A Select Collection of Old English Plays Volume Xi Part 117

LIGHT. Well, thou hast got one deserves the bringing home with trumpets, and falls to thee as miraculously as the 1000 did to the tailor. Thank your good fortune. But must Hog's man be made drunk?

HAD. By all means; and thus it shall be effected: when he comes in with beer, do you upon some slight occasion fall out with him, and if you give him a cuff or two, it will give him cause to know you are the more angry, then will I slip in and take up the matter, and, striving to make you two friends, we'll make him drunk.

LIGHT. It's done in conceit already. See where he comes.

_Enter_ PETER.

P. SER. Wilt please you to taste a cup of September beer, gentlemen?

LIGHT. Pray, begin: we'll pledge you, sir.

P. SER. It's out, sir.

LIGHT. Then my hand is in, sir. [LIGHTFOOT _cuffs him_.] Why goodman Hobby-horse, if we out of our gentility offered you to begin, must you out of your rascality needs take it?

HAD. Why, how now, sirs, what's the matter?

P. SER. The gentleman here falls out with me upon nothing in the world but mere courtesy.

HAD. By this light, but he shall not; why, cousin Lightfoot!

P. SER. Is his name Lightfoot? a plague on him, he has a heavy hand.

_Enter_ YOUNG LORD WEALTHY.

Y. LORD W. Peace be here; for I came late enough from a madman.

HAD. My young lord, G.o.d save you.

Y. LORD W. And you also: I could speak it in Latin, but the phrase is common.[385]

HAD. True, my lord, and what's common ought not much to be dealt withal; but I must desire your help, my lord, to end a controversy here between this gentleman my friend and honest Peter who, [_Aside_] I dare be sworn, is as ignorant as your lords.h.i.+p.

Y. LORD W. That I will; but, my masters, this much I'll say unto you--if so be this quarrel may be taken up peaceably without the endangering of my own person, well and good: otherwise I will not meddle therewith, for I have been vexed late enough already.

HAD. Why then, my lord, if it please you, let me, being your inferior, decree the cause between them.

Y. LORD W. I do give leave or permit.

HAD. Then thus I will propound a reasonable motion; how many cuffs, Peter, did this gentleman out of his fury make thee partaker of.

P. SER. Three, at the least, sir.

HAD. All which were bestowed upon you for beginning first, Peter.

P. SER. Yes, indeed, sir.

HAD. Why then, hear the sentence of your suffering. You shall both down into Master Hog's cellar, Peter; and whereas you began first to him, so shall he there to you; and as he gave you three cuffs, so shall you retort off, in defiance of him, three black-jacks, which if he deny to pledge, then the glory is thine, and he accounted by the wise discretion of my lord here a flincher.

OMNES. A reasonable motion.

Y. LORD W. Why so; this is better than being among madmen yet.

HAD. Were you so lately with any, my lord?

Y. LORD W. Yes, faith; I'll tell you all in the cellar, how I was taken for an amba.s.sador; and being no sooner in the house, but the madman carries me up into the garret for a spy, and very roundly bad me untruss; and, had not a courteous servingman conveyed me away whilst he went to fetch whips, I think in my conscience, not respecting my honour, he would have breech'd me.[386]

HAD. By Lady, and 'twas to be fear'd; but come, my lord, we'll hear the rest in the cellar.

And honest Peter, thou that hast been griev'd, My lord and I will see thee well-reliev'd. [_Exeunt._

FOOTNOTES:

[383] Old copy, _had_.

[384] _i.e._, One of those _inexplicable dumb shows_ ridiculed by "Hamlet." See edition of Shakespeare 1778, x.p. 284.--_Steevens._

[385] Alluding to the use of it in Cooke's "City Gallant," commonly called "Green's Tu quoque," printed in the present volume.

[386] _i.e._, Whipped me.

ACTUS QUARTUS.

_Enter_ ALBERT _in the woods_.

How full of sweet content had this life been, If it had been embraced but before My burthenous conscience was so fraught with sin!

But now my griefs o'ersway that happiness.

O, that some lecher or accurs'd betrayer Of sacred friends.h.i.+p might but here arrive, And read the lines repentant on each tree That I have carv'd t' express my misery!

My admonitions now would sure convert The sinful'st creature; I could tell them now, How idly vain those humans spend their lives That daily grieve, not for offences pa.s.s'd, But to enjoy some wanton's company; Which when obtain'd, what is it but a blot, Which their whole life's repentance scarce can clear?

I could now tell to friend-betraying man, How black a sin is hateful treachery, How heavy on their wretched souls 'twill sit, When fearful death will plant his siege but near them, How heavy and affrighted will their end Seem to approach them, as if then they knew The full beginning of their endless woe Were then appointed; which astonishment, O blest repentance, keep me Albert from!

And suffer not despair to overwhelm, And make a s.h.i.+pwreck of my heavy soul.

_Enter_ MARIA, _like a page_.

Who's here? a page? what black disastrous fate Can be so cruel to his pleasing youth?

MARIA. So now, Maria, here thou must forego What nature lent thee to repay to death!

Famine, I thank thee, I have found thee kindest; Thou sett'st a period to my misery. [_Faints._

ALB. It is Maria, that fair innocent, Whom my abhorred l.u.s.t hath brought to this; I'll go for sustenance: and, O ye powers!

If ever true repentance wan acceptance, O, show it Albert now, and let him save This[387] wronged beauty from untimely grave. [_Exit_ ALBERT.

MARIA. Sure, something spake, or else my feebled sense Hath lost the use of its due property; Which is more likely, than that in this place The voice of human creature should be heard.