The Book of Anecdotes and Budget of Fun Part 63

MRS. MUNCHAUSEN.

A TRAVELED London lady gives the following incident, among others, to a circle of admiring friends, on her return from America: "I was a dinin'

haboard a first-cla.s.s steamboat on the Hoeigho river. The gentleman next me, on my right, was a Southerner, and the gentleman on my left was a Northerner. Well, they gets into a kind of discussion on the habbolition question, when some 'igh words hariz. 'Please to retract, Sir,' said the Southerner. 'Won't do it,' said the Northerner. 'Pray, ma'am,' said the Southerner, 'will you 'ave the goodness to lean back in your chair?'

'With the greatest pleasure,' said I, not knowin' what was a comin'.

When what does my gentleman do but whips out an 'oss pistil as long as my harm, and shoots my left 'and neighbor dead! But that wasn't hall!

for the bullet, comin' out of the left temple, wounded a lady in the side. She huttered an 'orrifick scream. 'Pon my word, ma'am,' said the Southerner, 'you needn't make so much noise about it, for I did it by a mistake.'" "And was justice done the murderer?" asked a horrified listener. "Hinstantly, dear madam," answered Miss L----. "The cabin pa.s.sengers set right to work, and lynched him. They 'ung 'im in the lamp chains right hover the dinin' table, and then finished the dessert. But for my part, it quite spoiled my happet.i.te."

OLD BABES.

A HIBERNIAN, seeing an old man and woman in the stocks, said that they put him in mind of "the babes in the wood."

A SELL.

THE river _Monitor_ tells the following story:

A countryman (farmer) went into a store in Boston, the other day, and told the keeper that a neighbor of his had entrusted him some money to expend to the best advantage, and he meant to do it where he would be the best treated. He had been used very ill by the traders in Boston, and he would not part with his neighbor's money until he had found a man who would treat him about right. With the utmost suavity the trader says:

"I think I can treat you to your liking; how do you want to be treated?"

"Well," said the farmer, with a leer in his eye, "in the first place, I want a gla.s.s of toddy," which was forthcoming. "Now I will have a nice cigar," says the countryman. It was promptly handed him, leisurely lighted, and then throwing himself back with his feet as high as his head, he commenced puffing away like a Spaniard.

"Now what do you want to purchase?" says the store-keeper.

"My neighbor," said the countryman, "handed me two cents when I left home, to buy a plug of tobacco--have you got that article?"

The store-keeper sloped instanter.

A SELL.

A WITTY knave bargained with a seller of lace in London for as much as would reach from one of his ears to the other. When they had agreed, it appeared that one of his ears was nailed at the pillory in Bristol.

PRACTICAL JOKING.

A FEW days since, writes an attorney, as I was sitting with Brother D----, in his office, Court Square, a client came in, and said--

"Squire D----, W----, the stabler, shaved me dreadfully, yesterday, and I want to come up with him."

"State your case," says D----.

"I asked him," said Client, "how much he would charge me for a horse and wagon to go to Dedham. He said one dollar and a half. I took the team, and when I came back, I paid him one dollar and a half, and he said he wanted another dollar and a half for coming back, and made me pay it."

D---- gave him some legal advice, which the client immediately acted upon as follows:

He went to the stabler and said--

"How much will you charge me for a horse and wagon to go to Salem?"

Stabler replied--"Five dollars."

"Harness him up!"

Client went to Salem, came back by railroad, and went to the stabler, saying--

"Here is your money," paying him five dollars.

"Where is my horse and wagon?" says W.

"He is at Salem," says Client; "I only hired him to go to Salem."

SOLITUDE.

"YOU are always yawning," said a woman to her husband. "My dear friend,"

replied he, "the husband and wife are _one_; and when I am _alone_, I grow weary."

SPEAKING OUT IN DREAMS.

A CORRESPONDENT of the _Richmond Dispatch_ tells the following in a letter from one of the Springs:

An amusing incident occurred in the cars of the Virginia and Tennessee road, which must be preserved in print. It is too good to be lost. As the train entered the Big Tunnel, near this place, in accordance with the usual custom _a lamp_ was lit. A servant girl, accompanying her mistress, had sunk in a profound slumber, but just as the lamp was lit she awoke, and half asleep imagined herself in the infernal regions.

Frantic with fright, she implored her Maker to have mercy on her, remarking at the same time, "The devil has got me at last." Her mistress, sitting on the seat in front of the terrified negress, was deeply mortified, and called upon her--"Molly, don't make such a noise; it is I, be not afraid." The poor African immediately exclaimed, "Oh, missus, dat you? Jest what I 'spected; I always thought if eber I got to de bad place, I would see you dar." These remarks were uttered with such vehemence, that not a word was lost, and the whole coach became convulsed with laughter.