The Book of Anecdotes and Budget of Fun Part 24
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SOME one having lavishly lauded Longfellow's aphorism, "Suffer, and be strong," a matter-of-fact man observed that it was merely a variation of the old English adage, "Grin, and bear it."
A SORREL SHEEP.
SOME years ago, a bill was up before the Alabama Legislature for establis.h.i.+ng a Botanical College at Wetumpka. Several able speakers had made long addresses in support of the bill when one Mr. Morrisett, from Monroe, took the floor. With much gravity he addressed the House as follows: "Mr. Speaker, I cannot support this bill unless a.s.sured that a distinguished friend of mine is made one of the professors. He is what the bill wishes to make for us, a regular root doctor, and will suit the place exactly. He became a doctor in two hours, and it only cost him twenty dollars to complete his education. He bought a book, Sir, and read the chapter on fevers, that was enough. He was called to see a sick woman indeed, and he felt her wrist, looked into her mouth, and then, turning to her husband, asked solemnly, if he had a 'sorrel sheep?'
'Why, no, I never heard of such a thing.' Said the doctor, nodding his head knowingly, 'Have you got a sorrel horse then?' 'Yes,' said the man, 'I drove him to the mill this morning.' 'Well,' said the doctor, 'he must be killed immediately, and some soup made of him for your wife.'
The woman turned her head away, and the astonished man inquired if something else would not do for the soup, the horse was worth a hundred dollars, and was all the one he had. 'No,' said the doctor, 'the book says so, and if you don't believe it I will read it to you: Good for fevers--sheep sorrel or horse sorrel. There, Sir.' 'Why, doctor,' said the man and his wife, 'it don't mean a sorrel sheep or horse, but--'
'Well, I know what I am about,' interrupted the doctor; 'that's the way we doctors read it, and we understand it.' "Now," continued the speaker, amidst the roars of the house, "unless my sorrel doctor can be one of the professors, I must vote against this bill." The blow most effectually killed the bill, it is needless to state.
A NOTED chap once stepped in the sanctum of a venerable and highly respected editor, and indulged in a tirade against a citizen with whom he was on bad terms. "I wish," said he, addressing the man with the pen, "that you would write a severe article against R----, and put it in your paper." "Very well," was the reply. After some more conversation the visitor went away. The next morning he came rus.h.i.+ng into the office, in a violent state of excitement. "What did you put in your paper? I have had my nose pulled and been kicked twice." "I wrote a severe article, as you desired," calmly returned the editor, "and signed your name to it."--_Harrisburgh Telegraph._
A MISERLY old farmer, who had lost one of his best hands in the midst of hay-making, remarked to the s.e.xton, as he was filling up the grave: "It's a sad thing to lose a good mower, at a time like this--but after all, poor Tom was a great eater."
"IS that clock right over there?" asked a visitor. "Right over there?
Certainly; 'tain't nowhere else."
LORD SEAFORTH, who was born deaf and dumb, was to dine, one day, with Lord Melville. Just before the time of the company's arrival, Lady Melville sent into the drawing-room, a lady of her acquaintance, who could talk with her fingers to dumb people, that she might receive Lord Seaforth. Presently, Lord Guilford entered the room, and the lady, taking him for Lord Seaforth, began to ply her fingers very nimbly: Lord Guilford did the same; and they had been carrying on a conversation in this manner for about ten minutes, when Lady Melville joined them. Her female friend immediately said, "Well, I have been talking away to this dumb man." "Dumb!" cried Lord Guilford; "bless me, I thought _you_ were dumb."--I told this story (which is perfectly true) to Matthews; and he said that he could make excellent use of it, at one of his evening entertainments; but I know not if he ever did.--_Rogers' Table-talk._
"IF ever I wanted anything of my father," said Sam, "I always asked for it in a very 'spectful and obliging manner. If he didn't give it to me, I took it, for fear I should be led to do anything wrong, through not having it. I saved him a world o' trouble this way, Sir."--_d.i.c.kens._
"WELL, Robert, how much did your pig weigh?" "It did not weigh as much as I _expected_, and I always thought it _wouldn't_."--_Detroit Spectator._
Copied, three years ago, from a card in the _Hotel du Rhin_, at Boulogne.
"SPECIAL omnibus, on the arrived and on the departure, of every convoy of the railway. Restoration on the card, and dinners at all hour.
Table d'hote at ten half-past, one, and five o'clock.
Bathing place horses and walking carriage.
Interpreter attached to the hotel. Great and little apartments with saloon for family.
This etabliss.e.m.e.nt entirely new, is admirably situed, on the centre of the town at proximity of the theatre and coach office, close by the post horses offer to the travellers all the comfortable desirable and is proprietor posse by is diligence and is good tenuous justifyed the confidence wich the travellers pleased to honoured him."
(The orthography and pointing of the stops, are precisely as printed in the card.)
ADMIRAL DUNCAN'S address to the officers, who came on board his s.h.i.+p for instructions previous to the engagement with Admiral de Winter, was both laconic and humorous, "Gentlemen, you see a severe _winter_ approaching; I have only to advise you to keep up a good fire."
TOM DIBDIN'S TOAST.
The Book of Anecdotes and Budget of Fun Part 24
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