More Toasts Part 109

MULDOON--"He's a feller pwhat burns his bridges behind him an' thin crosses thim before he comes to thim."

"Mrs. Flanagan," said the Landlord, "I've decided to raise your rent."

"Ah, now," beamed Mrs. Flanagan. "It's the darlint ye certinly are. I wor wonderin' how I cud raise it meself, sur."

BLONDINE--"Isn't Bennie Beanbrough the thick one?"

BRUNETTA--"He is all of that."

"I said to him 'every time I open my mouth I put my foot in it--'"

"Uh huh!"

"And right away the poor fish looked down at my feet."

An Irishman who is noted for his wit went into a public-house the other day and called for a gla.s.s of beer. The tumbler was not full enough for Pat's satisfaction, so he quietly asked the publican how many barrels of beer he sold in a week.

"Ten," replied the publican.

"I think," replied Pat, "if yer stand me a pint I could put yez on a plan to sell eleven barrels a week."

"Agreed," said the landlord, handing him a pint. "How now am I to do it?"

Pat, taking a big drink at his new pint, "Always fill your gla.s.ses."

An Irishman who was rather too fond of strong drink was asked by the parish priest:

"My son, how do you expect to get into Heaven?"

The Irishman replied:

"Shure, and that's aisy! When I get to the gates of Heaven I'll open the door and shut the door, and open the door and shut the door, an' keep on doing that till St. Peter gets impatient and says, 'For goodness' sake, Mike, either come in or stay out!'"

Soon after a certain judge of the Supreme Court of Rhode Island had been appointed he went down into one of the southern counties to sit for a week. He was well satisfied with himself.

"Mary," he said to the Irish waitress at the hotel where he was stopping, "you've been in this country how long?"

"Two years, sir," she said.

"Do you like it?"

"Sure, it's well enough," answered Mary.

"But, Mary," the judge continued, "you have many privileges in this country, which you'd not have in Ireland. Now at home you would never be in a room with a justice of the supreme court, and chatting familiarly with him."

"But, sure, sir," said Mary, quite in earnest, "you'd never be a judge at home."

"Sure, Oi'll write me name on the back o' your note, guaranteein'

ye'll pay ut," said Pat, smiling pleasantly as he indorsed Billup's note, "but Oi know doomed well ye won't pay ut. We'll have a laugh at th' ixpinse of the bank."--_Life_.

PAT--"This is the foist time inny of these corporations hev done innything to binnefit the workingman."

MIKE--"How is that, Pat?"

PAT--"It is this siven-cint fare. I hev bin walkin' to and from me work and savin' tin cints, and now I kin save fourteen cints."

An Irishman asked at the railway station for a ticket to Philadelphia.

"Do you want a ticket one way or one that will take you there and back?"

The Irishman looked at him suspiciously for a moment, then said: "What the devil do I want a ticket there an' back for when I'm here already?"

An Irish mother reproving her son exclaimed, "I just wish that your father was at home some evening to see how you behave yourself when he is out!"

A tourist reports seeing the following police regulation posted up in Ireland:

"Until further notice every vehicle must carry a light when darkness begins. Darkness begins when the lights are lit."

IRISHMEN

"'Tis easy to see," said the tourist to Paddy, who was driving him around, "that your parents came from Ireland."

"No, sir, they did not," replied Paddy.

"What! Do you mean to say your parents did not come from Ireland?"

"No, sir; you are mistaken," replied Paddy; "they're there yit."--_The Nation_.

A zealous excise officer was sent to Ireland to try to locate several "moons.h.i.+ne" stills which were known to exist.

Meeting a native the excise officer approached Pat, saying:

"I'll give you five s.h.i.+llings, Pat, if you can take me to a private still."