The Book of Anecdotes and Budget of Fun Part 74
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_Webster:_ What was that, Ma'am?
_Mrs. Greenough:_ She took snuff!
The roar of the court-house was such that the future defender of the Const.i.tution subsided, and neither rose nor spoke again until after Mrs.
Greenough had vacated her chair for another witness--having ample time to reflect upon the inglorious history of the man who had a stone thrown on his head by a woman.
A TEMPERANCE LECTURE.
"DADDY, I want to ask you a question." "Well, my son." "Why is neighbor Smith's liquor shop like a counterfeit dollar?" "I can't tell, my son."
"Because you can't pa.s.s it," said the boy.
A DARNED SUBJECT.
A FEMALE writer says, "Nothing looks worse on a lady than darned stockings." Allow us to observe that stockings which _need darning_ look much worse than darned ones--Darned if they don't!
IT is astonis.h.i.+ng how "toddy" promotes independence. A Philadelphia old "brick," lying, a day or two since, in the gutter in a very spiritual manner, was advised in a friendly way to economize, as "flour was going up." "Let it go up," said old bottlenose, "I kin git as 'high' as flour kin--any day."
A GENTLEMAN in the Highlands of Scotland was attacked with a dropsy, brought on by a too zealous attachment to his bottle; and it gained upon him, at length, to such a degree, that he found it necessary to abstain entirely from all spirituous liquors. Yet though discharged from drinking himself, he was not hindered from making a bowl of punch to his friends. He was sitting at this employment, when his physicians, who had been consulting in an adjoining room, came in to tell him, that they had just come to a resolution to tap him. "You may tap me as you please,"
said the old gentleman, "but ne'er a thing was ever tapped in my house that lasted long."
The saying was but too true, he was tapped that evening, and died the next day.
DIAMOND CUT DIAMOND.
A FEW weeks ago a "sporting character" _looked in_ at the Hygeia Hotel, just to see if he could fall in with any subjects, but finding none, and understanding from the respectful proprietor, Mr. Parks, that he could not be accommodated with a private room wherein to exercise the mysteries of his craft, he felt the time begin to hang heavy on his hands; so in order to dispel _ennui_ he took out a pack of cards and began to amuse the by-standers in the bar-room with a number of ingenious tricks with them, which soon drew a crowd around him. "Now,"
said he, after giving them a good shuffle and slapping the pack down upon the table, "I'll bet any man ten dollars I can cut the Jack of hearts at the first attempt." n.o.body seemed inclined to take him up, however, till at last a weather-beaten New England skipper, in a pea-jacket, stumped him by exclaiming, "Darned if I don't bet you! But stop; let me see if all's right." Then taking up and inspecting it, as if to see that there was no deception in it, he returned it to the table, and began to fumble about in a side pocket, first taking out a jack-knife, then a twist of tobacco, &c., till he produced a roll of bank notes, from which he took one of $10 and handed it to a by-stander; the gambler did the same, and taking out a pen-knife, and literally cutting the pack in two through the middle, turned with an air of triumph to the company, and demanded if he had not _cut_ the Jack of hearts. "No, I'll be darned if you have!" bawled out Jonathan, "for here it is, safe and sound." At the same time producing the card from his pocket, whither he had dexterously conveyed it while pretending to examine the pack, to see if it was "all right." The company were convulsed with laughter, while the poor "child of chance" was fain to confess that "_it was hard getting to windward of a Yankee._"
A HIGH AUTHORITY.
MR. CURRAN was once engaged in a legal argument; behind him stood his colleague, a gentleman whose person was remarkably tall and slender, and who had originally intended to take orders. The Judge observing that the case under discussion involved a question of ecclesiastical law; "Then,"
said Curran, "I can refer your lords.h.i.+p to a _high_ authority behind me, who was once intended for the church, though in my opinion he was fitter for the steeple."
MISTAKEN THIS TIME.
COL. MOORE, a veteran politician of the Old Dominion, was a most pleasant and affable gentleman, and a great lisper withal. He was known by a great many, and professed to know many more; but a story is told of him in which he failed to convince either himself or the stranger of their previous acquaintance. All things to all men, he met a countryman, one morning, and in his usual hearty manner stopped and shook hands with him, saying--
"Why, how _do_ you do, thir? am very glad to thee you; a fine day, thir, I thee you thill ride the old gray, thir."
"No, Sir, this horse is one I borrowed this morning."
"Oh! ah! Well, thir, how are the old gentleman and lady?"
"My parents have been dead about three years, Sir!"
"But how ith your wife, thir, and the children?"
"I am an unmarried man, Sir."
"Thure enough. Do you thill live on the old farm?"
"No, Sir; I've just arrived from Ohio, where I was born."
"Well, thir, I gueth I don't know you after all. Good morning, thir."
ONE OF THE BOYS.
NEIGHBOR T---- had a social party at his house a few evenings since, and the "dear boy," Charles, a five-year old colt, was favored with permission to be seen in the parlor.
"Pa" is somewhat proud of his boy, and Charles was of course elaborately gotten up for so great an occasion. Among other extras, the little fellow's hair was treated to a liberal supply of eau de cologne, to his huge gratification. As he entered the parlor, and made his bow to the ladies and gentlemen--
"Lookee here," said he proudly, "if any one of you smells a smell, that's _me_!"
The Book of Anecdotes and Budget of Fun Part 74
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