More Toasts Part 188

"Movie theater sign:

"'Watch Your Wife'

Every Night This Week."

--_Albany Argus_.

"Sign in front of Harlem movie theater:

"'Mother, I Need You for Three Days Beginning Nov. 30'."

"Sign in front of movie house:

"'Geraldine Farrar, supported for the first time by her husband'."

--_Columbus (O.) Citizen_.

"This seems to be a very dangerous precipice," remarked the tourist.

"I wonder that they have not put up a warning-board!"

"Yes," answered the guide, "it is dangerous. They kept a warning-board up for two years, but no one fell over, so it was taken down."

Mr. Roberts, a banker in a Western town, was very bald and was in the habit of wearing his hat in the bank during business hours. Every week a negro employee of the bank presented a check and drew his wages.

One day, as he was putting the money in a worn and greasy wallet, the banker chanced to pa.s.s by, and asked, "Look here, John, why don't you let some of that money stay in the bank and keep an account with us?"

"Well, sah," replied the negro, leaning toward the banker and gazing curiously at the Panama hat he wore, "I'se always afeared. You see, sah, you look like you was always ready to start somewheres."

During revival meetings in a Western city placards giving notices of the various meetings, subjects, etc., were posted in conspicuous places. One day the following was displayed:

"Subject--'h.e.l.l: Its Location and Its Absolute Certainty.'

"Thomas Jones, barytone, will sing 'Tell Mother I'll Be There.'"

SILENCE

I think the first virtue is to restrain the tongue; he approaches nearest to the G.o.ds who knows how to be silent, even tho' he is in the right.--_Cato_.

Nothing at times is more expressive than silence.--_George Eliot_.

SIMPLIFIED SPELLING

_See_ Spelling.

SIN

NEW CURATE--"What did you think of the sermon on Sunday, Mrs. Jones?"

PARIs.h.i.+ONER--"Very good indeed, sir. So instructive. We really didn't know what sin was till you came here."

Know'st thou not all germs of evil In thy heart await their time?

Not thyself, but G.o.d's restraining, Stays their growth of crime.

--_Whittier_.

'Tis fearful building upon any sin; One mischief enter'd, brings another in: The second pulls a third, the third draws more, And they for all the rest set ope the door: Till custom take away the judging sense, That to offend we think it no offence.

--_Smith_.

_See also_ Lies.

SINGERS

A quartette is where all four think the other three can't sing.

SKEPTICS

The heavy black clouds had ma.s.sed in the east and west, the lightning was flas.h.i.+ng fiercely between the heavy incessant rolling of the thunder.

Francis was terribly frightened, and his fond mother had gathered her young hopeful and tried logically to calm his fears.

"Don't be afraid, darling. There's nothing to fear. G.o.d sends the thunderstorm to clear the air, water the flowers, and make it cooler for us. Now, don't cry, dear; it won't harm you, and everything will be better when it's over."