The Book of Anecdotes and Budget of Fun Part 40

A GENTLEMAN, who used to frequent the Chapter Coffee-house, being unwell, thought he might make so free as to steal an opinion concerning his case; accordingly, one day he took an opportunity of asking one of the faculty, who sat in the same box with him, what he should take for such a complaint? "I'll tell you," said the doctor, "you should _take advice_."

MIRACLE OF MIRACLES.

THE author of the life of St. Francis Xavier, a.s.serts, that "by one sermon he converted _ten thousand persons_ in a _desert_ island."

CREDAT JUDaeUS APELLA, NON EGO.

A GENTLEMAN, talking of the tenacity of life in turtles, a.s.serted that he had himself seen the head of one, which had been cut off three weeks, open its jaws. The circle around did not exactly contradict him, but exhibited expressive appearances of incredulity. The historian referred himself to a stranger, whose polite attention to the tale flattered him that it had received his full credence, which was corroborated by the other observing that he had himself seen strong instances of the turtle's tenaciousness of life. The stranger answered, "Your account is a very extraordinary one; could you have believed it if you had not seen it yourself?" The narrator readily answered, "No." "Then," replied the other, to his infinite mortification, and the gratification of the company, "I hope you will pardon me if I do not believe it."

WARNING.

A SERVANT telling her master that she was going to give her mistress warning, as she kept scolding her from morning till night, he exclaimed with a sigh, "Happy girl! I wish I could give her warning too!"

IRISH RECRUITING.

A SERJEANT enlisted a recruit, who on inspection turned out to be a woman. Being asked by his officer how he made such a blunder, he said, "Plase your honor I could not help it; I enlisted this _girl_ for a _man_, and _he_ turns out to be a _woman_."

SCENE IN A POLICE OFFICE.

THE prisoner in this case, whose name was d.i.c.key Swivel, alias "Stove Pipe Pete," was placed at the bar, and questioned by the Judge to the following effect:

_Judge_: Bring the prisoner into court.

_Pete_: Here I am, bound to blaze, as the spirits of turpentine said, when he was all a fire.

_Judge_: We'll take a little fire out of you. How do you live?

_Pete_: I ain't particular, as the oyster said when they asked if he'd be roasted or fried.

_Judge_: We don't want to know what the oyster said or the turpentine either. What do you follow?

_Pete_: Anything that comes in my way, as the engine said when he run over a little n.i.g.g.e.r.

_Judge_: Don't care anything about the locomotive. What's your business?

_Pete_: That's various, as the cat said when she stole the chicken off the table.

_Judge_: If I hear any more absurd comparisons, I will give you twelve months.

_Pete_: I am done, as the beef steak said to the cook.

_Judge_: Now, Sir, your punishment shall depend on the shortness and correctness of your answers. I suppose you live by going around the docks?

_Pete_: No, Sir. I can't go around docks without a boat, and I hain't got none.

_Judge_: Answer me now, Sir. How do you get your bread?

_Pete_: Sometimes at the baker's, and sometimes I eat taters.

_Judge_: No more of your stupid nonsense. How do you support yourself?

_Pete_: Sometimes on my legs, and sometimes on a cheer, (chair.)

_Judge_: How do you keep yourself alive?

_Pete_: By breathing, Sir.

_Judge_: I order you to answer this question correctly. How do you do?

_Pete_: Pretty well, thank you, Judge. How do _you_ do?

_Judge_: I shall have to commit you.

_Pete_: Well, you have committed yourself first, that's some consolation.

CHEAP TRAVELING.

A YOUTH of more vanity than talent, bragging that during his travels he never troubled his father for remittances, and being asked how he lived on the road, answered, "_By my wits._" "Then," replied his friend, "you must have traveled _very cheaply_."

NAUTICAL POLEMICS.