More Toasts Part 210

BENNETT--"My, Storer must be rich."

JONES--"How so?"

BENNETT--"He was cleaning his mother's windows with gold dust in the water."

WEATHER

A Salina man tells this as happening to him. Early in the morning one winter's day, came a wire from a friend in Chicago: "How's the weather today out there?"

"The sun is s.h.i.+ning," the Salina man wired.

An hour later friend wired again: "Could not interpret message. Did you say sun was or was not s.h.i.+ning?"

And the Salina man, looking out of the window, sent this: "Snowing to beat the band now."

And came another wire in mid-afternoon: "How much snow there now?"

To which the Salina man replied: "Bright sun out, has melted all the snow away again."

_Indian Summer_

November days are here again With chilly eve and morn-- Dame Nature's voice in warning raised That Winter's blasts are born.

But ere the snow its cov'ring spreads And Earth to sleep beguiles, Old Summer lifts her sun-lit face, Looks back at us and smiles.

One broiling August day an aged "cullud gemman," who was pus.h.i.+ng a barrow of bricks, paused to dash the sweat from his dusky brow; then, shaking his fist at the sun, he apostrophized it thus:

"Fo' the Lawd's sake, war wuz yuh last Janooary?"

"Have you been touching the barometer, Jane?"

"Yes'm. It's my night out, so I set it for 'fine'."

What is it moulds the life of man?

The Weather!

What makes some black and others tan?

The Weather!

What makes the Zulu live in trees, And Congo natives dress in leaves, While others go in fur and freeze?

The Weather!

What makes the summer warm and fair?

The Weather!

What causes winter underwear?

The Weather!

What makes us rush and build a fire, And s.h.i.+ver near the glowing pyre-- And then on other days perspire?

The Weather!

What makes the Cost of Living high?

The Weather!

What makes the Libyan Desert dry?

The Weather!

What is it men in ev'ry clime, Will talk about till end of time?

What drove our honest pen to rhyme?

The Weather!

Kansas--When the sun sets in the West at night the wind will blow for three days.

I remember, I remember, Ere my childhood flitted by, It was cold then in December, And was warmer in July.

In the winter there were freezings-- In the summer there were thaws; But the weather isn't now at all Like what it used to was!

WEDDINGS

Gr-rr-r-h! The train drew up with a mighty crash and shock between stations.

"Is it an accident? What happened?" inquired a worried-looking individual of the conductor.

"Some one pulled the bell-cord!" shouted the conductor. "The express knocked our last car off the track! Take us four hours before the track is clear!"

"Great Scott! Four hours! I am supposed to be married to-day!" groaned the pa.s.senger.

The conductor, a bigoted bachelor, raised his eyebrows suspiciously.

"Look here!" he demanded. "I suppose you ain't the chap that pulled the cord?"

Tony, the office-janitor, had been working faithfully at his job for several years, when he surprised his employer one day by asking for a vacation.

"We can't get along very well without you," said the boss. "You don't need a vacation. You'll only blow in your money and come back broke."

"I like to have vacation," persisted Tony. "I get married, and I kinda like to be there."