The Book of Anecdotes and Budget of Fun Part 12
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_Counsel_: You said, just now, sixteen feet.--_Witness_: Sixteen _feet_!
Did I say sixteen _feet_?
_Counsel_: You did.--_Witness_: _If I did say sixteen feet, it was sixteen feet!_--you don't catch me crossing myself!
THE CAPE COD YANKEE.
A YANKEE visiting Boston, introduced himself, as follows:
"My name is Ichabod Eli Erastus Pickrel; I used to keep a grocery store deown Cape Cod. Patience Doolittle, she kept a notion store, right over opposite. One day, Patience come into my store arter a pitcher of la.s.ses, for home consumption, (ye see, I'd had a kind of a sneaking notion arter Patience, for some time,) so, ses I, 'Patience, heow would you like to be made Mrs. Pickrel?' Upon that, she kerflounced herself rite deown on a bag of salt, in a sort of kniption fitt. I seased the pitcher, forgetting what was in it, and soused the mola.s.ses all over her, and there she sat, looking like Mount Vesuvius, with the lava running deown its sides; ye see, she was kivered with love, transport, and mola.s.ses. She was a master large gal, of her bigness, she weighed three hundred averdupoise, and _a breakfast over_. She could throw eanermost any feller in our neighborhood, at _Indian hugs_. Arter awhile, she k.u.m tu, and I imprinted a kiss right on her bussers, that is, as near as I could for the mola.s.ses, and twan't more than a spell and a half, before _we caught a couple of little Pickrels_. The whooping cough collered one of them, and _snaked him rite eout of town_. The other one had a fight with the measles, and got licked. Mrs. Pickrel took to having the typhus fever for a living, and twan't more than a half a spell, before she busted up, and left me a disconsolate wider-er-er. If you know of any putty gals that is in the market, just tell them that I'm thar myself."
JOSEPH AND POTIPHAR'S WIFE.
A DUTCH boy, being asked why Joseph would not sleep with Potiphar's wife, replied, after considerable hesitation, "_I schpose he vash not schleepy_."
SHE DIDN'T TAKE ANY.
A LITTLE girl, after returning from church, where she saw a collection taken up for the first time, related what took place, and, among other things, she said, with all her childish innocence, "That a man pa.s.sed round a plate that had some money on it, _but she didn't take any_."
A LADY walking with her husband on the beach, inquired of him, the difference between exportation and transportation. "Why, my dear,"
replied he, "if you were on board yonder vessel, you would be _exported_, and I should be _transported_."
EVERY animal has its enemies; the land tortoise has two enemies--man and the boa constrictor. Man takes him home and roasts him; and the boa constrictor swallows him whole, sh.e.l.l and all, and consumes him slowly in the interior, _as the Court of Chancery does a great estate_.--_Sydney Smith._
FIRST cla.s.s in astronomy, stand up. "Where does the sun rise?" "Please, sir, down in our meadow; I seed it yesterday!" "Hold your tongue, you dunce; where does the sun rise?" "I know--in the east!" "Right, and why does it rise in the east?" "Because the _'east_ makes _everything_ rise." "Out, you b.o.o.by!"
MRS. PARTINGTON lately remarked to a legal friend: "If I owes a man a debt, and makes him the lawless tenant of a blank bill, and he infuses to incept it, but swears out an execration and levels it upon my body, if I wouldn't make a pollywog of him drown me in the Nuxwine sea."
TO THOSE ABOUT TO GO TO LAW.
TO him that goes to law, nine things are requisite:--1st, a good deal of money; 2nd, a good deal of patience; 3rd, a good cause; 4th, a good attorney; 5th, a good counsel; 6th, good evidence; 7th, a good jury; 8th, a good judge; 9th, good luck. Even with all these, a wise man should hesitate before going to law.
THE Rev. Sydney Smith, preaching a charity sermon, frequently repeated the a.s.sertion that, of all nations, Englishmen were the most distinguished for generosity and the love of their species. The collection happened to be inferior to his expectations, and he said that he had evidently made a great mistake, for that his expression should have been, that they were distinguished for the love of their _specie_.
WHICH travels at the greater speed, heat or cold? Heat: because you can easily catch cold.
TOM BROWN says, "A woman may learn one useful doctrine from the game of backgammon, which is, not to take up her man till she's sure of him."
The Book of Anecdotes and Budget of Fun Part 12
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