The Book of Anecdotes and Budget of Fun Part 54
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"Well, and how much do you get a chimney?"
"Only a s.h.i.+lling a piece, Sir."
"Why, I think a pound is pretty well for your morning's work."
"Yes, Sir, _we black-coats_ get our money easy enough."
PROOF OF IDENt.i.tY.
RICHARD II., on the Pope reclaiming, as a son of the church, a bishop whom he had taken prisoner in battle, sent him the prelate's _coat of mail_, and in the words of the Scripture asked him, "Know now whether this be _thy son's coat_ or not?"
NO LOSS FOR AN EXCUSE.
THE Welsh formerly drank their ale, mead, or metheglin out of earthen vessels, glazed and painted, within and without, with _dainty devices_.
A farmer in the princ.i.p.ality, who had a curious quart mug, with an angel painted on the bottom, on the inside, found that a neighbor who very frequently visited him, and with the customary hospitality had the first draught, always gave so hearty a swig as to leave little for the rest of the party. This, our farmer three or four times remonstrated against, as unfair; but was always answered, "Hur does so love to look at that pretty angel, that hur always drinks till hur can see its face." The farmer on this set aside his angel cup, and the next Shrewsbury fair, bought one with the figure of the devil painted at the bottom. This being produced, foaming with ale, to his guest, he made but one draught, and handed it to the next man quite empty. Being asked his reason, as he could not now wish to look at the angel, he replied, "No, but hur cannot bear to leave that ugly devil a drop."
THE GENERAL CHALLENGED.
GENERAL CRAIG, when in Dublin, called his servant to get ready his horse, but Pat was missing, and when he did make his appearance, he was _not perfectly sober_. The general asked where he had been? "I have been, sir," answered he, "where you dare not show your face, and doing what you dare not do, brave as you are." "Where, and what?" demanded the general, sternly. "Why, I have been _at the whiskey shop, spending my last sixpence_."
A QUESTION ANSWERED.
A SAILOR on s.h.i.+p-board, having fallen from the mizen-top, but his fall having been broken by the rigging, got up on the quarter deck, little hurt. The lieutenant asked where he _came from_? "Plase your honor,"
replied he, "I came from _the north of Ireland_."
WHEN Lord Chesterfield was in administration, he proposed a person to his late majesty, as proper to fill a place of great trust, but which the king himself was determined should be given to another. The council, however, resolved not to indulge the king, _for fear of a dangerous precedent_. It was Lord Chesterfield's business to present the grant of the office for the king's signature. Not to incense his majesty, by asking him abruptly, he, with accents of great humility, begged to know with whose name his majesty would be pleased to have the blanks filled up? "_With the devil's!_" replied the king, in a paroxysm of rage. "And shall the instrument," said the earl, coolly, "run as usual--_to our trusty and well-beloved cousin and counsellor?_"
AN HIBERNIAN CAPTURE.
LIEUTENANT CONNOLLY, an Irishman, in the service of the United States, during the American war, having himself taken three Hessians prisoners, and being asked by the general, how he took them, he answered, "_I surrounded them._"
A BON BOUCHE.
AN Irish counsellor, author of one of the numerous pamphlets which emanated from the press on the subject of the union, meeting a brother barrister, asked him if he had seen his publication. The other answered, that he had, that very day, been dipping into part of it, and was delighted with its contents. Quite elated, the author asked his friend what part of the contents pleased him so much. "It was," answered the other, "a _mince pie_ which I got from the pastry cook's, wrapped up in half a sheet of your work."
CAN'T BE WORSE.
A VERY plain man was acting the character of Mithridates, in a French theatre, when Monima said to him, "My lord, you change countenance;" a young fellow in the pit, cried, "For heaven's sake, let him."
A STONE mason was employed to engrave the following epitaph on a tradesman's wife: "A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband." The stone, however, being narrow, he contracted the sentence in the following manner: "A virtuous woman is 5_s._ to her husband."
A BRICKLAYER fell through the rafters of an unfinished house, and nearly killed himself; a bystander declared that he ought to be employed, as he went smartly through his work.
NOT TO BE DONE BROWN.
DR. BROWN courted a lady for many years unsuccessfully; during which time, he had always accustomed himself to propose her health, whenever he was called upon for a lady. But being observed, one evening, to omit it, a gentleman reminded him that he had forgotten to toast his favorite lady. "Why, indeed," said the doctor, "I find it all in vain; I have toasted her so many years, and cannot make her Brown, that I am determined to toast her no longer."
The Book of Anecdotes and Budget of Fun Part 54
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