More Toasts Part 145

"What shall we say of the former Senator?" asked one of the men.

"Oh, just put down that he was always faithful to his trust."

"And," queried a cynical member of the group, "shall we mention the name of the trust?"--_Puck_.

_See also_ Epitaphs.

OCCUPATIONS

PAPA--"But hasn't your fiance got a job?"

DAUGHTER--"Not yet, but he's going to get one at $25,000 a year."

PAPA--"Indeed! Glad to hear of it! What is he doing?"

DAUGHTER--"Well, he read in the paper of some man who is paid $50,000 a year by the Bankers' a.s.sociation not to forge checks, and George is going to do it for half that."

THE COP--"The driver of a hea.r.s.e asked me just now which was the way to the cemetery, and I told him."

THE CAPTAIN--"Don't do it again. You're being paid as a policeman, not as a funeral director."

"What are you going to make of your son Charley?" I asked.

"Well," replied Charley's father, "I made a doctor of Bob, a lawyer of Ralph, and a minister of Bert; and Joe is a literary man. I think I'll make a laboring man of Charley. I want one of them to have a little money."--_Life_.

_The Other Fellow's Job_

I seldom quarrel with the universe; Things could be better, could be better far.

But, on the other hand, they could be worse-- And so I rather leave them as they are.

But one thing though, could easily be done: If Bill could only make a trade with Bob The world would be so glad--if everyone Could only have the other fellow's job!

The other fellow surely has a snap!

If at a desk he works, he needn't roam, He needn't wander up and down the map-- He knows the joy and comfort of a home.

Or if the other fellow something sells Upon the road, a lucky man is he-- To see the country, live at good hotels, And have a job with some variety.

The other fellow!--luckiest of men!-- Here's where creation surely made a slip: The fellow on the road should push a pen, The fellow at a desk should tote a grip.

We never shall be happy, truly glad, We never shall be really comforted, Until we trade the job we've always had And get the other fellow's job instead.

I see no other way to do--unless We might do this: Forget a little while The easy jobs that other men possess, Get busy with your own, and with a smile.

For after all, they're not so different: Each has its time of laughter and of sob, But each the joy of service. Be content-- Your job's as good as any fellow's job.

MISTRESS (to butler)--"Why is it, John, every time I come home I find you sleeping?"

"Well, ma'am, it's this way: I don't like to be a-doing _nothing_."

LAZY MIKE--"I have a new position with the railroad company."

WEARY RHODES--"What ja gona do?"

LAZY MIKE--"You know the fellow that goes alongside the train and taps the axles to see if everything's all right? Well, I help him listen."

OCEAN TRAVEL

"Terribly rough, isn't it?" said the stranger on the ocean liner.

"Wal," replied the man from the farm, "'twouldn't be so rough if the cap'n would only keep in the furrows!"

The storm was increasing in violence and some of the deck fittings had already been swept overboard when the captain decided to send up a signal of distress. But hardly had the rocket burst over the s.h.i.+p when a solemn-faced pa.s.senger stepped on to the bridge. "Captain," he said, "I'd be the last man on earth to cast a damper on any man, but it seems to me that this is no time for letting off fireworks."

Pa.s.sENGER (after first night on board s.h.i.+p)--"I say, where have all my clothes vanished to?"

STEWARD--"Where did you put them last night?"

Pa.s.sENGER--"I folded them up carefully and put them in that cupboard over there."

STEWARD--"I see no cupboard, sir."

Pa.s.sENGER--"Are you blind, man? I mean that one with the round gla.s.s door to it."

STEWARD--"Lor' bless me, sir; that ain't no cupboard. That's the porthole."

OFFICE BOYS

Boss--"Can't you find something to do?"