More Toasts Part 32

CHILD LABOR

SOUTHERNER--"Why are you Northerners always harping on the children employed in Southern factories?"

NORTHERNER--"Well, for one thing, it detracts people's attention from the children employed in ours."--Life.

CHILDREN

JOHNNY--"What makes the new baby at your house cry so much, Tommy?"

TOMMY--"It don't cry so very much--and, anyway, if all your teeth were out, your hair off, and your legs so weak you couldn't stand on them, guess you'd feel like crying yourself."

A little girl was entertaining the visitors while her mother added the finis.h.i.+ng touches to her toilet. One of the ladies said with a significant look: "Not very p-r-e-t-t-y," spelling the last word.

"No," said the child quickly; "but awful s-m-a-r-t."

It was time for "baby girl" to be in bed, but no amount of coaxing could get her there. At last her father offered to lie on the bed till the "sandman" arrived. Off she went "pick-a-back," and the tired mother leaned back in her chair with a sigh of content, ready for a hard-earned rest.

Ten minutes--twenty--half an hour, and she was wondering when her husband would be down, when all at once she heard a soft, stealthy pit-a-pat. Nearer came the steps, and then a little white-robed form, with a tiny finger on her lip, stood in the doorway.

"Hush, hush, muvver," she said. "I'se got farver to sleep."

_Taking a Chance_

Junior was in the habit of coming to the table with a dirty face and, of course, had to be sent away to wash.

One time his mother, nearly losing patience, said: "Junior, why do you persist in coming to the table without was.h.i.+ng? You know I always send you away."

"Well," said Junior, meekly, "once you forgot."

TOMMY (after a thumping)--"You're awful hard on me, ma."

MOTHER--"That's because you've been very naughty and wicked."

TOMMY--"Well, gee! You should remember that you didn't die young yourself."

"Can your little baby brother talk yet?" a kindly neighbor inquired of a small lad.

"No, he can't talk, and there ain't no reason why he should talk," was the disgusted reply. "What does he want to talk for when all he has to do is yell a while to get everything in the house that's worth having?"

Mrs. Jones was getting dinner ready when in came little Fred with a happy smile on his face.

"What has mamma's darling been doing this morning?" asked his mother.

"I have been playing Postman," replied little Fred.

"Postman?" exclaimed his mother. "How could you do that when you had no letters?"

"Oh, but I had," replied Fred. "I was looking in your trunk up in your room and I found a packet of letters tied 'round with a ribbon, and I posted one under every door in the street."

A little girl who had visited an Episcopalian church for the first time described the service as follows:

"When we went in they were standing up, singing, but pretty soon they sat down and played hide-and-seek."

"Did what?" asked her mother.

"Well, of course no one went and hid, but they all covered up their faces and counted to themselves."

_Training the Other Woman's Child_

They all sat round in friendly chat Discussing mostly this and that, And a hat.

Until a neighbor's wayward lad Was seen to act in ways quite bad; Oh, 'twas sad!

One thought she knew what must be done With every child beneath the sun-- She had none.

And ere her yarn had been quite spun Another's theories were begun-- She had one.

The third was not so sure she knew, But thus and so she thought she'd do-- She had two.

The next one added, "Let me see; These things work out so differently."

She had three.

The fifth drew on her wisdom store And said, "I'd have to think it o'er."

She had four.

And then one sighed, "I don't contrive Fixt rules for boys, they're too alive."

She had five.

"I know it leaves one in a fix, This straightening of crooked sticks."

She had six.

And one declared, "There's no rule giv'n, But do your best and trust to heav'n!"