The Book of Anecdotes and Budget of Fun Part 48

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A GENTLEMAN in a coffee-house called, "Waiter! bring me a gla.s.s of brandy; I am very hot." Another, "Waiter! a gla.s.s of brandy; I am devilish cold." Mr. Quin, "Waiter! give me a gla.s.s of brandy; because I like it."


A LADY asked a silly but conceited Scotch n.o.bleman, how it happened that the Scots who came out of their own country were in general of more abilities than those who remained at home. "Madam," said he, "the reason is obvious; at every outlet there are persons stationed to examine those who pa.s.s, that for the honor of the country no one be permitted to leave it who is not a person of understanding." "Then," said she, "I presume your lords.h.i.+p was smuggled."


A GENTLEMAN desired his boot-maker, as he took measure, to observe particularly that one of his legs was bigger than the other, and of course to make one of his boots bigger than the other. When they were brought home, trying the larger boot on the small leg, it went on easily, but when he attempted the other, his foot stuck fast. "You are a pretty tradesman," said he, "I ordered you to make one of the boots _larger than the other_; and, instead of that, you have made one of them _smaller than the other_."


"HOW can you call these blackberries, when they are red?" "Don't you know that _black_ berries are always _red_ when they are _green_?"


WHEN General and Mrs. V. were in Dublin, they were perpetually teased by an old woman whom they had relieved, but whose importunity had no bounds; every time she could find an opportunity she had a fresh tale to extract money from their pockets. One day as they were stepping into their carriage, Molly accosted them: "Ah! good luck to your honor's honor, and your ladys.h.i.+p's honor,--to be sure I was not dreaming of you last night; I dreamt that your honor's honor gave me a pound of tobacco, and her ladys.h.i.+p gave me a pound of taa." "Aye, my good woman," says the general, "but you know dreams always go by contraries." "Do they so?"

replied she, "then it must be that your honor will give me the taa, and her ladys.h.i.+p the tobacco."


A TAILOR dying said to his wife, who was plunged in tears, "My dear, don't let my death afflict you too much. I would recommend you to marry Thomas, our foreman; he is a good lad and a clever workman, and would a.s.sist you to carry on the trade." "My love," answered the disconsolate dame, "make yourself easy on that score, for Tom and I have settled the matter already."


SUT LOVINGOOD sends the following to an exchange. A full-blooded c.o.c.kney who is now taking notes on the United States, chanced to be on one of our southern trains, when a "run off" took place, and a general mixing up of things was the consequence. c.o.c.kney's first act, after straightening out his collapsed hat, was to raise a terrible 'ubbub about 'is baggage, and among other things, wanted to know, "hif railroads hin Hamerika wasn't responsible for baggage stolen, smashed, or missing?"

"Well, yes," said the Tennessean addressed, "but it is a deuce of a job to get your pay."

"Why so?"

"They will perhaps admit your claim, but then _they offer to fight you for it_; that's a standing American rule. There is the man employed by this road to _fight for baggage_," pointing to a huge bewhiskered train-hand, who stood by with his sleeves rolled up, "I think, if my memory serves me, he has fought for sixty-nine lots, _an' blamed if he haint won 'em all_. They gave him the empty trunks for his pay, and he is making a hundred dollars a month in selling trunks, valises, carpet-bags, and satchels. Have you lost any baggage?"

"No, no, not hat hall. Hi just hasked to learn your custom hin case hi _did_ lose hany. Hi don't _think_ hi'll lose mine 'owever."

Here the train-hand who overheard the talk, stepped up, and inquired, "Have you lost anything?"

"Ho no! ho no!" replied c.o.c.kney, with unusual energy.

"Can't I sell you a trunk?"

"Thank you, Sir. No, I think I have a supply."

"Well, if you do either lose baggage or want to buy a trunk _already marked_, deuced if I ain't the man to call on."

It is needless to say that instead of raising Cain generally, as c.o.c.kney had been doing, he betook him to zealously writing notes on American customs during the remainder of the delay. Probably he indited something fully equal to the _London Times_ Georgia railroad story.


A SCHOLAR put his horse into a field belonging to Morton College, on which the Master sent him a message, that if he continued his horse there, he would cut off his tail. "Say you so!" answered the scholar, "go tell your master, if he cuts off my horse's tail, I will cut off his ears." This being delivered to the Master, he in a pa.s.sion sent for the scholar, who appearing before him, he said sternly, "How now, Sir, what mean you by that menace you sent me?" "Sir," said the youth, "I menaced you not; I only said, _if you cut off my horse's tail, I would cut off his ears_."


A SERVANT being sent with half a dozen living partridges in a present, had the curiosity to open the lid of the basket containing them, when they all made their escape. He proceeded, however, with the letter: the gentleman to whom it was addressed having read it, said, "I find _in this letter_ half a dozen of partridges." "Do you, indeed?" cried Pat, "I am glad you have _found them in the letter_, for they all _flew out of the basket_."


THE Earl of St. Albans was, like many other staunch loyalists, little remembered by Charles II. He was, however, an attendant at court, and one of his majesty's companions in his gay hours. On one such occasion, a stranger came with an important suit for an office of great value, just vacant. The king, by way of joke, desired the earl to personate him, and ordered the pet.i.tioner to be admitted. The gentleman, addressing himself to the supposed monarch, enumerated his services to the royal family, and hoped the grant of the place would not be deemed too great a reward. "By no means," answered the earl, "and I am only sorry that as soon as I heard of the vacancy I conferred it upon my faithful friend the Earl of St. Albans [pointing to the king], who has constantly followed the fortunes both of my father and myself, and has. .h.i.therto gone unrewarded." Charles granted for this joke what the utmost real services looked for in vain.

The Book of Anecdotes and Budget of Fun Part 48

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