More Toasts Part 98

HOME

The beauty of the house is order; the blessing of the house is contentment; the glory of the house is hospitality; the crown of the house is G.o.dliness.

Home--The place where we are treated best and grumble most.

Home--A world of strife shut out, and a world of love within.

It is said that home is the place where a man hangs his hat, but with a woman it is different. There is a rocker with a worn cus.h.i.+on, a clock that doesn't keep time, a quilt that is worn, a strip of carpet that is faded, a few old family pictures, an old-fas.h.i.+oned vase, a meat platter, a cup and a few plates that do not match and are chipped around the edges. These, and a few more, known in feminine language as "her own things," are needed, in the final reckoning, to make a place a home for a woman.

"Some day you'll be rich enough to retire from business."

"Give up my nice, pleasant office and stay home?" rejoined Mr.

Growcher. "I should say not."

HOME BREW

TIPS--"Why not try a home-brew receipt?"

TAPS--"It's this way. If I meet a friend under the influence of the forbidden, I'm afraid he isn't able to give the receipt correctly, and when I meet a man who has had a few drinks and doesn't feel any happier, I'll be darned if I want the receipt."

LADY--"You say your father was injured in an explosion? How did it happen?"

CHILD--"Well, mother says it was too much yeast, but father says it was too little sugar."

Country people call them cellars; city people call them bas.e.m.e.nts, and some people should call them breweries.

"Did you ever hear about that home brew blowing up?"

"Yes," replied Uncle Bill Bottletop. "If the appropriations for prohibition enforcement don't hold up, maybe we can curb the liquor evil by bringin' it under the regulations provided for handling high explosives."

A Detroit firm advertises "The ideal still survives." A good many people interested suddenly in the raisin crop, who have been trying to construct home-made stills, will be hard to convince that any still survives--much less an ideal one.

HOMELINESS

_See_ Beauty, Personal.

HOMESICK

"You ought to be contented and not fret for your old home," said the mistress as she looked into the dim eyes of her young Swedish maid.

"You are earning good wages, your work is light, every one is kind to you, and you have plenty of friends here."

"Yas'm," said the girl, "but it is not the place where I do be that makes me vera homesick; it is the place where I don't be."

HONESTY

"No," said the old man, sternly. "I will not do it. Never have I sold anything by false representation, and I will not begin now."

For a moment he was silent, and the clerk who stood before him could see that the better nature of his employer was fighting strongly for the right.

"No," said the old man, again. "I will not do it. It is an inferior grade of shoe, and I will never pa.s.s it off as anything better. Mark it, 'A Shoe Fit for a Queen,' and put it in the window. A queen does not have to do much walking."

George, the elderly waiter, entered the office of the famous solicitor who usually lunched at his table in a certain restaurant and asked to see the chief.

"Well, George," asked the man of law, when the waiter was shown in, "what can I do for you? In trouble?"

"No, sir, not exactly that; but I've got a chance of a good job at the Hotel Splendide, and I was wondering if you'd be so kind as to write me a testimonial, saying I'm a good waiter, and honest, and so forth, sir?"

"Well, George, of course I know you're a good waiter, but I don't know anything else about you. How do I know, for example, that you're honest?"

"Oh, well, I am, sir! You'll be quite safe in saying that."

"Very good. I'll write it, then."

"Thank you very much indeed, sir! And if at any time you come to the Splendide and want a good lunch or dinner, be sure to come to my tables, and I'll make you out a bill at half-price."

Aye, sir: to be honest, as this world goes, is to be one man pick'd out of two thousand.--_Shakespeare_.

Two piles of apples lay on the ground. One contained a large-sized and rosy selection; the fruit of the other was green and small.

"Large on the top, sir, and small at the bottom?" inquired the new a.s.sistant of his master, as he prepared to fill a barrel.