The Book of Anecdotes and Budget of Fun Part 3

I'd freely give whole years of bliss, To gather from thy lips one kiss.

To which the following prompt and neat response was immediately returned:--

Young men present these to their favourite Miss, And think by such means to entrap her; But la! they ne'er catch us with this kind of kiss, The right kind hain't got any wrapper.

If you kiss a Mississippian gal she'll flare-up like a scorched feather, and return the compliment by bruising your sky-lights, or may-be giving the _quid pro quo_ in the shape of a blunder-_buss_. Baltimore girls, more beautiful than any in the world, all meet you with a half-smiling, half-saucy, come-kiss-me-if-you-dare kind of a look, but you must be careful of the first essay. After that no difficulty will arise, unless you be caught attempting to kiss another--then look out for thundergust.

When a Broome girl gets a _smack_, she exclaims, "If it was anybody else but you, I'd make a fuss about it."

AMERICAN WONDERS.

"SHE be a pretty craft, that little thing of yours," observed old Tom.

"How long may she take to make the run?" "How long? I expect in just no time; and she'd go as fast again, only she won't wait for the breeze to come up with her." "Why don't you heave to for it?" said young Tom.

"Lose too much time, I guess. I have been chased by an easterly wind all the way from your Land's-end to our Narrows, and it never could overhaul me." "And I presume the porp.u.s.s.es give it up in despair, don't they?"

replied old Tom with a leer; "and yet I've seen the creatures playing before the bows of an English frigate at her speed, and laughing at her." "They never play their tricks with me, old snapper; if they do, I cut them in halves, and a-starn they go, head part floating one side, and tail part on the other." "But don't they join together again when they meet in your wake?" inquired Tom. "Shouldn't wonder," replied the American Captain. "My little craft upset with me one night, in a pretty considerable heavy gale; but she's smart, and came up again on the other side in a moment, all right as before. Never should have known anything about it, if the man at the wheel had not found his jacket wet, and the men below had a round turn in all the clues of their hammocks." "After that round turn, you may belay," cried Tom laughing. "Yes, but don't let's have a stopper over all, Tom," replied his father. "I consider all this excessively diverting. Pray, Captain, does everything else go fast in the new country?" "Everything with us clear, slick, I guess." "What sort of horses have you in America?" inquired I. "Our Kentuck horses, I've a notion, would surprise you. They're almighty goers at a trot, beat a N. W. gale of wind. I once took an Englishman with me in a gig up Alabama country, and he says, 'What's this great church yard we are pa.s.sing through?' 'Stranger,' says I, 'I calculate it's nothing but the mile-stones we are pa.s.sing so slick.' But I once had a horse, who, I expect, was a deal quicker than that; I once seed a flash of lightning chase him for half an hour round the clearance, and I guess it couldn't catch him."

NO HARM.

"MOTHER," said a little fellow the other day, "is there any harm in breaking egg sh.e.l.ls?" "Certainly not, my dear, but why do you ask?"

"Cause I dropt the basket jist now, and see what a mess I'm in with the yolk."

TAKEN DOWN A PEG.

AN Irishman, observing a dandy taking his usual strut in Broadway, stepped up to him and inquired:

"How much do you ax for thim houses?"

"What do you ask me that for?"

"Faith, an' I thought the whole strate belonged to ye," replied the Irishman.

DUTCH MARRIAGE.

AN old Dutch farmer, just arrived at the dignity of justice of the peace, had his first marriage case. He did it up in this way. He first said to the man: "Vell, you vants to be marrit, do you? Vell, you lovesh dis voman so goot as any voman you have ever seen?" "Yes," answered the man. Then to the woman: "Vell, do you love dis man so better as any man you have ever seen?" She hesitated a little, and he repeated: "Vell, vell, do you like him so vell as to be his vife?" "Yes, yes," she answered. "Vell, dat ish all any reasonable man can expect. So you are marrit; I p.r.o.nounce you man and vife." The man asked the justice what was to pay. "Nothing at all, nothing at all; you are velcome to it if it vill do you any good."

SAVE THE MATERIAL.

A RICH old farmer at Crowle, near Bantry, England, speaking to a neighbour about the "larning" of his nephew, said:--"Why I shud a made Tom a lawyer, I think, but he was sich a good hand to hold a plough that I thought 'twere a pity to spoil a good ploughboy."

BE DISCREET.

IF your sister, while tenderly engaged in a tender conversation with her tender sweetheart, asks you to bring a gla.s.s of water from an adjoining room, you can start on the errand, but you need not return. You will not be missed--that's certain; we've seen it tried. Don't forget this, little boys.

TRAVELER'S TALE.

A TRAVELER, relating his adventures, told the company that he and his servant had made fifty wild Arabs run; which startling them, he observed that there was no great matter in it--"for," said he, "we ran, and they ran after us."

AN OPINION.

A TIPSY Irishman, leaning against a lamp post as a funeral was pa.s.sing by, was asked who was dead. "I can't exactly say, sir," said he, "but I presume it's the gentleman in the coffin."

GARRICK.

A CERTAIN lord wished Garrick to be a candidate for the representation of a borough in parliament. "No, my lord," said the actor, "I would rather play the part of a great man on the stage than the part of a fool in parliament."

JONATHAN'S LAST.

THE people live uncommon long at Vermont. There are two men there so old that they have quite forgotten who they are, and there is n.o.body alive who can remember it for them.