The Book of Anecdotes and Budget of Fun Part 29
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THE _Philadelphia Chronicle_ calls the hero of the following story a Yankee, but he will wager a sixpence that he was born in Pennsylvania.
But no matter, it is a good joke:--"'What do you charge for board?'
asked a tall Green Mountain boy, as he walked up to the bar of a second-rate hotel in New York--'what do you ask a week for board and lodging?' 'Five dollars.' 'Five dollars! that's too much; but I s'pose you'll allow for the times I am absent from dinner and supper?'
'Certainly; thirty-seven and a half cents each.' Here the conversation ended, and the Yankee took up his quarters for two weeks. During this time, he lodged and breakfasted at the hotel, but did not take either dinner or supper, saying his business detained him in another portion of the town. At the expiration of the two weeks, he again walked up to the bar, and said, 'S'pose we settle that account--I'm going, in a few minutes.' The landlord handed him his bill--'Two weeks board at five dollars--ten dollars.' 'Here, stranger,' said the Yankee, 'this is wrong--you've made a mistake; you've not deducted the times I was absent from dinner and supper--14 days, two meals per day; 28 meals, at 37-1/2 cents each; 10 dollars 50 cents. If you've not got the fifty cents that's due to me, _I'll take a drink, and the balance in cigars_!"
NEVER SAY DIE.
"THE politicians have thrown me overboard," said a disappointed politician; "but I have strength enough to swim to the other side."
HOW TO BECOME A CONNOISSEUR.
SPOSIN' it's pictures that's on the carpet, wait till you hear the name of the painter. If it's Rubens, or any o' them old boys, praise, for it's agin the law to doubt them; but if it's a new man, and the company ain't most especial judges, criticise. "A leetle out o' keeping," says you. "He don't use his grays enough, nor glaze down well. That shadder wants depth. General effect is good, though parts ain't. Those eyebrows are heavy enough for stucco," says you, and other unmeaning terms like these. It will pa.s.s, I tell you. Your opinion will be thought great.
Them that judged the cartoons at Westminster Hall, knew plaguey little more nor that. But if this is a portrait of the lady of the house, hangin' up, or it's at all like enough to make it out, stop--gaze on it, walk back, close your fingers like a spy-gla.s.s, and look through 'em amazed like--enchanted--chained to the spot. Then utter, unconscious like, "That's a most beautiful pictur'. By heavens! that's a speakin'
portrait. It's well painted, too. But whoever the artist is, he is an unprincipled man." "Good gracious!" she'll say, "how so?" "'Cause, madam, he has not done you justice."--_Sam Slick._
"I BOUGHT _them_ boots to wear only when I go into genteel society,"
said one of the codfish tribe, to a wag, the other day.
"Oh, you did, eh?" quoth the wag. "Well, then, in that case, _them_ boots will be likely to last you a lifetime, and be worth something to your heirs."--Exit codfish, rather huffy.
WHEN the territory now composing the State of Ohio was first organized into a government, and Congressmen about being elected, there were two candidates, both men of standing and ability, brought out in that fertile region watered by the beautiful Muskingum.
Mr. Morgan, the one, was a reluctant aspirant for the honor, but he payed his respects to the people by calling meetings at various points and addressing them. In one part of the district there was a large and very intelligent German settlement, and it was generally conceded that their vote, usually given one way, would be decisive of the contest. To secure this important interest, Mr. Morgan, in the course of the campaign, paid this part of the district a visit, and by his condescension and polite manner, made a most favourable impression on the entire population--the electors, in fact, all pledging themselves to cast their votes for him.
Colonel Jackson, the opposing candidate, and ambitious for the office, hearing of this successful move on the part of his opponent, determined to counteract it if possible. To this end he started for the all-important settlement. On introducing himself, and after several fruitless attempts to dissipate the favourable effects of Mr. Morgan's visit, he was finally informed by one of the leading men of the precinct that:
"It ish no good you coming hare, Colonel Shackson, we have all promisht to vote for our friendt, Meisther Morgans."
"Ah! ha!" says the Colonel: "but did you hear what Mr. Morgan did when he returned from visiting you?"
"No, vat vas it?"
"Why, he ordered his chamber-maid to bring him some soap and warm water, that he might wash the sour krout off his hands."
The Colonel left, and in a few days the election coming off, each candidate made his appearance at the critical German polls.
The votes were then given _viva voce_, and you may readily judge of Mr.
Morgan's astonishment as each l.u.s.ty Dutchman announced the name of Colonel Shackson, holding up his hand toward the outwitted candidate, and indignantly asking:
"Ah! ha! Meisther Morgans, you zee ony zour krout dare?"
It is needless to say that Colonel Shackson took a seat in the next Congress.
"SUSAN, stand up and let me see what you have learned. What does c-h-a-i-r spell?"
"I don't know, marm."
"Why, you ignorant critter! What do you always sit on?"
"Oh, marm, I don't like to tell."
"What on earth is the matter with the gal?--tell what is it."
"I don't like to tell--it was Bill Cra.s.s's knee, but he never kissed me but twice."
"Airthquake and apple-sa.r.s.e!" exclaimed the schoolmistress, and she fainted.
A HAY FIELD ANECDOTE.
AN old gentleman who was always bragging how folks used to work in his young days, one time challenged his two sons to pitch on a load of hay as fast as he could load it.
The challenge was accepted and the hay-wagon driven round and the trial commenced. For some time the old man held his own very creditably, calling out, tauntingly, "More hay! more hay!"
Thicker and faster it came. The old man was nearly covered; still he kept crying, "More hay! more hay!" until struggling to keep on the top of the disordered and ill-arranged heap, it began first to roll, then to slide, and at last off it went from the wagon, and the old man with it.
"What are you down here for?" cried the boys.
"I came down after hay," answered the old man, stoutly.
Which was a literal fact. He had come down after the wagon load, which had to be pitched on again rather more deliberately.
The Book of Anecdotes and Budget of Fun Part 29
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