Law and Laughter Part 3

"No."

"Upon your oath, sir, are you not generally known by the name of d.i.c.k Strother?"

"That has nothing to do with this business."

"I insist upon hearing an answer. Have you not obtained that name?"

"I am sometimes called so."

"Now, d.i.c.k, as you admit you are so called, do you know the story of the hare and the ball of wax?"

"I have heard it."

"Then pray have the goodness to relate it to the judge and the jury."

"I do not exactly remember it."

"Then I will refresh your memory by relating it myself. d.i.c.k Strother was a cobbler, and being in want of a hare for a friend, he put in his pocket a ball of wax and took a walk into the fields, where he soon espied one. d.i.c.k then very dexterously threw the ball of wax at her head, where it stuck, which so alarmed poor puss that in the violence of her haste she ran in contact with the head of another; both stuck fast together, and d.i.c.k, lucky d.i.c.k! caught both. d.i.c.k obtained great celebrity by telling this wondrous feat, which he always affirmed as a truth, and from that every notorious liar in Thorner bears the t.i.tle of d.i.c.k Strother. Now, d.i.c.k--I mean John--is not that the reason why you are called d.i.c.k Strother?"

"It may be so."

"Then you may go."

The same turbulent spirit (Lord Brougham) fell foul of many other law lords. It is well known that in a speech made at the Temple he accused Lord Campbell, who had just published his _Lives of the Chancellors_, of adding a new terror to death. Lord Campbell tells an amusing story which shows that he could retort with effect upon his n.o.ble and learned friend. He says that he called one morning upon Brougham at his house in Grafton Street, who "soon rushed in very eagerly, but suddenly stopped short, exclaiming, 'Lord bless me, is it you? They told me it was Stanley'; and notwithstanding his accustomed frank and courteous manner, I had some difficulty in fixing his attention. In the evening I stepped across the House to the Opposition Bench, where Brougham and Stanley were sitting next each other, and, addressing the latter in the hearing of the former, I said, 'Has our n.o.ble and learned friend told you the disappointment he suffered this morning? He thought he had a visit from the Leader of the Protectionists to offer him the Great Seal, and it turned out to be only Campbell come to bore him about a point of Scotch law.' _Brougham_: 'Don't mind what Jack Campbell says; he has a prescriptive privilege to tell lies of all Chancellors, dead and living.'"

According to the same authority, Brougham was at one time very anxious to be made an earl, but his desire was entirely quenched when Lord John Russell gave an earldom to Lord Chancellor Cottenham. He is said to have been so indignant that he either wrote or dictated a pamphlet in which the new creation was ridiculed, and to which was appended the significant motto, "The offence is rank."

The common feeling with regard to Sir James Scarlett's (Lord Abinger) success in gaining verdicts led to the composition of the following pleasantry, attributed to Lord Campbell. "Whereas Scarlett had contrived a machine, by using which, while he argued, he could make the judges'

heads nod with pleasure, Brougham in course of time got hold of it; but not knowing how to manage it when he argued, the judges, instead of nodding, shook their heads."

And it is Lord Campbell who has preserved the following specimen of a judge's concluding remarks to a prisoner convicted of uttering a forged one-pound note. After having pointed out to him the enormity of the offence, and exhorted him to prepare for another world, added: "And I trust that through the merits and the mediation of our Blessed Redeemer, you may there experience that mercy which a due regard to the _credit of the paper currency_ of the country forbids you to hope for here."

Campbell married Miss Scarlett, a daughter of Lord Abinger, and was absent from Court when a case in which he was to appear was called before Mr. Justice Abbot. "I thought, Mr. Brougham," said his lords.h.i.+p, "that Mr. Campbell was in this case?"--"Yes, my lord," replied Mr.

Brougham, with that sarcastic look peculiarly his own. "He was, my lord, but I understand he is ill."--"I am sorry to hear that, Mr. Brougham,"

said the judge. "My lord," replied Mr. Brougham, "it is whispered here that the cause of my learned friend's absence is scarlet fever."

[Ill.u.s.tration: JOHN CAMPBELL, BARON CAMPBELL, LORD CHANCELLOR.]

