Fifty Bab Ballads Part 5

His father, a simple old gentleman, he With nursery rhyme And "Once on a time,"

Would tell him the story of "Little Bo-P,"

"So pretty was she, So pretty and wee, As pretty, as pretty, as pretty could be."

But the babe, with a dig that would startle an ox, With his "C'ck! Oh, my! - Go along wiz 'oo, fie!"

Would exclaim, "I'm afraid 'oo a socking ole fox."

Now a father it shocks, And it whitens his locks, When his little babe calls him a shocking old fox.

The name of his father he'd couple and pair (With his ill-bred laugh, And insolent chaff) With those of the nursery heroines rare - Virginia the Fair, Or Good Goldenhair, Till the nuisance was more than a prophet could bear.

"There's Jill and White Cat" (said the bold little brat, With his loud, "Ha, ha!") "'Oo sly ickle Pa!

Wiz 'oo Beauty, Bo-Peep, and 'oo Mrs. Jack Sprat!

I've noticed 'oo pat MY pretty White Cat - I sink dear mamma ought to know about dat!"

He early determined to marry and wive, For better or worse With his elderly nurse - Which the poor little boy didn't live to contrive: His hearth didn't thrive - No longer alive, He died an enfeebled old dotard at five!

MORAL.

Now, elderly men of the bachelor crew, With wrinkled hose And spectacled nose, Don't marry at all--you may take it as true If ever you do The step you will rue, For your babes will be elderly--elderly too.

Ballad: TO PHOEBE. {2}

"Gentle, modest little flower, Sweet epitome of May, Love me but for half an hour, Love me, love me, little fay."

Sentences so fiercely flaming In your tiny sh.e.l.l-like ear, I should always be exclaiming If I loved you, PHOEBE dear.

"Smiles that thrill from any distance Shed upon me while I sing!

Please ecstaticize existence, Love me, oh, thou fairy thing!"

Words like these, outpouring sadly You'd perpetually hear, If I loved you fondly, madly; - But I do not, PHOEBE dear.

Ballad: BAINES CAREW, GENTLEMAN.

Of all the good attorneys who Have placed their names upon the roll, But few could equal BAINES CAREW For tender-heartedness and soul.

Whene'er he heard a tale of woe From client A or client B, His grief would overcome him so He'd scarce have strength to take his fee.

It laid him up for many days, When duty led him to distrain, And serving writs, although it pays, Gave him excruciating pain.

He made out costs, distrained for rent, Foreclosed and sued, with moistened eye - No bill of costs could represent The value of such sympathy.

No charges can approximate The worth of sympathy with woe; - Although I think I ought to state He did his best to make them so.

Of all the many clients who Had mustered round his legal flag, No single client of the crew Was half so dear as CAPTAIN BAGG.

Now, CAPTAIN BAGG had bowed him to A heavy matrimonial yoke - His wifey had of faults a few - She never could resist a joke.

Her chaff at first he meekly bore, Till unendurable it grew.

"To stop this persecution sore I will consult my friend CAREW.

"And when CAREW'S advice I've got, Divorce a mensa I shall try."

(A legal separation--not A vinculo conjugii.)

"Oh, BAINES CAREW, my woe I've kept A secret hitherto, you know;" - (And BAINES CAREW, ESQUIRE, he wept To hear that BAGG HAD any woe.)

"My case, indeed, is pa.s.sing sad.

My wife--whom I considered true - With brutal conduct drives me mad."

"I am appalled," said BAINES CAREW.

"What! sound the matrimonial knell Of worthy people such as these!

Why was I an attorney? Well - Go on to the saevitia, please."

"Domestic bliss has proved my bane, - A harder case you never heard, My wife (in other matters sane) Pretends that I'm a d.i.c.ky bird!

"She makes me sing, 'Too-whit, too-wee!'

And stand upon a rounded stick, And always introduces me To every one as 'Pretty d.i.c.k'!"

"Oh, dear," said weeping BAINES CAREW, "This is the direst case I know."

"I'm grieved," said BAGG, "at paining you - "To COBB and POLTHERTHWAITE I'll go -

"To COBB'S cold, calculating ear, My gruesome sorrows I'll impart" - "No; stop," said BAINES, "I'll dry my tear, And steel my sympathetic heart."

"She makes me perch upon a tree, Rewarding me with 'Sweety--nice!'

And threatens to exhibit me With four or five performing mice."

"Restrain my tears I wish I could"

(Said BAINES), "I don't know what to do."

Said CAPTAIN BAGG, "You're very good."

"Oh, not at all," said BAINES CAREW.

"She makes me fire a gun," said BAGG; "And, at a preconcerted word, Climb up a ladder with a flag, Like any street performing bird.

"She places sugar in my way - In public places calls me 'Sweet!'

She gives me groundsel every day, And hard canary-seed to eat."

"Oh, woe! oh, sad! oh, dire to tell!"

(Said BAINES). "Be good enough to stop."

And senseless on the floor he fell, With unpremeditated flop!

Said CAPTAIN BAGG, "Well, really I Am grieved to think it pains you so.

I thank you for your sympathy; But, hang it!--come--I say, you know!"

But BAINES lay flat upon the floor, Convulsed with sympathetic sob; - The Captain toddled off next door, And gave the case to MR. COBB.