More Toasts Part 83

A small hand, gesticulating violently, shot up into the air, and a shrill voice called out. "I know; I can tell, teacher!"

"Well, Bobby," said the teacher, "you may tell us what an oyster is."

"An oyster," triumphantly answered Bobby, "is a fish built like a nut!"

"Dinah, did you wash the fish before you baked it?"

"Law, ma'am, what's de use ob was.h.i.+n' er fish what's lived all his life in de water?"

"Ma'am, here's a man at the door with a parcel for you."

"What is it, Bridget?"

"It's a fish, ma'am, and it's marked C.O.D."

"Then make the man take it back to the dealer. I ordered trout."

FISHERMEN

"I say, Gadsby," said Mr. Smith, as he entered a fishmonger's with a lot of tackle in his hand, "I want you to give me some fish to take home with me. Put them up to look as if they'd been caught today, will you?"

"Certainly, sir. How many?"

"Oh, you'd better give me three or four--mackerel. Make it look decent in quant.i.ty without appearing to exaggerate, you know."

"Yes, sir. You'd better take salmon, tho."

"Why? What makes you think so?"

"Oh, nothing, except that your wife was here early this morning and said if you dropped in with your fis.h.i.+ng-tackle I was to persuade you to take salmon, if possible, as she liked that kind better than any other."

BELLEVILLE--"Is Glenshaw getting ready for the fis.h.i.+ng season?"

BUTLER--"Well, I saw him buying an enlarging device for his camera."

A returned vacationist tells us that he was fis.h.i.+ng in a pond one day when a country boy who had been watching him from a distance approached him and asked. "How many fish yer got, mister?"

"None yet," he was told.

"Well, yer ain't doin' so bad," said the youngster. "I know a feller what fished here for two weeks an' he didn't get any more than you got in half an hour."

Jock MacTavish and two English friends went out on the loch on a fis.h.i.+ng-trip, and it was agreed that the first man to catch a fish should later stand treat at the inn. As MacTavish was known to be the best fisherman thereabouts, his friends took considerable delight in a.s.suring him that he had as good as lost already.

"An', d'ye ken," said Jock, in speaking of it afterward, "baith o'

them had a guid bite, an' wis sae mean they wadna' pu in."

"Then you lost?" asked the listener.

"Oh, no. I didna' pit ony bait on my hook."

FIs.h.i.+NG

UNLUCKY FISHERMAN--"Boy, will you sell that big string of fish you are carrying?"

BOY--"No, but I'll take yer pitcher holdin' it fer fifty cents."--_Judge_.

Two small boys went fis.h.i.+ng and while one of them was having good luck, the other didn't even get a bite. The unlucky lad silently began to make preparation for departure. "Aw, wait a while," urged the other. "You might be lucky if you keep at it."

"There ain't no use," was the disgusted reply, "my darned worm ain't tryin'."

"Some men," said Uncle Eben, "goes fis.h.i.+n' not so much foh de sake of de fish as foh de chance to loaf without bein' noticed."

FLATTERY

The man who is not injured by flattery is as hard to find as the one who is improved by criticism.

Flattery is a sort of moral peroxide--it turns many a woman's head.

"Oi hate flattery," said O'Brien the other day. "Flattery makes ye think ye are betther than ye are, an' no man livin' can iver be that."

THE CONVERSATIONALIST (to well-known author)--"I'm so delighted to meet you! It was only the other day I saw something of yours, about something or other, in some magazine."

WILBUR (indicating a couple in the background)--"Funny that such a stunning-looking woman should marry such a dub as that."

FLATTE--"Well, I don't know. No accounting for those things. Now, you take your wife--she's a ripper."--_Life_.