More Toasts Part 212

The day was drawing to a close. Judge, jurors, witnesses, and lawyers all were growing weary. Counsel for the prosecution was cross-examining the defendant.

"Exactly how far is it between the two towns?" he asked at length.

For some time Paddy stood thinking, then, "About four miles as the cry flows," came the answer.

"You mean 'as the flow cries!'" corrected the man of law.

The judge leaned forward. "No," he remarked suavely, "he means 'as the fly crows.'"

And they all looked at one another, feeling that something was wrong somewhere.

A lawyer was examining a Scottish farmer. "You'll affirm that when this happened you were going home to a meal. Let us be quite certain on this point, because it is a very important one. Be good enough to tell me, sir, with as little prevarication as possible, what meal it was you were going home to."

"You would like to know what meal it was?" said the Scotsman.

"Yes, sir; I should like to know," replied the counsel, sternly and impressively. "Be sure you tell the truth."

"Well, then, it was just oatmeal."

A boy of eight entered the witness-box in tremendous boots, long trousers rolled up so that the baggy knees were at the ankles, and a swallow-tail coat that swept the floor.

"Why are you dressed like that?" asked the judge, both amazed and amused.

The boy took from his pocket the summons and pointed solemnly to the words: "To appear in his father's suit."

The prosecuting attorney had encountered a somewhat difficult witness.

Finally he asked the man if he was acquainted with any of the men on the jury.

"Yes, sir," announced the witness, "more than half of them."

"Are you willing to swear that you know more than half of them?"

demanded the lawyer.

"Why, if it comes to that, I'm willing to swear that I know more than all of them put together."

"Do you understand what you are to swear to?" asked the court as a not over-intelligent looking negro took the witness stand.

"Yes, sah, Ah does. Ah'm to sweah to tell de truf."

"Yes," said the Judge; "and what will happen if you do not tell the truth?"

"Well, sah," was the hesitating answer, "Ah expects ouah side'll win de case, sah."

PRISON VISITOR--"What terrible crime has this man committed?"

JAILER--"He has done nothing. He merely happened to be pa.s.sing when Tough Jim tried to kill a man, and he is held as a witness."

"Where is Tough Jim?"

"He is out on bail."

WIVES

"Are you the captain of your soul?"

"Sort of a second lieutenant," ventured Mr. Henpeck dubiously.

"Come, come," said Tom's father, "at your time of life, There's no longer excuse for thus playing the rake.

It is time you should think, boy, of taking a wife."

"Why, so it is, father,--whose wife shall I take?"

--_Thomas Moore_.

The younger man had been complaining that he could not get his wife to mend his clothes.

"I asked her to sew a b.u.t.ton on this vest last night and she hasn't touched it," he said. At this the older man a.s.sumed the air of a patriarch.

"Never ask a woman to mend anything," he said. "You haven't been married very long and I think I can give you some serviceable suggestions. When I want a s.h.i.+rt mended I take it to my wife and flourish it around a little and say, 'Where's that rag-bag?'

"'What do you want of the rag-bag?' asks the wife. Her suspicions are aroused at once.

"'I want to throw this s.h.i.+rt away. It's worn out,' I say, with a few more flourishes.

"'Let me see that s.h.i.+rt,' my wife says, then, 'Now, John, hand it to me at once.'

"Of course, I pa.s.s it over and she examines it.

"'Why, it only needs--'; and then she mends it."

"Why are you so pensive?" he asked.

"I'm not pensive," she replied.

"But you haven't said a word for twenty minutes."

"Well, I didn't have anything to say."