More Toasts Part 44

"Get me some dependents," was the instantaneous reply.

The called-up one volubly explained that there was no need in his case for a medical examination.

"I'm fit and I want to fight. I want to go over on the first boat.

I want to go right into the front trenches, but I want to have a hospital close, so that if I get hit no time will be wasted in taking me where I can get mended right away, so that I can get back to fighting without losing a minute. Pa.s.s me in, doctor. Don't waste any time on me. I want to fight, and keep fighting!"

The doctor, however, insisted, and, when he got through, reported a perfect physical specimen.

"You don't find nothing wrong with me, doctor?"

"Nothing."

"But, doctor, don't you think I'm a bit crazy?"

_See also_ Judgment.

CONSERVATIVES

_See_ Radicals.

CONSOLATION

FIRST WALL STREET BROKER--"Anything to do today?"

SECOND WALL STREET BROKER--"Certainly not."

"Come to a funeral with me. It will cheer you up a bit."--_Life_.

CONTENTMENT

Contentment is merely the knack of not wanting the things we know we can't have.

Contentment consisteth not in adding more fuel, but in taking away some fire.--_Fuller_.

Contentment travels rarely with fortune; but follows virtue even in misfortune.--_Leszczinski_.

To be content with what we possess is the greatest and most secure of riches.--_Cicero_.

CONTRIBUTION BOX

"I can na' get ower it," a Scottish farmer remarked to his wife. "I put a twa-s.h.i.+llin' piece in the plate at the kirk this morning instead o' ma usual penny."

The beadle had noticed the mistake, and in silence he allowed the farmer to miss the plate for twenty-three consecutive Sundays.

On the twenty-fourth Sunday the farmer again ignored the plate, but the old beadle stretched the ladle in front of him and, in a loud, tragic whisper, hoa.r.s.ely said:

"Your time's up noo, Sandy."

An old colored minister announced that he had invented an automatic collection basket, which would be pa.s.sed around by the deacons of his church. "It is so arranged, my brethren," said he, "dat if you drop in a quatah or half dollah it falls noiselessly on a red plush cus.h.i.+on; if you drop a nickel it will ring a bell dat can be distinctly heard by de entiah congregation; but if you let fall a suspender b.u.t.ton, my brethren, it will fiah off a pistol."

"Father," said the minister's son, "my teacher says that 'collect' and 'congregate' mean the same thing. Do they?"

"Perhaps they do, my son," said the venerable clergyman; "but you may tell your teacher that there is a vast difference between a congregation and a collection."

"My sermon on thrift made a tremendous impression on the congregation."

"How do you know?"

"I could tell when I counted the collection."

"Rastus, how is it you have given up going to church?" asked Pastor Brown.

"Well, sah," replied Rastus. "it's dis way. I likes to take an active part, an' I used to pa.s.s de collection-basket, but dey's give de job to Brothah Green, who jest returned from ovah thai-ah."

"In recognition of his heroic service, I suppose?"

"No, sah. I reckon he got dat job in reco'nition o' his having lost one o' his hands."

BESS--"Somebody pa.s.sed a counterfeit dime on Bob a year ago, and he hasn't been able to get rid of it since."

MAIDEN AUNT (horrified)--"What! Does that young man never go to church, then?"