More Toasts Part 39

"h.e.l.lo Millett," called out a neighbor one morning "I saw you starting away yesterday morning very early on your fis.h.i.+ng trip. Did you have any luck?"

"Great!" was the reply. "While I was away three collectors called."

"I wish to see Mr. Jones about a bill."

"He's away on vacation, sir."

"Did he leave any address?"

"Yes, sir. For bill collectors it's 'Somewhere in America.'"

MERCHANT: "They say you are very successful with old bills and seldom have to dun them twice. What's the secret?"

BAD-BILL COLLECTOR: "I am afflicted with insomnia and do my collecting nights."

A Texas tradesman has this pertinent sign in a conspicuous place in his store:

Man is made of dust.

Dust Settles.

Be a Man!

"Norah," said Mrs. Dedbeat, from the top of the stairs, "tell that man who is ringing the doorbell that I am not receiving today!"

The servant girl went to the door and said something to the man; then she stepped into the hall and called upstairs:

"I told him you were not receivin' today, ma'am! But he says he ain't deliverin', he's collectin'!"

He was running a small provision-store in a newly developed district, and the big wholesale dealers found him very backward in payment of his accounts.

They sent him letter after letter, each more politely threatening than the last. Finally they sent their representative down to give him a sporting chance.

"Now," said the caller, "we must have a settlement. Why haven't you sent us anything? Are things going badly?"

"No. Everything's going splendidly. You needn't worry. My bankers will guarantee me all right."

"Then why haven't you paid up?"

"Well, you see, those threatening letters of yours were so well done that I've been copying them and sending them round to a few customers of my own who won't pay up, and I've collected nearly all outstanding debts. I was only holding back because I felt sure there must be a final letter, and I wanted to get the series complete."

_Probably Meant Florida_

"So the doctor told you to go to a warmer climate. What was the nature of the trouble you consulted him about?"

"I went there to collect a bill."

"Why don't you pay your bills?" angrily demanded the collector, after his tenth fruitless call.

"What?" exclaimed Mr. Dedbete. "Do you imagine I could be so hard-hearted as to deprive you poor fellows of your employment?"

ARTIST--"I'm awfully sorry I can't pay you this month."

LANDLORD--"But that's what you said last month."

ARTIST--"You see I keep my word; you can have confidence in me."

_See also_ Bills; Debts.

COLLECTION BOX

_See_ Contribution box.

COLLEGE GRADUATES

"There's a college graduate at the door. He wants a job."

"What can he do?" asked the self-made man.

"He says he's pretty good in Greek."

"Umph! Tell him I haven't sold $1 worth of goods to Greece since I've been in the export business."

COLLEGE STUDENTS

"I am delighted to meet you," said the father of the college student, shaking hands warmly with the professor. "My son took algebra from you last year, you know."