In his native town of Cupar, Fife, Lord Chancellor Campbell's abilities and position were not so much appreciated as they were elsewhere. This was a sore point with his father, who was parish minister, and when the son was not selected by the town authorities to conduct their legal business in London the future Lord Chancellor also felt affronted. On the publication of the _Lives of the Chancellors_ some of his townsmen wrote asking him to present a copy to the local library of his native town, which gave Campbell an opportunity to square accounts with them for their past neglect of him, for he curtly replied to their request that "they could purchase the book from any bookseller." An old lady of the town relating some gossip about the Campbell family said, "They meant John for the Church, but he went to London _and got on very well_." Such was the good lady's idea of the relative positions of minister of a Scottish parish and Lord Chancellor of England.

The difference in the p.r.o.nunciation of a word led to an amiable contest between Lord Campbell and a learned Q.C. In an action to recover damages to a carriage the counsel called the vehicle a "brougham," p.r.o.nouncing both syllables of the word. Lord Campbell pompously observed, "Broom is the usual p.r.o.nunciation--a carriage of the kind you mean is not incorrectly called a 'Broom'--that p.r.o.nunciation is open to no grave objection, and it has the advantage of saving the time consumed by uttering an extra syllable." Later in the trial Lord Campbell alluding to a similar case referred to the carriage which had been injured as an "Omnibus."--"Pardon me, my lord," interposed the Q.C., "a carriage of the kind to which you draw attention is usually termed a 'bus'; that p.r.o.nunciation is open to no grave objection, and it has the great advantage of saving the time consumed by uttering _two_ extra syllables."

[Ill.u.s.tration: SIR SAMUEL MARTIN, BARON OF EXCHEQUER.]

Mr. Martin (afterwards Baron Martin), when at the Bar, was addressing the Court in an insurance case, when he was interrupted by Baron Alderson, who said, "Mr. Martin, do you think any office would insure your life?"--"Certainly, my lord," replied Mr. Martin, "mine is a very good life."--"You should remember, Mr. Martin, that yours is brief existence."

This judge's reason for releasing a juryman from duty was equally smart.

The juryman in question confessed that he was deaf in one ear. "Then leave the box before the trial begins," observed his lords.h.i.+p; "it is necessary that the jurymen should hear _both_ sides."

Baron Martin was one of the good-natured judges who from the following story seem to stretch that amiable quality to its fullest extent. In sentencing a man convicted of a petty theft he said: "Look, I hardly know what to do with you, but you can take six months."--"I can't take that, my lord," said the prisoner; "it's too much. I can't take it; your lords.h.i.+p sees I did not steal very much after all." The Baron indulged in one of his characteristic chuckling laughs, and said: "Well that's vera true; ye didn't steal _much_. Well then, ye can tak' _four_. Will that do--four months?"--"No, my lord, but I can't take that neither."--"Then take _three_."--"That's nearer the mark, my lord,"

replied the prisoner, "but I'd rather you'd make it _two_, if you'll be so kind."--"Very well then, tak' two," said the judge; "and don't come again. If you do, I'll give you--well, it'll all depend."

[Ill.u.s.tration: FREDERICK THESIGER, BARON CHELMSFORD, LORD CHANCELLOR.]

Lord Erskine's punning upon legal terms has already been noticed, but no better quip is recorded than that of Lord Chelmsford, when as Sir Frederick Thesiger, and a leader at the Bar, he took exception to the irregular examination of a witness by a learned serjeant. "I have a right," maintained the serjeant, "to deal with my witness as I please."--"To that I offer no objection," retorted Sir Frederick. "You may _deal_ as you like, but you shan't _lead_."

On all occasions Samuel Warren, the author of _Ten Thousand a Year_, was given to boasting, at the Bar mess, of his intimacy with members of the peerage. One day he was saying that, while dining lately at the Duke of Leeds, he was surprised at finding no fish of any kind was served. "That is easily accounted for," said Thesiger; "they had probably eaten it all _upstairs_."

