The Book of Anecdotes and Budget of Fun Part 32
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GEORGE SELWYN was telling at dinner-table, in the midst of a large company, and with great glee, of the execution of Lord Lovat, which he had witnessed. The ladies were shocked at the levity he manifested, and one of them reproached him, saying,
"How could you be such a barbarian as to see the head of a man cut off?"
"Oh," said he, "if that was any great crime, I am sure I made amends for it; for I went to see it sewed on again."
A FOP in company, wanting his servant, called out:
"Where's that blockhead of mine?" A lady present, answered, "On your shoulders, Sir."
DIVISION OF TIME.
"MURPHY," said an employer, the other morning, to one of his workmen, "you came late this morning, the other men were an hour before you."
"Sure, and I'll be even wit 'em to-night, then." "How, Murphy?" "Why, faith, I'll quit an hour before 'em all, sure."
A GROOM is a chap, that a gentleman keeps to clean his 'osses, and be blown up, when things go wrong. They are generally wery conceited consequential beggars, and as they never knows nothing, why the best way is to take them so young, that they can't pretend to any knowledge. I always get mine from the charity schools, and you'll find it wery good economy, to apply to those that give the boys leather breeches, as it will save you the trouble of finding him a pair. The first thing to do, is to teach him to get up early, and to hiss at everything he brushes, rubs, or touches. As the leather breeches should be kept for Sundays, you must get him a pair of corderoys, and mind, order them of large size, and baggy behind, for many 'osses have a trick of biting at chaps when they are cleaning them; and it is better for them to have a mouthful of corderoy, than the lad's bacon, to say nothing of the loss of the boy's services, during the time he is laid up.--_John Jorrock's Sporting Lectures._
IN A QUIVER.
A COQUETTE is said to be an imperfect incarnation of Cupid, as she keeps her beau, and not her arrows, in a quiver.
YANKEES are supposed to have attained the greatest art in parrying inquisitiveness, but there is a story extant of a "Londoner" on his travels in the provinces, who rather eclipses the cunning "Yankee Peddler." In traveling post, says the narrator, he was obliged to stop at a village to replace a shoe which his horse had lost; when the "Paul Pry" of the place bustled up to the carriage-window, and without waiting for the ceremony of an introduction, said:
"Good-morning, Sir. Horse cast a shoe I see. I suppose, Sir, you are going to--?"
Here he paused, expecting the name of the place to be supplied; but the gentleman answered:
"You are quite right; I generally go there at this season."
"Ay--ahem!--do you? And no doubt you are now come from--?"
"Right again, Sir; I _live_ there."
"Oh, ay; I see: you do! But I perceive it is a London shay. Is there anything stirring in London?"
"Oh, yes; plenty of other chaises and carriages of all sorts."
"Ay, ay, of course. But what do folks say?"
"They say their prayers every Sunday."
"That isn't what I mean. I want to know whether there is anything new and fresh."
"Yes; bread and herrings."
"Ah, you are a queer fellow. Pray, mister, may I ask your name?"
"Fools and clowns," said the gentleman, "call me 'Mister;' but I am in reality one of the clowns of Aristophanes; and my real name is _Brekekekex Koax_! Drive on, postilion!"
Now this is what we call a "pursuit of knowledge under difficulties" of the most _obstinate_ kind.
THERE is a good story told recently of Baron Rothschild, of Paris, the richest man of his cla.s.s in the world, which shows that it is not only "money which makes the mare go" (or horses either, for that matter), but "_ready_ money," "unlimited credit" to the contrary notwithstanding. On a very wet and disagreeable day, the Baron took a Parisian omnibus, on his way to the Bourse or Exchange; near which the "Nabob of Finance"
alighted, and was going away without paying. The driver stopped him, and demanded his fare. Rothschild felt in his pocket, but he had not a "red cent" of change. The driver was very wroth:
"Well, what did you get _in_ for, if you could not pay? You must have _known_ that you had no money!"
"I am Baron Rothschild!" exclaimed the great capitalist; "and there is my card!"
The driver threw the card in the gutter: "Never heard of you before,"
said the driver, "and don't want to hear of you again. But I want my fare--and I must have it!" The great banker was in haste. "I have only an order for a million," he said. "Give me change;" and he proffered a "coupon" for fifty thousand francs.
The conductor stared, and the pa.s.sengers set up a horselaugh. Just then an "Agent de Change" came by, and Baron Rothschild borrowed of him the six sous.
The driver was now seized with a kind of remorseful respect; and turning to the Money-King, he said:
"If you want ten francs, Sir, I don't mind lending them to you on my own account!"
The Book of Anecdotes and Budget of Fun Part 32
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The Book of Anecdotes and Budget of Fun Part 32 summary
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