comes Lelia's nurse.

_Enter_ NURSE.

SOPHOS.

Nurse, what news? How fares my love?

NURSE.

How fares she, quotha? marry, she may fare how she will for you. Neither come to her nor send to her of a whole fortnight! Now I swear to you by my maidenhead, if my husband should have served me so when he came a wooing me, I would never have looked on him with a good face, as long as I had lived. But he was as kind a wretch as ever laid lips of a woman: he would a'come through the windows, or doors, or walls, or anything, but he would have come to me. Marry, after we had been married a while, his kindness began to slack, for I'll tell you what he did: he made me believe he would go to Green-goose fair; and I'll be sworn he took his legs, and ran clean away. And I am afraid you'll prove e'en such another kind piece to my mistress; for she sits at home in a corner weeping for you: and, I'll be sworn, she's ready to die upward for you. And her father o' the other side, he yawls at her, and jawls at her; and she leads such a life for you, it pa.s.ses: and you'll neither come to her, nor send to her. Why, she thinks you have forgotten her.

SOPHOS.

Nay, then let heav'ns in sorrow end my days, And fatal fortune never cease to frown: And heav'n and earth, and all conspire to pull me down, If black oblivion seize upon my heart, Once to estrange my thoughts from Lelia's love.

FORTUNATUS.

Why, nurse, I am sure that Lelia hears From Sophos once a day at least by Churms The lawyer, who is his only friend.

NURSE.

What, young master! G.o.d bless mine eyesight. Now, by my maidenhead, y'are welcome home: I am sure my mistress will be glad to see you. But what said you of Master Churms?

FORTUNATUS.

Marry, I say he's a well-wisher to my sister Lelia, And a secret friend to Sophos.

NURSE.

Marry, the devil he is! trust him, and hang him. Why, he cannot speak a good word on him to my old master; and he does so ruffle before my mistress with his barbarian eloquence,[153] and strut before her in a pair of Polonian legs, as if he were a gentleman-usher to the great Turk or to the devil of Dowgate. And if my mistress would be ruled by him, Sophos might go snick-up: but he has such a b.u.t.ter-milk face, that she'll never have him.

SOPHOS.

Can falsehood lurk in those enticing looks!

And deep dissemblance lie, where truth appears?

FORTUNATUS.

Injurious villain, to betray his friend!

NURSE.

Sir, do you know the gentleman?

FORTUNATUS.

Faith, not well.

NURSE.

Why, sir, he looks like a red herring at a n.o.bleman's table on Easter-day, and he speaks nothing but almond-b.u.t.ter and sugarcandy.

FORTUNATUS.

That's excellent.

SOPHOS.

This world's the chaos of confusion; No world at all, but ma.s.s of open wrongs, Wherein a man, as in a map, may see The highroad way from woe to misery.

FORTUNATUS.

Content yourself, and leave these pa.s.sions: Now do I sound the depth of all their drifts, The devil's[154] device and Churms his knavery; On whom this heart hath vow'd to be reveng'd.

I'll scatter them: the plot's already in my head.

Nurse, hie thee home, commend me to my sister; Bid her this night send for Master Churms: To him she must recount her many griefs, Exclaim against her father's hard constraint, and so Cunningly temporise with this cunning Catso, That he may think she loves him as her life; Bid her tell him that, if by any means He can convey her forth her father's gate Unto a secret friend of hers, The way to whom lies by this forest-side; That none but he shall have her to his bride.

For her departure let her 'ppoint the time To-morrow night, when Vesper 'gins to s.h.i.+ne; Here will I be when Lelia comes this way, Accompani'd with her gentleman-usher, Whose am'rous thoughts do dream on nought but love: And if this bastinado hold, I'll make Him leave his wench with Sophos for a p.a.w.n.

Let me alone to use him in his kind; This is the trap which for him I have laid, Thus craft by cunning once shall be betray'd: And, for the devil,[155] I will conjure him.

Good nurse, begone; bid her not fail: And for a token bear to her this ring, Which well she knows; for, when I saw her last, It was her favour, and she gave it me.

SOPHOS.

And bear her this from me, And with this ring bid her receive my heart-- My heart! alas, my heart I cannot give; How should I give her that which is her own?

NURSE.

And your heart be hers, her heart is yours, and so change is no robbery.

Well, I'll give her your tokens, and tell her what ye say.

FORTUNATUS.

Do, good nurse; but in any case let not my father know that I am here, until we have effected all our purposes.

NURSE.

I'll warrant you, I will not play with you, as Master Churms does with Sophos; I would ha' my ears cut from my head first.

[_Exit_ NURSE.

FORTUNATUS.

Come, Sophos, cheer up yourself, man; Let hope expel these melancholy dumps.

Meanwhile, let's in, expecting How the events of this device will fall, Until to-morrow at th'appointed time, When we'll expect the coming of your love.

What, man, I'll work it through the fire, But you shall have her.

SOPHOS.

And I will study to deserve this love.

[_Exeunt_.

_Enter_ WILLIAM CRICKET _solus_.

WILL CRICKET.

Look on me, and look of Master Churms, a good, proper man. Marry, Master Churms has something a better pair of legs indeed, but for a sweet face, a fine beard, comely corpse, and a carousing codpiece.

All England, if it can, Show me such a man, To win a wench, by Gis, To clip, to coll, to kiss, As William Cricket is.

Why, look you now: if I had been such a great, long, large, lobc.o.c.ked, loselled lurden, as Master Churms is, I'll warrant you, I should never have got Peg as long as I had lived, for, do you mark, a wench will never love a man that has all his substance in his legs. But stay: here comes my landlord; I must go salute him.

_Enter old_ PLOD-ALL _and his son_ PETER.

PLOD-ALL.

Come hither, Peter. When didst thou see Robin Goodfellow? He's the man must do the fact.

PETER PLOD-ALL.

Faith, father, I see him not this two days, but I'll seek him out, for I know he'll do the deed, and she were twenty Leilas. For, father, he's a very cunning man for give him but ten groats, and he'll give me a powder that will make Lelia come to bed to me, and when I have her there, I'll use her well enough.

PLOD-ALL.

Will he so? Marry, I will give him vorty s.h.i.+llings, if he can do it.