A Select Collection of Old English Plays Volume Xiv Part 70

TIL. This exceeds All spousal suffering, which preceding times In our Italian stories ever read, Or in their sable annals register'd.

FLO. Much of Sir Tristram Shorttool (so I think Men call your husband) have I ofttimes heard, And his penurious humour. But your wrongs Were strangers to me, till your own relation Display'd their quality; which to allay, Nay, quite remove, transmit the care to us And our directions, to supply your wants.

We should be just to all, but still retain A bosom-pity to the weaker s.e.x.

If we observ'd not this with tenderness, We should not merit this judicial seat, Whereto----

1ST BOY. These Dabrides rais'd you.

[_Aside._

TIL. Now, Madam Tinder, your aggrieves are last.

TIN. But not the least. What woman could endure In spousal rights to have a stranger share In her enjoyments? or remain depriv'd Of her propriety by losing those Appropriate dues which nature has ordain'd, And sacred rights approv'd? You see I'm young, And youth expects that tribute which our s.e.x May challenge by descent.

ALL. Her plea is good.

TIN. Would you not, reverend consuls, hold it strange To see a savage, unconfined bull, When th' pasture's fruitful, and the milk-pail full, And all delights that might content a beast, Range here and there, and break into those grounds Which are less fertile, and where neither shade Affords him umbrage, nor smooth-running brooks Streams to allay his thirst: nay, where the gra.s.s, Too strow[129] for fodder, and too rank for pasture, Would generate more fatal maladies Than a whole college of state empirics Or country farriers had art to cure?

FLO. Such bullocks, madam, well deserve a baiting.

TIL. And beating too!

TIN. Yet this is my condition: For marrying one Sir Reuben Scattergood, A person in appearance like enough, And well-dispos'd for aught my watchful eyes Could long discover; but, his father dead, And his revenues by his death swol'n great, His nuptial bed he leaves, and entertains Such mercenary prost.i.tutes as fancy-- His loose-exposed fancy--lur'd him to.

CAR. Injurious ribald!

PAL. Hateful libertine!

TIL. Had she been old, or crook'd, or any way Deform'd.

SAL. Or ill-condition'd.

MOR. Or averse, When he was active.

FLO. Or run retrograde To his just pleasures: these might have abridg'd And weaken'd his affection. But when beauty, Composed temper, and a graceful presence, Cloth'd both with majesty and a sweet smile Of such attractive quality, as the adamant Cannot more virtually enforce its object, Than these impressive motives of content: He merits not the t.i.tle of a man, Much less the embraces of so choice a spouse, Who violates his faith, deceives her trust.

CAR. I am directly, sir, of your opinion.

PAL. So I.

MOR. And I.

ALL. So all of us concur, To make our judgments more unanimous.

TIN. And, to confirm't, may you be pleas'd to give Attention to a story I shall tell, As true as strange, to manifest th' affronts My patience has endur'd, and to what height His luxury ascended.

ALL. Madam, do; We shall lend ready ears to your discourse.

TIN. It chanc'd one day,--and ofttimes so it chanc'd, For doubtful thoughts have ever jealous eyes,-- That my suspicion had begot a fear That my neglectful husband had a kindness, And more than usual, unto my maid-- A proper maid, if so she might be call'd: Now, to possess myself whether those grounds Whereon I built might just inducements be Of my late-hatch'd fears, I made pretence, (What is it jealousy will not design?) To go from home. But this was no recede, But a retire: for in the ev'ning-time, When these two amorous pair expected least Such an unwelcome visit, I repair'd To a close arbour set with sycamores, The tamarisk, and sweet-breath'd eglantine, That local object which I fix'd upon, Not of myself, but by direction, Where I found out what I suspected long: Such wanton dalliance as the Lemnian smith Never discover'd more, when he prepar'd His artful net t' enwreath his Eriena Impal'd in Mars his arms.

ALL. Could you contain Your pa.s.sion in such Aretine a posture?

TIN. With much reluctancy I did indeed, Curbing my temper, which was much enrag'd, With this too mild expression, "Fie, for shame!

Minion, I'll have none of this work, not I."

"You may, when it is offer'd you," said he.

1ST BOY. Ha, ha, ha! this was a bold-fac'd niggler;[130] trust me, wag.

[_Aside._

FLO. Was't not enough for him t' enjoy his pleasure, But he must jeer you too?

CAR. As if you were A stale to his light dalliance!

PAL. Or a scorn to his embraces!

Was her servile beauty, Expos'd to sale, dishonour of her s.e.x, To be compar'd to yours?

SAL. Whose native splendour, Without the help of art, which makes complexion By borrow'd colours much unlike itself: May challenge a prerogative i' th' rank Of our completest features.

MOR. It seems strange, How you could brook th' affront without revenge On that insulting prost.i.tute.

TIL. No doubt She would take hold of opportunity By th' foretop, and repair her pressing wrongs By private satisfactions; which works best, When their revenge seems sleeping and at rest.

This lady would not rate her worth so small, As to forego both use and princ.i.p.al.

2D BOY. No, reverend favourite, you will find this madam Spitfire of a keener metal than so. She's right tinder: no sooner touch than take.

[_Aside._

FLO. Ladies, we've heard your different complaints, Forcing our just compa.s.sion and resolves To tender your condition, and redress.

What may the purport be of your pet.i.tion, Relating to your grievances?

ALL-LADIES. A freedom From our disrelish'd beds.

ALL-PLATONICS. 'Tis granted you.

LADIES. With alimony to support our state In this division.

PLAT. Your suit is just; Should we oppose it, we might wrong ourselves.

1ST BOY. Very likely; for they mean to be made whole sharers both in their persons and personal estates. This is brave judicial brokage.

[_Aside._

FLO. Speak, fellow-colleagues, shall I limit them, What we in justice hold expedient For th' alimonal charge proportion'd them, And in what measure to supply their wants?

ALL. Do so, Florello; we shall second it.

FLO. Thus, I conceive, these ladies have resign'd Their t.i.tle, property and interest, In whole and not in part, which they enjoy'd In their defective husbands. Were't not just In lieu o' th' whole, which they have here disclaim'd, That they should seize upon the moiety Of their revenues, whom they've here deserted As useless instruments unto the state?