The Book of Anecdotes and Budget of Fun Part 7

PRESENCE OF MIND.

I ONCE observed to a Scotch lady, "how desirable it was in any danger _to have presence of mind_." "I had rather," she rejoined, "_have absence of body_."--_Rogers' Table-talk._

GLORY WITHOUT DANGER.

A MAN hearing the drum beat up for volunteers for France, in the expedition against the Dutch, imagined himself valiant enough, and thereupon enlisted himself; returning again, he was asked by his friends, "what exploits he had performed there?" He said, "that he had cut off one of the enemy's legs;" and being told that it would have been more honorable and manly to have cut off his head, said, "Oh! you must know his head was cut off before."

LORD CHESTERFIELD.

WITTICISMS are often attributed to the wrong people. It was Lord Chesterfield, not Sheridan, who said, on occasion of a certain marriage, that "n.o.body's son had married Everybody's daughter."

Lord Chesterfield remarked of two persons dancing a minuet, that "they looked as if they were hired to do it, and were doubtful of being paid."

UNANIMITY.

A SCOTCH parson, in his prayer, said, "Lord, bless the grand council, the parliament, and grant that they may hang together." A country fellow standing by, replied, "Yes, sir, with all my heart, and the sooner the better--and I am sure it is the prayer of all good people." "But, friends," said the parson, "I don't mean as that fellow does, but pray they may all hang together in accord and concord." "No matter what cord," replied the other, "so 'tis but a strong one."

SIMPLICITY.

THE Bishop of Oxford, having sent round to the churchwardens in his diocese a circular of inquiries, among which was:--"Does your officiating clergyman preach the gospel, and is his conversation and carriage consistent therewith?" The churchwarden near Wallingford replied:--"He preaches the gospel, but does not keep a carriage."

PATRIOTISM AND LIBERALITY.

A LADY solicitor for the Mount Vernon fund visited one of the schools in Boston, says the Bee, to collect offerings from the children. On the dismission of the school, one of the boys went home, and said to his father--"Papa! General Was.h.i.+ngton's wife came to our school to-day, trying to raise some money to buy a graveyard for him where he's buried, and I want a dime to put into the contribution-box." In an ecstasy of patriotism the gentleman contributed.

SHERIDAN.

SHERIDAN was one day much annoyed by a fellow-member of the House of Commons, who kept crying out every few minutes, "Hear! hear!" During the debate he took occasion to describe a political contemporary that wished to play rogue, but had only sense enough to act fool. "Where," exclaimed he, with great emphasis, "where shall we find a more foolish knave or a more knavish fool than he?" "Hear! hear!" was shouted by the troublesome member. Sheridan turned round, and, thanking him for the prompt information, sat down amid a general roar of laughter.

THE WAY TO WIN A KISS.

THE late Mr. Bush used to tell a story of a brother barrister:--As the coach was about starting, before breakfast, the modest limb of the law approached the landlady, a pretty Quakeress, who was seated near the fire, and said he "could not think of going without giving her a kiss."

"Friend," said she, "thee must not do it." "Oh! by heavens, I will!"

replied the barrister. "Well, friend, as thou hast sworn, thee may do it; but thee must not make a practice of it."

A BUTCHER'S COMPLIMENT.

IN the Bristol market, a lady laying her hand on a joint of veal, said, "I think, Mr. F., this veal is not quite so white as usual." "Put on your _glove_, madam," replied the dealer, "and you will think differently." It may be needless to remark, that the veal was ordered home without another word of objection.

DRUNKENNESS.

A GENTLEMAN finding his servant intoxicated, said--"What, drunk again, Sam! I scolded you for being drunk last night, and here you are drunk again." "No, ma.s.sa, same drunk, ma.s.sa, same drunk," replied Sambo.

CAN'T BE BEAT.

A LIVELY Hibernian exclaimed, at a party where Theodore Hook shone as the evening star, "Och, Master Theodore, but you're the hook that n.o.body can bait."

MRS. RAMSBOTTOM'S LETTER FROM PARIS.[*]

_Paris, December 10th, 1823._