Walking down St. James's Street one day, Lord Chelmsford was accosted by a stranger, who exclaimed, "Mr. Birch, I believe."--"If you believe that, sir, you'll believe anything," replied his lords.h.i.+p as he pa.s.sed on.

[Ill.u.s.tration: SIR ALEXANDER c.o.c.kBURN, BART., LORD CHIEF JUSTICE.]

In the recently published _c.o.c.kburn Family Records_ the following is told of the Chief Justice's ready wit:

"At a certain trial an extremely pretty girl was called as a witness.

The Lord Chief Justice was very particular about her giving her full name and address. Of course he took note. So did the sheriff's officer!

That evening they both arrived at the young lady's door simultaneously, whereupon Sir Alexander tapped the officer on the shoulder, remarking, 'No, no, no, Mr. Sheriff's Officer, judgment first, execution afterwards!'"

There never was a barrister whose rise at the Bar was more rapid or remarkable than that of Sir Alexander c.o.c.kburn, and along with him was his friend and close a.s.sociate as a brother lawyer of the Crown and Bencher of the same Inn, Sir Richard Bethel, who became Lord Chancellor a few years after Sir Alexander was made Chief Justice. Sir Richard once said to his colleague, "My dear fellow, equity will swallow up your common law."--"I don't know about that," said Sir Alexander, "but you'll find it rather hard of digestion."

Although the wit of Lord Justice Knight Bruce was somewhat sarcastic it was rarely so severe as that of Lord Westbury. There was always a tone of good humour about it. He had indeed a kind of grave judicial waggery, which is well exemplified in the following judgment in a separation suit between an attorney and his wife. "The Court has been now for several days occupied in the matrimonial quarrels of a solicitor and his wife.

He was a man not unaccustomed to the ways of the softer s.e.x, for he already had nine children by three successive wives. She, however--herself a widow--was well informed of these antecedents; and it appears did not consider them any objection to their union; and they were married. No sooner were they united, however, than they were unhappily disunited by unhappy disputes as to her property. These disputes disturbed even the period usually dedicated to the softer delights of matrimony, and the honeymoon was occupied by endeavours to induce her to exercise a testamentary power of appointment in his favour. She, however, refused, and so we find that in due course, at the end of the month, he brought home with some disgust his still intestate bride. The disputes continued, until at last they exchanged the irregular quarrels of domestic strife for the more disciplined warfare of Lincoln's Inn and Doctors Commons."

Of this judge the story is told that a Chancery counsel in a long and dry argument quoted the legal maxim--_expressio unius est exclusio alterius_--p.r.o.nouncing the "i" in _unius_ as short as possible. This roused his lords.h.i.+p from the drowsiness into which he had been lulled.

"Unyus! Mr. ----? We always p.r.o.nounced that _unius_ at school."--"Oh yes, my lord," replied the counsel; "but some of the poets use it short for the sake of the metre."--"You forget, Mr. ----," rejoined the judge, "that we are prosing here."

Mr. Justice Willes was a judge of kindly disposition, and when he had to convey a rebuke he did so in some delicate and refined way like this. A young barrister feeling in a hobble, wished to get out of it by saying, "I throw myself on your lords.h.i.+p's hands."--"Mr. ----, I decline the burden," replied the learned judge.

One day in judge's chambers, after being pressed by counsel very strongly against his own views, he said with quaint humour: "I'm one of the most obstinate men in the world."--"G.o.d forbid that I should be so rude as to contradict your lords.h.i.+p," replied the counsel.

Mr. Montague Williams in his _Leaves of a Life_ relates the following story of Mr. Justice Byles. He was once hearing a case in which a woman was charged with causing the death of her child by not giving it proper food, or treating it with the necessary care. Mr. F----, of the Western Circuit, conducted the defence, and while addressing the jury said:

"Gentlemen, it appears to be impossible that the prisoner can have committed this crime. A mother guilty of such conduct to her own child?

Why, it is repugnant to our better feelings"; and then being carried away by his own eloquence, he proceeded: "Gentlemen, the beasts of the field, the birds of the air, suckle their young, and----"

But at this point the learned judge interrupted him, and said: