Plays Part 35

(Two girls, convulsed with the giggles, come tumbling in.)

DORIS: (confused) Oh-oh, excuse us.

FUSSIE: (foolishly) We didn't know anybody was here.

(MR FEJEVARY looks at them sternly. The girls retreat.)

SENATOR: (laughing) Oh, well girls will be girls. I've got three of my own.

(HORACE comes back, carrying an open book.)

HORACE: Say, this must be a misprint.

FEJEVARY: (glancing at the back of the book) Oh, I think not.

HORACE: From his first inaugural address to Congress, March 4, 1861. (reads) 'This country with its inst.i.tutions belong to the people who inhabit it.' Well, that's all right. 'Whenever they shall grow weary of the existing government they can exercise their const.i.tutional right of amending it'-(after a brief consideration) I suppose that that's all right-but listen! 'or their revolutionary right to dismember or overthrow it.'

FEJEVARY: He was speaking in another age. An age of different values.

SENATOR: Terms change their significance from generation to generation.

HORACE: I suppose they do-but that puts me in bad with these lice. They quoted this and I said they were liars.

SENATOR: And what's the idea? They're weary of our existing government and are about to dismember or overthrow it?

HORACE: I guess that's the dope.

FEJEVARY: Look here, Horace-speak accurately. Was it in relation to America they quoted this?

HORACE: Well, maybe they were talking about India then. But they were standing up for being revolutionists. We were giving them an earful about it, and then they spring Lincoln on us. Got their nerve-I'll say-quoting Lincoln to us.

SENATOR: The fact that they are quoting it shows it's being misapplied.

HORACE: (approvingly) I'll tell them that. But gee-Lincoln oughta been more careful what he said. Ignorant people don't know how to take such things.

(Goes back with book.)

FEJEVARY: Want to take a look through the rest of the library? We haven't been up this way yet-(motioning left) We need a better scientific library. (they are leaving now) Oh, we simply must have more money. The whole thing is fairly bursting its sh.e.l.l.

DORIS: (venturing in cautiously from the other side, looking back, beckoning) They've gone.

FUSSIE: Sure?

DORIS: Well, are they here? And I saw them, I tell you-they went up to science.

FUSSIE: (moving the SENATOR'S hat on the table) But they'll come back.

DORIS: What if they do? We're only looking at a book. (running her hand along the books) Matthew Arnold.

(Takes a paper from FUSSIE, puts it in the book. They are bent with giggling as HORACE returns.)

HORACE: For the love o' Pete, what's the joke? (taking the book from the helpless girl) Matthew Arnold. My idea of nowhere to go for a laugh. When I wrote my theme on him last week he was so dry I had to go out and get a Morton Sundee (the girls are freshly attacked, though all of this in a subdued way, mindful of others in the library) Say, how'd you get that way?

DORIS: Now, Horace, don't you tell.

HORACE: What'd I tell, except-(seeing the paper) Um hum-what's this?

DORIS: (trying to get it from him) Horace, now don't you (a tussle) You great strong mean thing! Fussie! Make him stop.

(She gets the paper by tearing it.)

HORACE: My dad's around here-showing the college off to a politician. If you don't come across with that sheet of mystery, I'll back you both out there (starts to do it) and-

DORIS: Horace! You're just horrid.

HORACE: Sure I'm horrid. That's the way I want to be. (takes the paper, reads)

'To Eben You are the idol of my dreams I wors.h.i.+p from afar.'

What is this?

FUSSIE: Now, listen, Horace, and don't you tell. You know Eben Weeks. He's the homeliest man in school. Wouldn't you say so?

HORACE: Awful jay. Like to get some of the jays out of here.

DORIS: But listen. Of course, no girl would look at him. So we've thought up the most killing joke, (stopped by giggles from herself and FUSSIE) Now, he hasn't handed in his Matthew Arnold dope. I heard old Mac hold him up for it-and what'd you think he said? That he'd been ploughing. Said he was trying to run a farm and go to college at the same time! Isn't it a scream?

HORACE: We oughta-make it more unpleasant for some of those jays. Gives the school a bad name.

FUSSIE: But, listen, Horace, honest-you'll just die. He said he was going to get the book this afternoon. Now you know what he looks like, but he turns to-(both girls are convulsed)

DORIS: It'll get him all fussed up! And for nothing at all!

HORACE: Too bad that cla.s.s of people come here. I think I'll go to Harvard next year. Haven't broken it to my parents-but I've about made up my mind.

DORIS: Don't you think Morton's a good school, Horace?

HORACE: Morton's all right. Fine for the-(kindly) people who would naturally come here. But one gets an acquaintance at Harvard. Wher'd'y' want these pa.s.sionate lines?

(FUSSIE and DORIS are off again convulsed.)

HORACE: (eye falling on the page where he opens the book) Say, old Bones could spill the English-what? Listen to this flyer. 'For when we say that culture is to know the best that has been thought and said in the world, we simply imply that for culture a system directly tending to that end is necessary in our reading.' (he reads it with mock solemnity, delighting FUSSIE and DORIS) The best that has been thought and said in the world!'

(MADELINE MORTON comes in from right; she carries a tennis racket.)

MADELINE: (both critical and good-humoured) You haven't made a large contribution to that, have you, Horace?

HORACE: Madeline, you don't want to let this sarcastic habit grow on you.

MADELINE: Thanks for the tip.