More Toasts Part 68

"Sambo, I don't understand how you can do all your work so quickly, and so well."

"I'll tell yuh how 'tis, boss. I sticks de match ob enthusiasm to de fuse ob yenergy--and jes natchurally explodes, I does."

"Don't be so long-winded in your reports as you have been in the past," said the manager of the "Wild West" railway to his overseer.

"Just report the condition of the track as ye find it, and don't put in a lot of needless words that ain't to the point. Write a business letter, not a love-letter."

A few days later the railway line was badly flooded, and the overseer wrote his report to the manager in one line: "Sir--Where the railway was the river is.--Yours faithfully,----."

In Montana a railway-bridge had been destroyed by fire, and it was necessary to replace it. The bridge-engineer and his staff were ordered in haste to the place. Two days later came the superintendent of the division. Alighting from his private car, he encountered the old master bridge-builder.

"Bill," said the superintendent--and the words quivered with energy--"I want this job rushed. Every hour's delay costs the company money. Have you got the engineer's plans for the new bridge?"

"I don't know," said the bridge-builder, "whether the engineer has the picture drawed yet or not, but the bridge is up and the trains is pa.s.sin' over it."--_Harper's_.

"Better consider my course in efficiency training. I can show you how to earn more money than you are getting."

"I do that now."

The boy was very small and the load he was pus.h.i.+ng in the wheelbarrow was very, very big.

A benevolent old gentleman, putting down his bundles, lent him a helping hand.

"Really, my boy," he puffed, "I don't see how you manage to get that barrow up the gutters alone."

"I don't," replied the appreciative kid. "Dere's always some jay a-standin' round as takes it up for me."--_Puck_.

MRS. CASEY--"Me sister writes me that every bottle in that box we sent her was broken. Are you sure yez printed 'This side up, with care' on it!"

CASEY--"Oi am. An' for fear they shouldn't see it on the top, Oi printed it on the bottom, as well."

COW--"Can you beat it? There's so much system around here now that they file me in the barn under the letter C."

HEN--"Yes, I have my troubles with efficiency too. They've put a rubber stamp in my nest so I can date my eggs two weeks ahead."

EGOTISM

SMITH--"You seldom see such beautiful golf as that man plays. His drives were corking, his approaches superb and he never missed a putt."

JONES--"How much were you beaten by?"

SMITH--"Why, I won!"

_"I" and "Myself" and "Me"_

When on myself I sometimes turn My gaze, with introspection stern, Three persons there I seem to see, "I" and "Myself," they are, and "Me."

"I" stands alone with confidence, Pugnacious, quick to take offense, a.s.sertive, masterful and strong, Forever right and _never_ wrong, As Lewis Carroll once avowed, "I" is extremely "stiff and proud."

"Myself" is rather different, A chap who is less confident, Yet full conceited--selfish, too, And steeped in ego, through and through.

Though others oft "Myself" decry, He's very, very dear to "I."

Unlike the other two is "Me"; A timid little fellow, he; Self-conscious, given oft to erring, My scorn and pity both incurring.

Still, though he's shy as he can be, While few like "I," a lot like "Me."

--_Eliot Harlow Robinson_.

Many a man thinks he is anxious to please others, when the truth is that he is only anxious that others be pleased with what he does.

_I And Me_

I wonder just what kind of guy Am I?

I guess it's time I took A look inside of me To see-- But, gee, I cuss I'm envious of what the other fellow's got, I loaf a lot, And foolish pleasures often buy-- That is the kind of sham I am.

When things go wrong I growl along And take it out On some good scout Who's not to blame, Whatever came-- In fact The luck I lacked (Or luck I had, If mine was bad) Was mostly my Own fault. Why.

I Am not a very pleasant guy, The poorest on the human shelf-- And, now that I Size up myself, Whatever other folks may see, I do not make a hit with Me.

--_Douglas Malloch_.

EINSTEIN

"Max has sent me an interesting book, 'Relativity,' by Einstein. Have you read it?"

"No. I am waiting for it to be filmed."

EMBARRa.s.sING SITUATIONS

The wife of a Dorchester man who had the traditional failing--he forgot to mail letters--has cured him. The mail is delivered at their home before the breakfast hour--which is comparatively late. One morning she said to her husband:

"Did you have any mail this morning, dear?"