More Toasts Part 208

A vocation is something you do for a living, an avocation something you do for a while, a vacation something you couldn't stick at very long without being dead broke and dead tired.

JUDGE--"Six months!"

COS COB CON--"Ah, wot a relief! Now I kin stop worrying about where I'm going ter spend de summer."

VALUE

There, little dollar, don't you cry; You _may_ buy something by and by.

A Pennsylvania farmer was the owner of a good Alderney cow. A stranger, having admired the animal, asked the farmer: "What will you take for your cow?"

The farmer scratched his head for a moment, and then said: "Look a-here, be you the tax a.s.sessor or has she been killed by the railroad?"

CALLER--"It's a good thing to teach your boy the value of money, as you are doing."

HOST--"Well, I don't know. He used to behave for ten cents, but now he demands a quarter."

FOOTPAD--"Your money or your life!"

MRS. TIGHTLY--"That's reasonable enough, Jake! You've got only 50 cents."

VANITY

Little Beryl, aged ten, was a very pretty and intelligent girl, but she had one fault--she was inclined to be vain. At every available opportunity she gazed at herself complacently in the looking-gla.s.s.

Her fond papa noticed that the habit was growing upon her and took upon himself the duty of correcting it.

"Why do you always look in the gla.s.s?" he asked.

"I was just thinking how nice I looked," answered Beryl.

"You mustn't be so vain, child. Remember we are all as nature made us."

"Did nature make you, papa?"

"Yes."

"Then," said Beryl, looking at him and then at her reflection in the mirror, "don't you think nature is turning out better work than she used to?"

VEGETARIANS

"Ever bothered with tramps out your way?"

"No; I have a sign on the gate reading: 'We are vegetarians, but our dog isn't.'"

Ordering a copy of Tennyson's poems, a customer wrote to an English bookseller, "Please do not send me one bound in calf, as I am a vegetarian."

Mother gave the children an apple each. In little Marion's there was a worm hole that obviously had a tenant. "You take this one, Tommy," she said; "I'se a vegetarian."

VENTILATION

American people have a very high appreciation of the humor of Englishmen, and have been specially tickled by a story Colonel Cody used to tell. He said that some years ago an Englishman who had never been in the West before was his guest. They were riding through a Rocky-Mountain canon one day, when suddenly a tremendous gust of wind came swooping down upon them and actually carried the Englishman clean off the wagon-seat. After he had been picked up, he combed the sand and gravel out of his whiskers and said:

"I say! I think you overdo ventilation in this country!"

The street-car conductor examined the transfer thoughtfully and said meekly, "This here transfer expired an hour ago, lady." The lady, digging into her purse after a coin, replied, "No wonder, with not a single ventilator open in the whole car!"

VOICE

Speech was given to man to disguise his thoughts.--_Talleyrand_.

VOTING

PAT--"Sure, I voted th' Raypublican ticket!"

MIKE--"Would ye trust such a party as thot?"

PAT--"They didn't ask me to--they paid me cash."