More Toasts Part 133

CAPTAIN (speaking to raw recruit trying to drill)--"What was your occupation before entering the army?"

ROOKIE--"Traveling salesman, sir."

CAPTAIN--"Stick around; you'll get plenty of orders here."

MILK

"You are charged with selling adulterated milk," said the judge.

"Your Honor, I plead not guilty."

"But the testimony shows that it is 25 per cent water."

"Then it must be high-grade milk," returned the plaintiff. "If your Honor will look up the word 'milk' in your dictionary you will find that it contains from 80 to 90 per cent water. I should have sold it for cream!"

The morning milk delivered at the parsonage was certainly weak, and the head of the household considered it necessary to remonstrate. "Are you aware," he remarked to the milkman, "that we require this milk for the hitherto recognized purposes?"

"I hope so, sir," replied the tradesman.

"That's all right, then," returned the parson gently; "I merely mentioned it in case you may have thought we wanted it for the font."

On the outskirts of Philadelphia is an admirable stock farm. One day last summer some poor children were permitted to go over this farm, and when their inspection was done, to each of them was given a gla.s.s of milk. The milk was excellent.

"Well, boys, how do you like it?" the farmer said, when they had drained their gla.s.ses.

"Fine," said one little fellow. Then after a pause, he added, "I wisht our milkman kept a cow."

MILLENNIUM

_What Will We Do?_

What will we do when the good days come-- When the prima donna's lips are dumb, And the man who reads us his "little things"

Has lost his voice like the girl who sings; When stilled is the breath of the cornet-man, And the shrilling chords of the quartette clan; When our neighbors' children have lost their drums Oh, what will we do when the good time comes?

Oh, what will we do in that good blithe time, When the tramp will work--oh, thing sublime!

And the scornful dame who stands on your feet Will "Thank you, sir," for the profered seat; And the man you hire to work by the day, Will allow you to do his work your way; And the cook who trieth your appet.i.te Will steal no more than she thinks is right; When the boy you hire will call you "Sir,"

Instead of "Say" and "Guverner"; When the funny man is humorsome-- How can we stand the millennium?

--_Robert J. Burdette_.

MILLINERS

"Madam," announced the new maid, "your husband is lying unconscious in the reception hall, with a large box beside him and crus.h.i.+ng a paper in his hand."

"Ah," cried her mistress in ecstacy, "my new hat has come."

MILLIONAIRES

_The Idle Rich_

The teacher asked his pupils to write an essay, telling what they would do if they had five million dollars.

Every pupil except little William Powers began writing immediately.

William sat idle, twiddling his fingers and watching the flies on the ceiling.

Teacher collected the papers, and William handed in a blank sheet.

"How is this, William?" asked teacher. "Is this your essay? Every other pupil has written two sheets or more, while you have done nothing!"

"Well," replied William, "that's what I would do if I were a millionaire!"

"WILLIE," asked a New York teacher of one of her pupils, "how many make a million?"

"Not many," said Willie with a grin.

MINISTERS

_See_ Clergy.

MISERS